To want someone to ask me how I am

[Stripedpillow]

And care about my answer?

I don’t speak to my Mum (she’s an alcoholic). My Dad is emotionally closed off. I have friends but no best friend.

My husband is a good man and tries his best but he naturally defaults to offering solutions rather than just being a supportive, listening ear. He’s not horrible with it, he’s just not wired like me emotionally. It’s an issue in our marriage that we will work on - but either way it would be nice to have someone else to talk to, too.

I just wish I had someone to talk to, properly. Someone to check in on me, who will ask me how I am, and to whom I could be honest with and say “actually I’m having a bit of a rough day”, and they’d actually know what to say. I’d happily make it a two way conversation too - it’s not a ‘woe is me’ thing. I think for most people this is what their Mum or best friend does?

I just want to be emotionally close to someone. Can anyone relate?

have you tried chatgpt ? you can talk to it for ages.

I’m similar. I seem to have a face that people like to confide in - both friends and acquaintances. I do feel like I’m always listening and supporting people but it’s rarely returned.

i met with friend for 4 hours last week and the first two hours was just her vomiting stuff. I listened and supported for half of that then brought up my fairly significant news. There was maybe 5 minutes about that and then it was back to her.

Next day she messages how lovely it was to see me and what a nice time she had! I’m not even sure how to go about changing these “friendships”…

I feel like that, I'm no ones first priority. I've lost my husband, mum and dad. DC at the age where they only care about themselves. I dread becoming ill as they'll be no one there for me.

Just know you are not alone and many know how you feel!

How do I erase comment tried and tried. Tx for help

I have no one at all. My parents are dead, no siblings, no partner, no children. I have a few friends but not the sort I confide in. The closest person is my ex DH but he lives in another city and we aren't in contact that often. I just muddle along by myself, I guess I'm used to it.

I’m really sorry to hear this. It sounds so tough. I cannot imagine how that must have felt. It must have been awful to not have the support you needed and the family you wanted. Your sister-in-law sounds awful for destroying your letters.

Could you reach out to your other brothers through social media? Try to get contact details for them? Sounds as if there might be reasons you don’t want to but it’s an option if you did.

It sounds as if you’ve given up on friends though. It’s never too late though. Again if you want. Do you have hobbies or interests that you could pursue through local groups, libraries or evening classes?

Some families are not the best for asking how you are anyway. I think quite a lot of his is generational too. Their parents did not ask so they don’t ask. It just goes down the generations. So you might not get that connection with family although if you all had an equally tough childhood, you may be able to connect with that. Sometimes people just want to compartmentalise their feelings anyway and don’t want to talk about stuff as it’s too difficult. I guess that’s why there is therapists around to help. So families are no necessarily the best option for this.

You can see I grew up like those too - offering solutions rather than listening!

I hope things improve for you. Sending hugs.

I think there are a lot of people that are quite lonely. It sounds as if you don’t have many connections with others, but even among those that do have friends and/or family there can be loneliness. My DH is also one of those that offers a solution. As I said above, I am too. It’s quite a skill to listen properly. Not everybody can do this. My dad was always busy and my mum wasn’t one to talk about emotional stuff. It’s made it difficult for me to be like this too. I try to listen and sympathise, but it’s often easier to offer solutions if you don’t have those skills.

i agree with other posters though. You’re going through a tough stage just now with having really young children. From one point of view, it does get easier, but the issues you face just change! As they get older though, you can actually go out with friends and connect with them even if your children are there. I mean you can go to soft play with a friend and their children, and the children will disappear and play. At the moment, you won’t be able to connect with others as your children will want your attention every few minutes. When they get older too, it’s easier to leave them with someone and then just go out with friends alone. It means you can turn connect more. You just need to try to maintain those friendships whilst you’re busy with your young family. Or try a Twins Group.

Maybe just need to talk to DH every now and again, about this so he gets into the mindset of asking how you are and listening rather than offering solutions.

Unfortunately I’m not sure you can really change those types of friendships…. You could mention that you had stuff too, and didn’t get chance to be supported. However that could go either way. Taken on board or the friendship ends (or changes negatively). Difficult to know which way it would go.

This sounds tough too. Hopefully when your DC get a bit older they’ll realise and ask how you are. You’ve mentioned family, but hope you have friends you can connect with.

How are you. Looked into the eyes and waited for a response.
Im not sure anyone apart from partner has ever said this to me.
And right now i am so fragile i think i would just crumble.
My physiotherapist asked how things were apart from the problem im having but more in a generalised way and i had a lump in my throat with a 'everythings fine' breezy way...
So maybe its a good thing that noone else is going to ask.

I’m sorry to hear this. It sounds lonely. You’re not the only one though. If you have friends, you can see how it goes if you do try to connect more with one of two of them?

I was thinking this exact same thing the other day and come to the conclusion I probably need some kind of counsellor. I’ve no idea who or how and it is probably expensive but I could do with offloading to someone.

I do have a DM but she would just worry and like others have said about their friends, I feel like they wouldn’t want to spend time listening to problems, just want to have fun and forget life’s issues (which I do totally get) when we meet.

I hear you OP and feel the same!

I know how you feel OP. My close personal relationships are like this with no one I can speak to in depth. I am fortunate that I have close friends who will make an effort and can relate to how to I feel, but I don’t see them frequently and a lot of the conversations are via text or phone call.

I can empathise but I live alone. Sending you a hug.

I get what you mean about just wanting to vent, rather than have people off solutions! It is therapeutic and I suppose that’s why people pay for therapists.

I have lots of lovely friends who WOULD listen I know, but I don’t want to burden or bore them. I think it’s a lot to ask of friends, personally, and it changes your relationship with them irrevocably if you spill all your innermost worries and details to them.

If you do decide to unburden to them (rather than a professional listener) I really advise setting a time-limit, for both your sakes. I have sometimes said “Can I just have a moan for 5/10 minutes?” The friend knows it’s not going to an open-ended nightmare and the tone of your meet-up isn’t going to be totally dominated by misery. It’s extremely hard listening to people moaning - especially when they don’t want to hear solutions, so try to see it from the friend’s pov too.

I like to keep my friendships fun - I know they’d be there for me if necessary, but I’d think hard before using them as counsellors.

Thank you, but I'm not lonely in the slightest and have no wish to share my life with anyone else. I like my friends very much but they all have families of their own and I have no wish to impose on any of them, although I know they would help if asked. I've always been independent.

Thanks much appreciated for your kind comments. It seems I am not alone. Again the lady saying she never gets how are you, I am asking how are you. Good luck and kind wishes to all.

Did that for many people over the years but when needed the other way it wasn't reciprocated. People sucked me dry

Thank you. Yes I hope DC will step up in time!

My best friend is emigrating. I'm secretly distraught but glad for them. Other friends I see a couple of times a year for a coffee, that's all. I realise this is a problem for many these days, sadly.