Why does sex seem to be just a commodity these days?

[PistachioTiramisu]

This is a subject which I genuinely find mystifying and it isn't criticism! Could people please tell me why so many find it acceptable to jump into bed with a man on their first date these days, or why sex seems to be so cheap now? From reading posts on here, It seems to me that it is considered quite OK to have a 'friend with benefits', Don't people want to get to know a prospective sexual partner and develop a relationship with them before indulging in sex any more? It all seems a bit sad and soulless to me!

Women have a choice now.
They are opting out of marriage/relationships, especially Gen z

Look at certain asian cultures for our future (South Korea)..very few children

We're far more puritanical about sex now than we were for most of human history. It's just sex. If you want to ascribe deeper meaning to it, go right ahead. Many people do not and just enjoy a shag

Actually, I was not 'complaining', merely pointing out how things have changed (and not for the better, in my opinion!).

I wonder about women and sex though. I am one by the way. It's difficult to know because it's so personal and women don't actually talk about this stuff all that much. We all know that men will mostly have an orgasm from any kind of sex - they might miss a deep connection and all that but they will generally have a good time. But do women, really? do they get physical pleasure from every casual encounter? I get the sense that in the majority of cases it's more of the thrill of being attractive but as usual men's wants are the focus in this type of encounter and the actual sex is not that good.

When I was in the casual sex phase of my life the sex was CRAP. Getting a 'body count' and feeling attractive was fun but the actual sex? Boring or stressful or a bit gross generally. I don't get the sense women are better at telling men what to do to make the sex physically pleasurable these days. I would love to be wrong though, I really would, so I'm happy to hear of different experiences (without wanting to sound hairy of hand). Maybe older women having casual relationships do have orgasms etc from casual encounters?

Agree with this - it’s actually LESS like using sex as a commodity to ‘give it away’ to anyone you fancy, than to cling onto it and wait until someone has ‘earned access to your body’ by sticking around for the prerequisite 5 dates or whatever.

And if you have a FWB the emphasis is often as much on the ‘Friends’ as the ‘benefits’, so you absolutely DO know them, like them, respect them etc, you just - for whatever reason - don’t want a full on relationship with them. That could be due to timing, lifestyles (my FWB travelled a lot so wasn’t in the country long enough to sustain a relationship, but when he was in the UK we had some lovely evenings) or maybe just that you’re not ready to jump into a new partnership after divorce etc.

However we choose to engage and connect with others is 100% acceptable, presuming both parties are consenting adults with all the info they need to make an informed choice.

I don’t have committed serious relationships. They have nothing to offer me.

Instead, I choose to have multiple friends-with-benefits. It’s neither complicated nor difficult, and my feelings are similarly neither complicated nor difficult.

The sexual revolution was quite a while ago now, OP...

Years ago I read a very good viral online analysis of this question. I expect if you have time to google it and explore you can find it. It was illustrated with line drawings and was on a website of its own not Reddit.

It went back to the middle ages/history and outlined it in terms of scareness and commodities. This is very paraphrased but gist of it was that in the past because of lack of DNA testing etc, it was important for men to know their child was actually their genetic child. So the world evolved to make sex outside marriage a terrible thing, women who had affairs were the devil Scarlet woman. Morality and social ostracisation meant that your wife only had sex with you and you could guarantee as close as possible your son was your son. In this world sex was a rare commodity for men, difficult to come by and prized. Women were guarding it. For the average man, they had to get married to get regular sex or go to prositutes.

Invention of the pill, contraception and DNA testing meant that women started to have sex more freely. If some women are doing this, then this affects all women because the value of the commodity goes down. It's easy to find for everyone so no one values it any more. A woman who won't sleep with a man on a first date is no long A Virgin To Be Prized To Seek The Hand In Marriage Of. She is an inconvenience to a man looking for sex so he will go elsewhere. Because women know this, in turn it means they become more willing to have sex -even if they wouldn't naturally be inclined to at that point.

This was the theory. Basically about market forces, scarcity and value. Flood the market, goods devalue. Not my theory but interesting I think.

Absolutely. I had a FWB for a few months when I was young. We hung out and did stuff other than having sex. Neither of us was looking for a relationship and even if we had been we both understood that our lives were completely incompatible. But he was a lovely guy, good company, smoking hot, and I have very fond memories of the time we spent together. More so than I do of several relationships I've been in.

Honestly the best sex I ever had was a one nighter with a coach driver when I worked in Spain!

He was a bit older and clearly knew what he was doing. The tension had built up all day sitting next to each other on a coach in the sunshine, doing my airport transfers, and by the time we finished the last one at midnight it was just an unspoken understanding that he was coming in when he dropped me home.

In my 50s I’ve also had some fun no strings sex, but its a very different feeling to the connected vulnerable and deeply loving sex I have with my DP. After 2.5 years we’re still exploring and learning what each other enjoys, he knows how long and how slowly to do things to maximise my pleasure, so of course that’s different from someone doing the physical moves to bring me to a quick orgasm. Both can be fun. Its like sometimes wanting a McDonald’s instead of a slow cooked stew!

Can only speak for myself, but I've had physical pleasure from 90% of the casual encounters I've had. Can't say the same for the men though - they get way too in their heads about performance. And my current partner wasn't able to finish until we became official - he needed a love connection first.

Once upon a time, if a couple went to a restaurant, the man had a menu with prices, and the woman's menu just listed the food options, with no mention of money. It was taken for granted the man would pay (before there was equal pay etc,) but women were often expected to pay by having sex later. There are still men who think this way, that if you have a meal together and they insist on paying, that you're obligated to have sex with them. I imagine life is very disappointing for them.

One night stands can be great fun, because it is only about the sex. FWBs can be great fun, because of the F bit and B bit, but without having to deal with their inability to clean the kitchen or whatever. Sex in a relationship can also be excellent. Sex in any of these situations can also be crap- it depends on the people involved. I like sex early when dating someone, because I enjoy sex, and I don't want to get emotionally involved if they're crap in bed.

Some people need to get to know a person before they feel comfortable enough or have the desire to have sex with them.

Other people find they don't need that and that sex is less of an emotional connection and more physical.

Neither view is wrong.

It's always been this way but society prevented (women) from being able to do as they wish.

It's not gross
The fact you have to have an emotional connection and someone else doesn't just means you have different preferences

I think it's gross, you don't which is fine.

Because people have sex for different reasons. In the past I have not wanted a relationship of any sort but still enjoyed sex so FWB was a perfect solution. That does not mean that I never have an emotional connection with someone through sex or do not value it as part of a romantic relationship. It only has to mean as much as the two people involve want it to.

But you're not being judgemental at all are you OP 😒

Casual sex isn’t my thing at all and if I did engage in sex with a man I wasn’t romantically committed to there would at least have to be a friendship of sorts for some kind of emotional connection.

But what I don’t understand about your post is you positioning it as a new or modern thing when…it’s not new at all?

I’m an older millennial and I remember back at uni and high school many friends having one night stands or FWB.

And people I knew from the older generations were doing it too at the time, so it didn’t come with my generation. It may or not be more prevalent now than the 90s, but it has definitely been going on for a while now.

The reality is that it is “cheaper” if by which you mean it carries less social value to people in general. That is because there are people who regard it as special and others that consider it to be just a physical act. The number who think it is the former is now lower than it was in the past.

Those who attach little weight to it often are much less consistent when the topic turns to sex work or sexual assault. But that view has held the zeitgeist for decades now so young people are taught this is “normal” and many who would previously considered it special now grow up considering it not to be. If they genuinely feel that way there is probably less harm, but for those who will suffer a type of cognitive dissonance between this conscious belief and how they feel after sexual encounters they are the victims of it.

But then the old system had people who had no issues with casual sex and were being restricted by a social norm of “sex is special.” It just depends on what you think is the worse outcome.

But these are all things that are widely discussed, if you read books like the case against the sexual revolution by Louse Perry or some writing by even younger authors.

I've been married for 21 years and it feels like something you do in a loving relationship to me and I don't care what everyone else is doing.

Sex has always been bought and sold since humans thought of it.

It's not fine to call other people's sexual preferences gross

It's the difference between being demisexual or not

That's just a pointless label.

If you say so 🤷‍♀️

Could people please tell me why so many find it acceptable to jump into bed with a man on their first date these days,

Just jump into bed with a man?

What about people who find it acceptable to jump into bed with a woman on their first date?

Why should there be rules on this.