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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want someone to ask me how I am

69 replies

Stripedpillow · 23/09/2025 11:25

And care about my answer?

I don’t speak to my Mum (she’s an alcoholic). My Dad is emotionally closed off. I have friends but no best friend.

My husband is a good man and tries his best but he naturally defaults to offering solutions rather than just being a supportive, listening ear. He’s not horrible with it, he’s just not wired like me emotionally. It’s an issue in our marriage that we will work on - but either way it would be nice to have someone else to talk to, too.

I just wish I had someone to talk to, properly. Someone to check in on me, who will ask me how I am, and to whom I could be honest with and say “actually I’m having a bit of a rough day”, and they’d actually know what to say. I’d happily make it a two way conversation too - it’s not a ‘woe is me’ thing. I think for most people this is what their Mum or best friend does?

I just want to be emotionally close to someone. Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
Original poster
Stripedpillow · 23/09/2025 11:27

When I read it back, I actually think I’m really lonely

OP posts:
Mumofsoontobe3 · 23/09/2025 11:32

Me too OP. I have the kids and DH. My 3 children are young (2 under 2) and I speak to almost no one. It's hard to make friends as an adult. My DH is like yours, he tries but he offers solutions instead of giving me a bit of grace and just a listening ear.

Original poster
Stripedpillow · 23/09/2025 11:37

Mumofsoontobe3 · 23/09/2025 11:32

Me too OP. I have the kids and DH. My 3 children are young (2 under 2) and I speak to almost no one. It's hard to make friends as an adult. My DH is like yours, he tries but he offers solutions instead of giving me a bit of grace and just a listening ear.

Similar situation here. 3 under 3 (twin babies + just turned two year old) plus a six year old.

I know lots of people, would call plenty of them friends, but just don’t have that “person”.

OP posts:
Cinaferna · 23/09/2025 11:39

I've started to think that is what therapists are for. I barely mentioned an issue I was having to someone very close to me the other day and she literally turned away and changed the subject. It is not as though I have a tendency to whine on about my own problems. But I've come to realise that most friendships are about lightness, escapism, fun, not heart to hearts. That's okay if you manage expectations. But it would be nice to have someone care how you feel day to day. Friends who are happy to do this along with being up for lightness and fun are gold dust.

Original poster
Stripedpillow · 23/09/2025 11:46

You’re probably right @Cinaferna I’ve had lots of therapy before but it’s just too formal.

What about Mums though? I’ve never had a mother-adult daughter relationship but I hope my children will be able to talk to me when they’re older? And that I could be a good support to them?

OP posts:
PullingOutHair123 · 23/09/2025 12:05

Not all Mum/daughter relationships are great in this way.

I have a good relationship with mine, talk semi regularly, visit each way. But no in depth how are you discussions. Weird really.

I think at your time of life, people have just got their hands full and barely coping with their young kids, work, financial pressures etc. It's like people can just about hold it together to look like they are "succeeding" at life - when in reality, they are a step away from collapsing on the sofa crying into the bottom of a bottle of wine. They don't necessarily have the capacity to ask how someone else is. Not because they don't care, but because they have run out of bandwidth - or spoons - themselves.

It does get better. My kids are older, and I have some fantastic friends whose kids have grown up with mine. We have more time now, not controlled by nap times and snacks and bed times and tantrums. We can go to each others houses and relax, or go out for an evening and we do care how we are all doing. 10 years ago we just about managed a stressed picnic at the park, with one kid wetting themselves, another standing on the crisps, someone grazing a knee and screaming like the end of the world, before dragging our kids back home again cheerily stating how we must do this again, while thinking omg never again.

Mumofsoontobe3 · 23/09/2025 12:12

Stripedpillow · 23/09/2025 11:37

Similar situation here. 3 under 3 (twin babies + just turned two year old) plus a six year old.

I know lots of people, would call plenty of them friends, but just don’t have that “person”.

Show quote history

I have a newborn. 1 year old and 6 year old. It's hard! I have 'friends' but no one I speak to regularly. I don't have a best friend either. I had my children before my friends did, so they're out doing their own thing.

Original poster
Stripedpillow · 23/09/2025 12:15

PullingOutHair123 · 23/09/2025 12:05

Not all Mum/daughter relationships are great in this way.

I have a good relationship with mine, talk semi regularly, visit each way. But no in depth how are you discussions. Weird really.

I think at your time of life, people have just got their hands full and barely coping with their young kids, work, financial pressures etc. It's like people can just about hold it together to look like they are "succeeding" at life - when in reality, they are a step away from collapsing on the sofa crying into the bottom of a bottle of wine. They don't necessarily have the capacity to ask how someone else is. Not because they don't care, but because they have run out of bandwidth - or spoons - themselves.

It does get better. My kids are older, and I have some fantastic friends whose kids have grown up with mine. We have more time now, not controlled by nap times and snacks and bed times and tantrums. We can go to each others houses and relax, or go out for an evening and we do care how we are all doing. 10 years ago we just about managed a stressed picnic at the park, with one kid wetting themselves, another standing on the crisps, someone grazing a knee and screaming like the end of the world, before dragging our kids back home again cheerily stating how we must do this again, while thinking omg never again.

This is a good point, thank you for giving me this perspective

OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 23/09/2025 12:19

The best way to get that person is to start being one to someone else. Is there anyone who confides to you and you're there for them? If so but they don't reciprocate, ditch them and find someone else to be a mutual support to.

GiantYorkshirePud · 23/09/2025 12:24

I feel you OP.

I have an almost 8 month old. Struggling with sleep, general motherhood and teething.
My mum always asks how ‘her granddaughter is’ but never how i am.

I only have my husband to talk to, but considering just paying for a therapist tbh.

BengalBangle · 23/09/2025 12:25

I hear you, OP; it's tough.
I don't have a Mum or Dad, no sibling to share things with, no DH or DP, no close friends to confide in; no-one.
I think if there was anything deep enough for me to need to talk it through with someone, I'd find a therapist, or even a Facebook group?!
In the meantime, I just middle along, pushing anything too difficult down.
I hope my DC - twin girls, aged 7.5, feel they can come to me with anything as they grow up.

SpamBeansAndWaffles · 23/09/2025 12:25

In the meantime- how are you?

I'll listen.

Original poster
Stripedpillow · 23/09/2025 12:25

vivainsomnia · 23/09/2025 12:19

The best way to get that person is to start being one to someone else. Is there anyone who confides to you and you're there for them? If so but they don't reciprocate, ditch them and find someone else to be a mutual support to.

No, not really. I have one friend who I see fairly regularly and we do chat to each other but she has so many friends, and we are quite different people. I supported her recently when she got into trouble at work, asked how she was regularly, was a good listener. I can’t remember the last time she asked me about anything going on in my life.

An acquaintance recently disclosed that she was struggling with secondary infertility. I was surprised she told me but we had a really lovely conversation and I felt like I was really supportive. I feel like we could be good friends but how I take it from where we are now (she’s just a fellow school Mum) to being friends… I don’t know

OP posts:
Original poster
Stripedpillow · 23/09/2025 12:27

GiantYorkshirePud · 23/09/2025 12:24

I feel you OP.

I have an almost 8 month old. Struggling with sleep, general motherhood and teething.
My mum always asks how ‘her granddaughter is’ but never how i am.

I only have my husband to talk to, but considering just paying for a therapist tbh.

My twins are 8 months old. It is HARD. When I did speak to my Mum she only ever asked about the grandchildren too. I hope you find someone to talk to too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stripedpillow · 23/09/2025 12:28

BengalBangle · 23/09/2025 12:25

I hear you, OP; it's tough.
I don't have a Mum or Dad, no sibling to share things with, no DH or DP, no close friends to confide in; no-one.
I think if there was anything deep enough for me to need to talk it through with someone, I'd find a therapist, or even a Facebook group?!
In the meantime, I just middle along, pushing anything too difficult down.
I hope my DC - twin girls, aged 7.5, feel they can come to me with anything as they grow up.

I’m so sorry. It’s hard, isn’t it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stripedpillow · 23/09/2025 12:33

SpamBeansAndWaffles · 23/09/2025 12:25

In the meantime- how are you?

I'll listen.

Thank you for asking 🙂

I am having a hard time. The twins are in a great routine but I feel trapped by it. If one of them doesn’t nap when they’re “supposed to”, I find myself getting really frustrated. I never thought I’d be so wedded to a routine - but with twins it’s the only thing that keeps me sane. In reality, it means we rarely leave the house because the smallest of things can knock the routine out of place. I was always out and about with my other two other kids so I know staying in isn’t helpful, and my mental health is suffering, yet I just don’t seem to be able to change.

It’s a glorious day outside, I should take them for a walk, but I just can’t motivate myself.

Meanwhile things with my Mum are complicated and always on my mind.

How are you?

OP posts:
Whatareyoutalkingaboutnow · 23/09/2025 12:35

Stripedpillow · 23/09/2025 12:25

No, not really. I have one friend who I see fairly regularly and we do chat to each other but she has so many friends, and we are quite different people. I supported her recently when she got into trouble at work, asked how she was regularly, was a good listener. I can’t remember the last time she asked me about anything going on in my life.

An acquaintance recently disclosed that she was struggling with secondary infertility. I was surprised she told me but we had a really lovely conversation and I felt like I was really supportive. I feel like we could be good friends but how I take it from where we are now (she’s just a fellow school Mum) to being friends… I don’t know

Show quote history

Just invite her for a coffee next time you're chatting and go from there.

I think this issue is partly why mumsnet exists. Advice, support, ideas, it's all here.

Blueberryme · 23/09/2025 12:36

I get it OP.

My DM died a year ago and not one friend has asked me how I am since - it’s like it never happened. It makes me feel very lonely )and I’m not the type to bore people with my feelings either by wittering on and on) but not even a “how are you doing” even once makes me feel so sad. I’ve decided I just have to rely on myself in life and friends are only there for the good times.

magicalmadmadamim · 23/09/2025 12:39

without wanting to sound old fashioned, this is a very typical man thing!
men generally dont talk to each other about 'feelings', more about things. communication is key. ive asked my DH in the past if he can ask me how i am and how my day has been etc. he does remember sometimes!
i appreciate he tries to make the effort as he knows it means something to me, it just wasnt something that came naturally.

childofthe607080s · 23/09/2025 12:40

I think you are wrong in the “most people” bit

i suspect that a lot of people are solvers rather than listeners and don’t really understand why listening seems to be so important to some people - something broke fix it not talk about it

would a diary / journal help ?

edit to add it’s not a man thing - is suspect it a mixture of nature and nurture meaning you see it more clearly in men

( can you tell i really don’t understand it / i know that some people are like that , but i have absolutely no comprehension of why )

shellyleppard · 23/09/2025 12:41

@Stripedpillow hi I'm 56 and the same situation. Have one very close friend but that's it. Single mum to two sons (20 and 17,) so I understand what its like. Sending hugs and a listening ear if you need it x

zeddybrek · 23/09/2025 12:52

Hi OP. I'm in a similar position. Just very little emotional connection with anyone. I feel lonely but am surrounded by people, local acquaintances, neighbours etc. DH does the same, solutions and he's also very critical so I'm finding i just don't bother. I'm close to my mum but I don't share my real feelings because she doesn't really care or worries or even worse, blames me for my problems. My best friend has depression and doesn't need me to share anything so I am supporting her best I can. So this leaves me with no one really asking me how I am, meaning it and being there to follow through with a long conversation.

OP I have found a local therapist and it is going well and giving me space to air my feelings with no judgement or pressure. Time for me to just talk. About anything. I love it.

@PullingOutHair123 you put it so well. Also thank you for giving us hope that it does get better.

TammyJones · 23/09/2025 12:55

as pp said men just want ti fix things. And ti be fair sometimes that’s all I want
But you’re talking about ‘connection’
Everyone wants that.
But as a daughter of an alcoholic mother there will be a lot in your psychie ti unpick.
A good therapist is want you need.
One who works on healing yiur inner child.
That little girl is the one whose needs weren’t met and they aren’t be met now.

Acommonwomble · 23/09/2025 12:56

Stripedpillow · 23/09/2025 12:25

No, not really. I have one friend who I see fairly regularly and we do chat to each other but she has so many friends, and we are quite different people. I supported her recently when she got into trouble at work, asked how she was regularly, was a good listener. I can’t remember the last time she asked me about anything going on in my life.

An acquaintance recently disclosed that she was struggling with secondary infertility. I was surprised she told me but we had a really lovely conversation and I felt like I was really supportive. I feel like we could be good friends but how I take it from where we are now (she’s just a fellow school Mum) to being friends… I don’t know

Show quote history

I'm not a mum so I can't quite empathize in the same way I think but sending you a hug because I know very much what it's like to be struggling (nothing absolutely major just general life grind) and always being the one asking how others are doing and not having it reciprocated.

I just wanted to respond regarding what you said about not being sure how to take it to the next level with this new friend. It sounds like she thinks of you as a good person to trust in so maybe just ask if she would fancy a coffee sometime and go from there?

stayathomer · 23/09/2025 12:59

I don’t think older mum relationships are like that- if I tell my mum too much she worries so I keep it very low key! It is hard op, I heard a talk the other day about how men are wired and they say women are programmed to listen whereas the term mansplaining literally comes from men wanting to find a solution and feeling they’re helping by offering one (even though all we want is to let it out and that would make us feel better)