My Ds keeps saying he doesn't love me

[Summertimefarewell]

My DS is 5 and just started year 1. He has no issues going in and loves school however I've noticed a shift in his attitude.

If I ask him to do anything or say something can't happen nicely and calmly he says 'i don't love you' 'you're the worst mum' and today he said 'i hate you' he will also go away from me and not engage and hold grudge for ages and say things like 'dont come near me' 'i don't forgive you'

He has started saying these things outside the home and around friends and family over the smallest innocuous things.

I feel embarrassed. Not only is it disrespectful it's hurtful as I dont hear other children say this to their mum's when they don't get their own way.
So I'm wondering AIBU to thing this is a personality thing or is a phase nearly 6 year olds go through.

He's always been quite loving up until now and he's really changed lately. I wonder if something else is going on. To note, we are firm and fair and never say these things to him. We only ever display and show him love and try to give him boundaries.

my Autistic child does this when she cant process her emotions.

‘ that’s a shame, it makes me sad’
‘ but I love you anyway, and always’

‘ I’d always try not to make you sad’

Then give him a hug or whatever he likes…. And have a tickle/ giggle/ treat.
He will grow out of it
But he also needs to hear that it’s hurting you

When mine is cross with me he threatens to take my best mum mug away. Also Y1. I think it's a normal developmental stage and it shows they're safe. They can be mean and they know they're still loved.

Your son is saying these things to you when he can't have his own way, because he knows it will upset you. He thinks you will be so upset by his words, that you will give in to him. If he says 'I hate you' or 'You're the worst Mum in the world'. Simply say in a calm manner 'Oh dear, I'm sorry you feel that way' or 'Oh dear, that's a shame'. Don't show that his words bother you. Most definitely don't give in to whatever he wants. If he asks you to leave him alone, do that, walk away. The more he sees his words aren't making you do what he wants, the less likely he is to use them! I work in a school and I have a child (admittedly with SEN) who will say similar to me, if he's asked to do something he doesn't want to do. If he says 'I hate you'. I say 'Oh dear, never mind'!! It's taken a while but he's learnt that saying things like that to me, doesn't work!!

It’s a fairly short phase IME (my children don’t have SEN)

My dd did this in year 1 too. We didn’t reprimand her or tell her her words were hurtful or mean as she was already upset at herself for saying them out loud. We told her that her feelings were ok and that we loved her very much. For us it turned out that she was really struggling with the change of pace at school. She needed more downtime and to play and have fun after school. Whist it was really horrible to hear it was also clear that she was struggling. It took a few weeks and we were both exhausted but with a change in afterschool routine and a lot more dress up and role play she soon settled.

As hes just started school, could it be that he is unknowingly masking at school and then grumpiness/obstinate behaviour is coming out at home where he feels safe enough to crumble a bit?

I'd say 'ah, right'

He's five and has no clue

Just move on

My son when younger (similar age) has said such things previously. I would say he is testing out how to push your buttons - kids are great at learning this. He has found a way to rattle you and being a smart little cookie he is using his skills effectively. He is learning about human dynamics and also learning that he is seperate and different to you and that he can affect your emotions. He also is learning how to handle his own emotions and dissapointment, He probably cant put his finger on the feelings exactly so it is expressed in this way - to his nearest and dearest. It is because he loves you that he feels safe to express his emotions to you. It is a compliment. How I have handled this when it occurred is to explain I was very hurt and upset by what he said. I also bought the pack of emotions cards which are great - each has a facial expression and simple description of an emotion and looking through them and identifying emotions has been something we have done when needed. I cant remember where we bought them from but it was online. As he has got older (and me wiser to it) when it says it now (or just ignores me when i said I love him) I said thats ok you dont need to express your love for me because I know you love me ,...... and I love you too ! So overall my message is dont worry - he loves you, is developing his emotions and its great he has enough trust in you that he feels safe to express emotions in this way. But do let him know that it is hurtful to hear it.

One of my sons yelled "I HATE you" once when he was in trouble. My response was "Good! Then it means I am doing my job".

I know it is hurting your heart, but it is a phase. I promise it will pass.

I echo this op.😔

My cousin's little boy was about this age when he shouted at him "You smell like a poo!"

He doesn't so I think it can just be casting about for the worst thing in their arsenal because they are cross.

'That's a shame because I love you'
And carry on with your day.
No love bombing, no pushing him for cuddles etc.He is doing this to get a reaction. It's nasty and pushing the boundaries and he needs to learn that he needs to be kind.

Sounds like it's getting a reaction so he does it more.

You need to answer back flippantly and without emotion each time so he gets bored.

'i don't love you' - 'Tough, I still love you.'

'you're the worst mum' - 'But I'm your only mum'

'i hate you' - 'But I still love you'

'dont come near me' - 'Ok, you can go to your room if you want to be alone.'

'i don't forgive you' - 'That's ok, I forgive you.'

That must be really hurtful.
In any case I would say from what you've said, that it's not directly because of you maybe something has happened at school. You could talk to the teachers.
I can empathise, my son's first text message to me at the age of 12, was "I hate you" , but there was other stuff going on, and now he's 22 and we have a very good, loving relationship.

Ah mine used to say this, I used to just say ‘well good job I love you loads then!’ And moved on. An age thing for sure.

DS did this at the same age, so just to provide reassurance it can be normal and pass. We did go through phases of questioning if there were SEN at play but 3 years later, I've come to the conclusion it was an anxiety response. He can be quite anxious and it used to come out as aggressivity/rudeness. He's now a lovely little boy who tells me he loves me all the time.

My guess would be that he's a bit unsettled/anxious, probably due to school. For DS he always went in happily and did amazingly so it was confusing, but it's because he was putting so much pressure on himself he eventually had to 'explode'.

He’s probably picked it up from another child at school and is doing it for attention. I’ve had experiences of this briefly with one of my children. First couple of times worth saying ‘that’s hurtful, please don’t say it. We can hate things not people.’ If he is just venting though, about experiences, that’s different. I’d let him run with it but remind him not to say it to others.

After that, I’d ignore it completely around the home and ask family members to do the same (make them aware you’re working on it if he does it often enough that it is noticeable). It’s harder out in public, granted. I think a simple ‘we don’t say that’ and then swiftly change the subject or distract him, if repeated often enough should nip it in the bud after a couple of weeks.

I would say though, try to hide just how much it bothers you, children will tend to repeat positive/negative behaviour when it receives a lot of attention and children love yanking their parents’ chains!

Argee with this. I also think they push you away to see you come back. A bit like the baby who makes a game of throwing the toy away, to see you magically produce it again, every time. It's an important part of their development to know you'll still keep coming back. I think it’s part of secure attachment, at this age they realise you're not joined at the hip like when you were mother and baby, they also start going to school and need to form some sort of independence, but they still need you and need to be sure you won't go away.

It’s also just plain boundary testing and willfulness, which is why you also need to stand your ground if it's something they must do. I agree with poster above, you're the safe person they can they can work their frustrations out on.

My son was a knob at that age too 😂

He's discovering he has autonomy and saying things can get a reaction. I'd do what others have said.
I used to say that's a shame because I love you. We still have to clean up though so let's do it together... Repeat ad nauseum..

Give it a year or two and they settle down.
Age 7 seemed to get better and had a lovely few years but hitting 13 has been like going back to having a toddler 😂

This is a normal phase for some children. Try not to react in a emotional way.

He’s doing it for effect. When he says he doesn’t love you just calmly tell him ‘well I love you’ and get on with something else elsewhere.

Obviously this is very typical of lots of children but like other posters my SEN child will say this when overwhelmed and confused by what their negative emotion is. Usually when not getting their own way.

My sen child never said she hated me but was painful around that age. I’d usually hear her crying in her room talking out loud about me and how she wanted to tell me I’m fat.

It is OK to react. Just smile and say "But I love you heaps!" Every time. No variation.