To want someone to ask me how I am

[Stripedpillow]

And care about my answer?

I don’t speak to my Mum (she’s an alcoholic). My Dad is emotionally closed off. I have friends but no best friend.

My husband is a good man and tries his best but he naturally defaults to offering solutions rather than just being a supportive, listening ear. He’s not horrible with it, he’s just not wired like me emotionally. It’s an issue in our marriage that we will work on - but either way it would be nice to have someone else to talk to, too.

I just wish I had someone to talk to, properly. Someone to check in on me, who will ask me how I am, and to whom I could be honest with and say “actually I’m having a bit of a rough day”, and they’d actually know what to say. I’d happily make it a two way conversation too - it’s not a ‘woe is me’ thing. I think for most people this is what their Mum or best friend does?

I just want to be emotionally close to someone. Can anyone relate?

Are there no local Twins support groups you could join? 3 of my friends have twins (I don't) and I know they all met when their twins were babies through a local support group. That was 30+ years ago though - maybe they don't exist anymore?

I feel like I could’ve written your post, OP! My children are both under two, I have lots of acquaintances and even some good friends but no “best friend”, my mom is dead and I never had a good relationship with her anyway, and my dad only ever half listens to what I say 😂 my partner’s default response is either to try and promote positivity or find a solution. Both of which wind me up! I’m going to read through all your responses on this thread to see if there are any helpful tips in there!

I feel you, my friend.

Literal textbook narcissist/abusive mother, and my older sister is exactly like her (sister was the golden child and I’m adopted, so sister NEVER got any of the abuse.) Cared for my disabled dad for 21 years after he had an accident when I was 18 (catastrophic brain damage) and now I’m 43, no IRL friends, no spouse, no kids, no career, nothing. And I’d sooner gnaw off every single one of my toes than talk to my mother or sister about my problems or my feelings!

I have lovely pets who give me unconditional love, so I’m covered there, but sometimes I’d like someone to just talk to.

Of course, when I do talk to the few online friends I do have, I feel like all i do is whinge and complain XD

I don’t know how mental health/finding a therapist/etc. works over there (I live across the pond in the hellscape that is the US) but I saw a counselor for a while when I was having serious issues as a teenager, and also briefly had some therapy a few years ago (despite my then-DP “not believing” in therapy) and it honestly helped me so much. I didn’t need to go to therapy for years, apparently I just needed a “disinterested third party” to listen to my complaints, make soothing noises, and offer advice/things to try doing! XD

Not saying you need therapy, but that sometimes a detached person can hear you the clearest, without the bias of knowing you well, and can sometimes say more comforting things than a friend (or even a loved family member.)

But I completely understand feeling lonely. I moved back home a year ago after finally escaping a 24-year-long bad relationship, and I’m glad to be free, but it’s very, very lonely.

Well yes that is a good point about the little girl who maybe wasn’t heard properly at the time. Probably lots and lots to talk about there once you lift the lid

I feel like too sometimes OP. My colleagues say how are you - but it’s hard to really put it out there sometimes. So often they just talk at me and don’t even say “and how are you?” The conversational dance is all off kilter. I don’t talk to my mum much or my siblings, I don’t have a best friend so those avenues aren’t really there.

How are you today OP?

My mum is geographically quite close and I see her a fair bit but our relationship is not like that.

Even after I went through a really difficult time leaving abusive xH she said things like "when people ask me how you are, what should I tell them?" Rather than "how are you doing?"

Now my partner is the person who does this for me, and I for him.

I totally understand too. I have friends but they are people who want to talk about themselves and their problems without listening to me at all. Posting here has helped, there are some crazy threads and responses but I’ve also had some very kind and good advice.

How are you?
I do think people are becoming a little more selfish, sadly.
Even when something as profound as this happens.
How are you.......?

I’m so sorry to hear this. Can you join a book club or something that interests you. You need a friend, preferably a female one as men are crap at being supportive. We are all hear to listen to you, but I feel you need more. Sending you hugs.

You will be. Until then you need to find your people. You need to actively look and invite for coffee play dates etc.

I can relate OP. I have no one either. Mother is Covert narcissist which means everything is about her. Dad cared but died 3 years ago. Obviously I don’t unburden on my children. Great colleagues but no one if open up to. Just learned to be self reliant.

I get it. My mum passed years ago and my Dad has dementia. It is difficult. I don't have many friends and feel the same if it helps message me. Ive done it before and it helped me. My husband is a fixer and doesnt listen either.

I totally get what you mean.

I’m a (happily) single mum, I have friends but they’re all busy running round after their young kids whereas my DD is 13. I’m going through buying a house solo, a very challenging time at work at the moment with high pressure and sometimes I’d love to just have someone to talk about things to, no one has genuinely asked me how I am in I don’t know how long, unless my therapist counts 😂.

unfortunately with life being so busy now it feels we all have such little time left to actually connect.

For me my offload time is my dog walk. Early morning, peaceful time to think and reflect or headphones on and a podcast. Or days like today when I hadn’t walked the dog before work, busy day, horrendous actually, no one to talk to so a good old cry and then get on with it!!

How weird, I have been thinking exactly this tonight. I can feel a tickle at the back of my throat, like I'm coming down with something. I haven't bothered to mention it to my husband.... As soon as I mention something -hey presto, he too is feeling the same/worse and runs away with the conversation. I would love to have someone to talk to, but I don't .

I know I am deeply lonely.

Very much so. I always ask how people are but don't get it back. So how are you.

I don't have that kind of confiding relationship with my mum, but I think my adult daughter does with me.

My husband also is naturally a "fixer" but he has learned how to listen. It took time, though, and me expressing what I needed. We've been together more than 30 years.

It's really hard when kids are very small. More so with twins, I imagine? I do remember feeling lonely and isolated at the baby stage.

But over time I have made friendships that are mutually supportive, even in my 40s and 50s. Again, it took time and not every friendship has lasted.

Just trying to say, don't give up hope, OP. Things can change.

When i was small I was the only girl with 3 brothers, unfortunately 2 sisters died. My mother was busy looking after sick father who didn't show any kindness to me. My 3 brothers all went their own way and left me to look after mum, so when I met a man. I was naive to say the least. Mum died 34 years ago. My brothers have never contacted me and I didn't know their ohone numbers except the eldest. After being in hospital for a while, it woke me up and I phoned my eldest brother, only to find out he had died the year before and his wife who used to tear my letters to my brother up. She wanted to protect him so she said. So after a very bad domestic violent relationship, I have been reluctant to start anything again. I am too old now anyway. Just wanted to get it off my chest so if anyone reads it. Tx but like the lady who says no one asks how she is, she has my sympathies.

I agree. I had one friend who was always telling me her problems and she said what a good listener I was. Then one day I told her I was going through a rough time. She sounded quite annoyed, said she was having a bad time too, and I've not heard from her since. She obviously wasn't interested in mutual support.

I feel like this too. I'm sorry it's so hard..I'm the one to listen and support other people, but there is no one for me. It hurts my soul deeply.

My dh is a fixer too and doesn't understand just being there to listen.

It's very hard when no one is truly there for you.

I know how you feel. It may sound crazy but I’m finding Chag GPT really helpful for this.

I've had excellent results from Chat GPT on how to deal with stress and anxiety. Definitely worth a try.

Yeah, I feel this sometimes too.

I'm really lucky to have some lifelong friends who I'm still in contact with, but there's no-one in my life who I feel I can turn to like that.

My dad passed away last year and I guess he was my go-to person. I used to go to mum, but since dad died I feel like I don't want to burden her, as I know she worries. It was like I suddenly lost both parents. I've switched to looking out for mum, which I'm happy to do, but it has left me without that person who cares.

On a good day I'll realise I have my husband, my daughters, but I don't have a circle of local friends any more, or a best friend, like I used to.

Similarly to another poster, I've started to learn that most friendships seem to be so surface level. It makes me sad that we rarely dig deeper without scaring someone off.
People ask how you are as an opening but it's one of those things where the norm is a generic brush off over saying how you are really doing - no wonder lots of people feel lonely, we're not opening ourselves up for genuine connections.
My family don't ask me how I'm doing and I see them regularly. I find it bizarre, I guess they think I will just say and perhaps they feel uncomfortable opening up conversations on a more emotional level.
In fact I don't remember the last time my mum asked how I am.. but she will help me out til the end of the earth! Some show love differently but I can't say it hasn't been damaging to me when I have been going through a lot and wondered why I never got that simple question.

I'm only interested in frivolous friends... relationships that are filled with laughter, lightness and fun and normally accompanied with copious amounts of inexpensive alcohol. Jokes, maybe some nudity (I'm 58), followed by few attempts at belly dancing, inhibitions out the window... that kind of thing... Absurdity. Laughing at life. Qui ne risque rien n’a rien...

'My husband is a good man and tries his best but he naturally defaults to offering solutions rather than just being a supportive, listening ear.' I think this is normal male behaviour. My husband is the same. He's lovely, and he's great at giving hugs, but sometimes I just want a listening ear.
And if you want to meet mums of other twins OP, perhaps there's a Twins' Club near you. Your health visitor would probably be able to tell you about the nearest one. A Twins' Club meets at our church. If you live in the Bristol area, let me know.

Ask her if she fancies a coffee after you drop the kids off at school.