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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My Ds keeps saying he doesn't love me

61 replies

Summertimefarewell · 23/09/2025 16:10

My DS is 5 and just started year 1. He has no issues going in and loves school however I've noticed a shift in his attitude.

If I ask him to do anything or say something can't happen nicely and calmly he says 'i don't love you' 'you're the worst mum' and today he said 'i hate you' he will also go away from me and not engage and hold grudge for ages and say things like 'dont come near me' 'i don't forgive you'

He has started saying these things outside the home and around friends and family over the smallest innocuous things.

I feel embarrassed. Not only is it disrespectful it's hurtful as I dont hear other children say this to their mum's when they don't get their own way.
So I'm wondering AIBU to thing this is a personality thing or is a phase nearly 6 year olds go through.

He's always been quite loving up until now and he's really changed lately. I wonder if something else is going on. To note, we are firm and fair and never say these things to him. We only ever display and show him love and try to give him boundaries.

OP posts:

LoafofSellotape · 25/09/2025 08:54

SALaw · 23/09/2025 17:14

When my son was a bit like this at that age I would say calmly and firmly “we don’t say things like that to each other in this house”. I don’t think you should ignore it because it’s not appropriate and he needs to be told that but equally don’t give him the dramatic reaction he expects.

I agree.

Maray1967 · 25/09/2025 09:54

Both of mine did this for a short phase at around 4-5, and I did the calm response, ‘well I love you very much, and we need to go to school now’ etc.

One of my school mum friends (with DS2) took a different line and in hindsight I think she got it right. She says her view is that by school age, Dc are old enough to understand that saying ‘I hate you’ is hurtful. She dealt with it head on, telling hers that she would not accept that nastiness and that they could say they were cross/angry over something but not that they hated her. She implemented sanctions just as she would have if they had hit someone, and her view was they learned pretty quickly.

blankcanvas3 · 25/09/2025 10:09

DD1 is going through this phase at the moment. She loooves telling me that she doesn’t love me as much as she loves her dad. To begin with it really upset me but I just started replying ‘that’s fine, I love you loads anyway’ and it’s quelled it a little bit. I think she’s just trying to test me tbh because I’m the one who’s around the most (SAHM). They grow out of it (I hope)

cowandplough · 25/09/2025 11:07

It's hurtful even though he is only five. Think how much it hurt when my 50+ son said it to me. He is young enough to be firmly told it's not on and engage him on how he would feel. Can family help, a stern word from Granny might do the trick.

StewkeyBlue · 25/09/2025 11:27

They do this.
Mine did.
I just stayed calm and said “well I love YOU”

I have loving and attentive young adults now…

IAmTooOldFor · 25/09/2025 11:50

It’s very normal @Summertimefarewell . How do you respond? I wouldn’t recommend ignoring it as he is clearly looking for a response which is why it has notched up from “I don’t love you” to “I hate you”. When my DD6 used to say (still occasionally says) this kind of thing, I stop what I’m doing and say to her something along the lines of “I’m sorry you feel like that darling, I love you very much” sometimes followed up by “would you like to talk about it?”. Ie I give her positive attention but hold the boundary about the thing we can’t do right now. Then again, unless I can explain why I’m saying No to something I don’t tend to say it. “Mummy doesn’t want to/can’t be arsed” isn’t a good enough reason btw unless you want it used back at you 😄

muddyford · 25/09/2025 12:01

Say 'Yes, you've told me before. It's getting boring.' Don't react.

Barnbrack · 25/09/2025 17:48

GarlicBreadStan · 23/09/2025 16:53

My son is 7. He's been saying this since he was about 4 or 5. What I've noticed is, is that he says it when he can't describe exactly how he's feeling. Granted, he is also autistic.

I will also add that just because you don't hear other children saying it to their parents doesn't mean that they don't say it. Their parents probably just don't talk about it.

I know it's hard, and I struggle to follow this advice myself, but I would really try not to take it personally. Starting school is such a big change, and can bring out feelings that kids haven't experienced yet.

I promise he doesn't actually hate you. He's just using the only words he can find within himself. He could hate the situation. He could hate that you've said no to giving him something he's asked for. But he doesn't hate you. Just keep telling him that you love him, and keep trying to name feelings.

Same

In my mind they're really saying I'm experiencing something hurtful Nd this is the biggest language I have to describe my feelings

SillyQuail · 25/09/2025 17:57

JetFlight · 23/09/2025 17:07

Has he heard anyone else talking like that to you?
How about replacing his words with what you think he means?
He can’t go to the park and says “I hate you” perhaps you could say “you’re disappointed you can’t go to the park. I understand”

My DS is 5 and this is what I do when he says things like this. Most likely he's heard another child saying this to their parent out of frustration and is trying it out on you to see what happens. I know for a fact my DS has picked it up at school because we live in another country and speak English at home, and he says these things in the language he speaks at school but almost never in English

LucyLoo1972 · 08/02/2026 12:37

Hubblebubble · 23/09/2025 19:37

When mine is cross with me he threatens to take my best mum mug away. Also Y1. I think it's a normal developmental stage and it shows they're safe. They can be mean and they know they're still loved.

I think this is true

UniversityofWarwick · 08/02/2026 19:57

My 5 year old will say this and similar when she’s cross and tired. “I don’t love you!” ”This is the worst family!“ and “You’re not my best friend!” being among the repertoire. I rarely react at the time but will question her later and she’ll always admit she only said it as she was mad. She’s didn’t mean it she’s just objecting to something and expressing it in the only way she can.

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