DH away for 3 nights and didn’t call

[Mismatc]

My DH is very lovely, incredibly hardworking (professionally and in the home), and is a doting dad. I have 3 DC - 13 yo and 11yo from a previous marriage (they have an excellent relationship with him) and a 19 month old with my DH. DH has not stayed away since the youngest was born because he simply didn’t want to and would miss her too much. I haven’t had any nights away from her either, she is breastfed

DH went to a wedding abroad from Friday morning to Monday evening. His first time away since she was born. He’s worked so hard leading up to it - I said to go and have a wonderful time with no responsibility and do not feel guilty at all, you deserve it. We said nothing about contact home, he has done nothing wrong. In retrospect I can recognise that envouraging him to enjoy no responsibilities to me meant no washing/ housework/ childcare. Not that I expected him to switch off to our existence 😅

DH did send a few messages whilst away (not many but this is our usual style and neither of us like texting). I do like goodnight messages which I have told him in the past but it’s not important to him and contact was sparse. The thing that surprised me is that he didn’t call or FaceTime once whilst away. I didn’t realise I had any expectations before this happened but I found this unsettling. I found it disconcerting that he can go from the most doting dad to not feeling the need to call our 19 month old or have any contact with her. I can now see that my expectations were maybe a 5 minute FaceTime once or twice whilst away. Again, not his fault because this wasn’t discussed before he went

He didn’t do anything overtly wrong but I feel a bit unsettled. I would have 100% wanted to see her little face and check in with him briefly if I were abroad. Especially, if it were my first time away from her and I’d left him and the children in the UK

Just say -next time you go away can you call? It was a bit odd that you didn't call to speak to DD.' He probably has no idea you minded.

I’ve just returned from 3 nights away and never called my DH or children 😬. Sent a couple of messages but didn’t occur to me to call tbh.

Why are you so angry about someone elses husband and what they do? He was away for the weekend and text.

I mean this is quite healthy imo,

Rubbish. What's the point of calling a 19 month old? They won't communicate particularly and it won't make any difference to missing them.

I went away for long weekends twice a year when DC were that age. Never called DH. Didn't cross my mind to. A couple of texts checking in yes.

Not everyone thinks daily phone contact is meaningful.

It sounds like he had a good break. No need to feel insecure about it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder after all

DH and I have never gone a day without a call or text at the very least. Lots of international travel for work. I guess it depends on the couple. We just do it naturally, not anything we’ve discussed. Married 24 years. If it’s important to you just let him know for next time.

It takes all sorts to make a world. There's no way I could have married someone who thinks as you do.

I've been away numerous times without DP and DS who is 7. The only 2 times I've called were the very first time as I was emotional about leaving DS as he was only 1, and the time I went for 2 weeks. Other than the 2 weeks the others have all been 1-4 nights and we've text but not called. During the 2 week trip I called or video called 4 or 5 times. It wouldn't be a problem for me the other way round either. Do like to keep in contact by text though.

I've been on girls weekends where the others are calling and facetiming their partners and kids sometimes multiple times a day, which I find a bit much. If I'm away I like to switch off mostly

He has been apart from her for weekends before but not with him being the one being away.

You said he hasn’t stayed away from her and wouldn’t want to because he’d miss her to much but he has stayed away from her. Who goes is irrelevant, he’s still spent weekends without her. Going by that information I’d say he’s comfortable enough leaving her without FaceTime or a call. He did contact so I don’t think he’s unreasonable

Three days away doesn't warrant a facetime call.
Did you try to ft him?

He presumably has photos and videos to look at, and honestly you keep saying you wanted him to relax and have a break so that's what he did!

I don't understand how it made you feel uncomfortable, unless it's not really about him not face timing your toddler?
Do you feel neglected yourself?

He texted, he obviously trusts you to look after the DC, if there had been the need for a call I'm sure he would have.

It’s thrown up these emotions in you because his gone from the doting dad missing her constantly and if you take her away missing her to he went away and basically acted as if you didn’t exist.

Its changed your view of him as a father. You expected based on his norm to want a video chat even for 2 minutes to see this baby he proclaims to miss but when it came to it he couldn’t be bothered.

Not saying it’s right or wrong of you just it’s thrown you a curve because he didn’t behave how you expected based on his normal
actions.

Messages are fine. It's 3 days. You can survive without hearing his voice for 3 days! Let him enjoy himself. It's your choice that you don't want the same free time away - he would probably give it to and hold the fort if you wanted it.

Agreed. I've been with my DH for 30 years, married for 27. He's a hardworking husband and doting father to our three DC. He's been away for work for a week at time before now. We've never done Facetime or other video messaging, I just can't be doing with that. We know what we look like. A brief phone call in the evening, after the DC were put to bed, to check all's well either end, was all that was needed. In the case of the OP, it's only three nights. A few messages would be fine imo. I wouldn't say it bore any reflection on the relationship either with the OP or their children.

I think calls with young children are always either difficult or disappointing. They don't care or get upset. I think texts are better in this circumstance.

You feel as you feel OP. It's not for others to tell you whether to be upset about this or not be upset.
I would have felt the same as you but generally the MN view seems to be if someone goes away for a holiday with friends , or a wedding trip, or whatever then they are going for a good time and that involves virtually forgetting they have a family at home.
I couldn't do it and my H couldn't have done it when he was alive.

I've just been away for three days and not called - although my kids are tweens so older. I did send a lot of messages though and some pics - not always time with all the activities going on to call or FaceTime.

I don't see anywhere that you called him either though? If a call was so important, why didn't you pick up the phone? I don't think it's fair to judge him for identical behaviour to yours.

Hmm I don’t know. I mean you didn’t even know what you wanted / expected of him before he went, so I’m not sure what you thought he should / would do!

But I do think 3 days is quite a long time without a call.

Just talk about it next time.

DH and I find that it is typically the one at home that notices the quantity and quality of contact. The one who is away is usually too busy (not always having fun!) and also just exhausted - we don't sleep as well when not at home, the travel is tiring and so any downtime often leads to a bit of a collapse and unwind doing anything to just relax and gear up for whatever the next call on our energy and attention is going to be without easily finding time to call home.

Left my 2 year old for a week and I only face timed once and it was a disaster made her more upset and asking for me - I didn’t do it again and she never mentioned me once and had a great week! So I wouldn’t call again if I was in same situation with my second child

Everyone’s different but we are very much call if there’s a problem
so nether of us would expect any great contact

This will depend on the couple. My DH regularly goes without calling and depending on how needy I’m feeling depends if I notice. I never go anywhere but if I did I’m not sure I’d call, probably just message

Not the point of the post but your youngest is a toddler now. You should absolutely be able to leave her if she's 19 months as her main source of nutrition is in the meals she has. And she can drink milk from a cup whether it be breast milk or cows etc.