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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH away for 3 nights and didn’t call

60 replies

Mismatc · 23/09/2025 13:20

My DH is very lovely, incredibly hardworking (professionally and in the home), and is a doting dad. I have 3 DC - 13 yo and 11yo from a previous marriage (they have an excellent relationship with him) and a 19 month old with my DH. DH has not stayed away since the youngest was born because he simply didn’t want to and would miss her too much. I haven’t had any nights away from her either, she is breastfed

DH went to a wedding abroad from Friday morning to Monday evening. His first time away since she was born. He’s worked so hard leading up to it - I said to go and have a wonderful time with no responsibility and do not feel guilty at all, you deserve it. We said nothing about contact home, he has done nothing wrong. In retrospect I can recognise that envouraging him to enjoy no responsibilities to me meant no washing/ housework/ childcare. Not that I expected him to switch off to our existence 😅

DH did send a few messages whilst away (not many but this is our usual style and neither of us like texting). I do like goodnight messages which I have told him in the past but it’s not important to him and contact was sparse. The thing that surprised me is that he didn’t call or FaceTime once whilst away. I didn’t realise I had any expectations before this happened but I found this unsettling. I found it disconcerting that he can go from the most doting dad to not feeling the need to call our 19 month old or have any contact with her. I can now see that my expectations were maybe a 5 minute FaceTime once or twice whilst away. Again, not his fault because this wasn’t discussed before he went

He didn’t do anything overtly wrong but I feel a bit unsettled. I would have 100% wanted to see her little face and check in with him briefly if I were abroad. Especially, if it were my first time away from her and I’d left him and the children in the UK

OP posts:
Original poster
Mismatc · 23/09/2025 13:35

Bumped off page one with no replies, I’m clearly boring 😂

OP posts:
Worriedalltheday · 23/09/2025 13:40

Yanbu. You don’t go from ‘incredible’ and doting to not even wanting to see your child for ONE minute? Surely that doesnt sound right. Not even one minute in 3 days? Whose wedding was it?

Toomanywaterbottles · 23/09/2025 13:43

To be fair, I probably wouldn’t have done a FaceTime either. He sent you a couple of messages. I think that’s just fine.

Nothankyov · 23/09/2025 13:43

Well I think it depends on the relationship but personally I would find it very off. When my DH is away he keeps calling when he has a break and if I don’t answer he will call our eldest.

indoorplantqueen · 23/09/2025 13:43

I go away a few times a year. I rarely phone DH. Will send messages and maybe a photo but usually I’m the zone of wedding/ girls trip.

FirstdatesFred · 23/09/2025 13:45

Was it a boozy trip?

Mysticaldeer · 23/09/2025 13:49

Time to spice up the marriage, I think.

BalalaikaBalaclavaBaklava · 23/09/2025 13:49

I go away for a weekend at least once a year with friends, ever since my eldest was 2 and I've never called husband to just say hello/check in, within him or our kids. If they'd asked me to, I would have but otherwise it's never seemed necessary to me. It doesn't change the fact I love my DH and our kids.

I wouldn't judge him harshly because I am basically your DH in this scenario.

Original poster
Mismatc · 23/09/2025 13:49

I can see both sides here. Interesting that others wouldn’t be all that worried about contact with a 19 month old. I’m more relaxed when they’re older but first time away from a small one, I’d personally want to call

OP posts:
Anchorage56 · 23/09/2025 13:51

What did he say when you spoke to him about it?

Pezdeoro41 · 23/09/2025 13:53

It's only two days, he obviously has confidence in your parenting abilities. I don't feel the need to call my own child if away for such a short time - I get people are different on this but I don't think this is odd. Parents don't get much of a chance to switch off mentally, I don't think it's wrong for anyone to do that if they know their children are safe and well. He did message, that seems sufficient to me.

Original poster
Mismatc · 23/09/2025 13:53

A friend’s wedding with lots of his friends there. He doesn’t really drink and said he spent lot of the weekend talking about parenting and how much he loves it. There was one baby there, 5 months old, that he said he gravitated towards. Said he missed the family a lot and although had a nice time prefers being with his family

He said he was trying to have a screen detox and be in the moment. He probably should have told me that, haha

OP posts:
TalulahJP · 23/09/2025 13:55

I bet he comes back delighted to see his child. It was only a couple of days away. He was sending messages so didnt forget you all.

Next time be clear on your expectations of a phone call on day two or whatever.

Although that said, It’s hard to be out with pals and having to go away to make a phone call. I have to go to a quiet room as I can hear if it’s say windy outdoors or whatever and that’s a hassle if I need to excuse myself from a family gathering for half an hour to get back to my quiet room to speak on the phone, and return to them after, by which point they’ve left to do whatever etc etc. .

He was prob up late too, returning to his room at 1am or something so too late to call.

He didnt forget about you. He’s got the rest of his life with you. There’s no drama here. Let him enjoy himself.

IkaBaar · 23/09/2025 13:56

I’d be happy with the odd message. Calling might have upset your toddler more than not calling her.

bunnypenny · 23/09/2025 13:57

I’m going away tomorrow till Saturday - I doubt I’ll FaceTime my three kids (3,5&6).

my husband has been away since Saturday (back tonight) and he also hasn’t FaceTimed. I’ve spoken to him once for 5mins. It really doesn’t bother me or the kids.

Original poster
Mismatc · 23/09/2025 13:58

I really wanted him to have a break as well, it is rare for parents and he deserves it. I don’t know why it made me uncomfortable, the change maybe? He hates when he is on long days because he only sees her an hour and if I’ve gone away for the weekend with her he wants to FaceTime

I forgot that! He works a lot of weekends (doctor) so sometimes I go away with the children. He has been apart from her for weekends before but not with him being the one being away. She’s breastfed so where I go, she goes

OP posts:
DappledThings · 23/09/2025 13:58

I wouldn't have called home in that short a time frame or expected DH to. At 19 months neither of my children would have found seeing my face on a screen comforting or even understood at all and they certainly wouldn't have interacted in any useful way. I would have assumed all was well unless told otherwise so would text a couple of times then come home.

Anchorage56 · 23/09/2025 13:59

If you don't know why it makes you uncomfortable then how can we possibly comment.

GoldDuster · 23/09/2025 14:00

I'm away a lot, I'm a messager and a photo sender, hardly ever a caller, unless something is wrong.

I think this is a case of expectations, there's not much chat to be had with a 19 month old over the phone.

Original poster
Mismatc · 23/09/2025 14:02

All very helpful replies, thank you. @Anchorage56 people typically come here with unprocessed feelings to gain some perspective…

I knew that he had done nothing wrong but I needed a bit of help developing my perspective, thank you all

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 23/09/2025 14:03

He’s worked so hard leading up to it - I said to go and have a wonderful time with no responsibility and do not feel guilty at all, you deserve it

Yet now you are upset that he didn't call / facetime? How do you even facetime a baby? (I am old)

Make up your mind. You literally told him to go and have a 'well deserved, no responsibility' break and he did.

Ablondiebutagoody · 23/09/2025 14:05

Away for a few days and a lot of that travelling and/or drinking, I doubt I would have face timed either. A few messages and some pics of the baby would be fine.

Coffeeishot · 23/09/2025 14:05

Mismatc · 23/09/2025 13:49

I can see both sides here. Interesting that others wouldn’t be all that worried about contact with a 19 month old. I’m more relaxed when they’re older but first time away from a small one, I’d personally want to call

Why though your little one is almost a toddler the baby is fine you were fine, you said to your husband go have fun which he did with the odd text here and there, because he loves you and checking in that you were all OK which you were, are you maybe annoyed he didn't "miss you " ?

TSMWEL · 23/09/2025 14:06

I wouldn’t expect him to ft a 19mo but I’d have probably expected a quick call at some point checking in to make sure you were all ok, tell you a bit about what was going on with the wedding etc, just general keeping in touch. I’m assuming when you go away with the kids that’s the level of communication you have, which is why you expected it to be reciprocated.

Just have a chat and agree on what you’ll both do going forwards.

Anchorage56 · 23/09/2025 14:07

Mismatc · 23/09/2025 14:02

All very helpful replies, thank you. @Anchorage56 people typically come here with unprocessed feelings to gain some perspective…

I knew that he had done nothing wrong but I needed a bit of help developing my perspective, thank you all

Well glad people have put your mind at rest!

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