Why does sex seem to be just a commodity these days?

[PistachioTiramisu]

This is a subject which I genuinely find mystifying and it isn't criticism! Could people please tell me why so many find it acceptable to jump into bed with a man on their first date these days, or why sex seems to be so cheap now? From reading posts on here, It seems to me that it is considered quite OK to have a 'friend with benefits', Don't people want to get to know a prospective sexual partner and develop a relationship with them before indulging in sex any more? It all seems a bit sad and soulless to me!

What does this mean?

For some maybe. If you were middle class and in London during the swinging sixties. Free love didn’t really reach the suburbs and the provinces.

Thank you OP, I appreciate you were only asking.
Very much a individual view and neither is wrong.
I wouldn't be able to engage in intimate sexual activity with someone I didn't have strong emotional feelings for. I am sure that i will be considered prudish by some.
Each to what is right for them and no judgement

On a previous thread, started by the OP, she complained that women don't get priceless menus anymore. Amongst other things.

I think there is still a stigma about women having sex on the first date. Men (virtually) always want sex as soon as possible, but seem to want to feel that they are special and being selected by the woman, not that the woman would have sex with any attractive (to them) man immediately. Then they are surprised and even put off a bit if the woman is too eager. Still very much double standards out there.

That is an urban myth.

Unfair, judgemental post.
Posted by an educated individual who is not naive

I lost my virginity to someone I’d met 2 hours before. Zero regrets, we had an absolutely amazing night and to be honest it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done. It was purely about sex (albeit it was very loving, consensual, intimate), there was nothing else to it and we both knew we wouldn’t be keeping in touch.

My parents would die a death if they knew!, but I have no regrets at all. Admittedly I was older, I was 32, and it’s not something I’d say a younger adult should do. But at the age I was I’m very glad I did it.

I wouldn’t be able to have sex with someone I didn’t know, trust and like at least a little as a person if not romantically. That is me. Other people are different.

Mainly from a safety perspective I mean re a younger adult - I (did my homework) met him via an app and a friend and I googled all he told me to make sure he was a genuine person, I made sure he knew that someone knew where I was/his address etc. I don’t think I’d have thought to do any of that at 21!

It being just about sex for the sake of sex made it more fun I think, I didn’t feel worried about what I looked like or what we were doing because I knew I probably wouldn’t see him again - felt so much more relaxed and more able to have fun.

You seem to be the one commodifying it, OP - you’ve just described consensual sex between adults who are not in a serious relationship as ‘cheap’. Your implication is either that someone’s behaving ‘cheaply’, or that someone’s getting something on the cheap.

No strings sex can definitely be transactional, but if honesty is involved, no one’s vulnerable or getting hurt, and both parties are getting what they want out of it, then surely there’s no cost to be quantified? Not everyone wants every shag to be ‘til death us do part’, and not everyone feels that having one lifelong sexual partner is the ultimate ideal.

Whether you want to acknowledge it or not, this type of sex has always been around, it’s just a hell of a lot more visible now that women have agency over their own sex lives. In the past they were controlled by their fathers, their families, their economic status, and fear of pregnancy, abandonment and societal shame - plus the fact that having sex equated to a perceived devaluation of them as human beings.

You do realise that the only people advocating a return to that world are the likes of Andrew Tate, fundamentalist Christian MAGAs and the Taliban?

Yeah, right. Are you not very good with words, OP, that you seem to think 'cheap', 'sad' and 'soulless' are neutral terms?

I personally think people are living in some kind of puritanical, gendered Judaeo-Christian hangover if they don't see sex for what it is, an enjoyable physical activity which doesn't need to reserved for Special Relationships.

When I was dating, I almost always had sex as early as possible, because why would I want to date someone who was selfish or awful in bed, or who had incompatible kinks?

I've never thought of sex as 'cheap'.... I never paid for it and have never been paid for it... completely free.

Haha yes. Surely the OP is commodifying sex herself by using words like "cheap".

Good for you. 💯

It's always been a choice. I have had ONS in the past. I slept with my now husband on our first date (although we had been friends for a while). Other people I never slept with as we never connected enough.
Unless you feel pressured into it I don't see the problem.

Could people please tell me why so many find it acceptable to jump into bed with a man on their first date these days

I could equally ask why you think it's not? There's no inherent requirement to know or have a deep emotional attachement with someone before you have sex: i.e. it's physically possible regardless of how long you've known each other. So the choice to wait or not is purely based on a person's own individual wishes. Some people may not see the point in waiting.

Or why sex seems to be so cheap now?

What an interesting phrasing. What 'price' do you think should be paid? Should one or both people be 'earning' it? This is fascinating and I'd genuinely be interested to hear what you mean.

From reading posts on here, It seems to me that it is considered quite OK to have a 'friend with benefits'

Yeah. Some people like having sex but don't necessarily want a relationship. I've had FWBs where we got on great as people and had brilliant chemistry in bed but weren't in a position where we wanted anything more than that.

Don't people want to get to know a prospective sexual partner and develop a relationship with them before indulging in sex any more?

Again with the telling wording. 'Indulging' - it's not an indulgence to do something fun.

It all seems a bit sad and soulless to me!

If you find the idea of having orgasms sad and soulless I don't know how to help you! Sex to me is just an activity that feels good that I can do with my body, like going for a run or doing yoga. Sometimes it's as much about the emotional connection but sometimes it's just about having a good time: also, the power of good sexual chemistry is pretty strong in itself, it doesn't need to be romantic. I don't know why I would deny myself something I enjoy?

Because sometimes, a shag is just a shag. A bit of fun with someone you fancy. And, if you’re doing it right, it is fun.

I’m 58, throughout my life I have, depending on other circumstances and my needs and wants at that time, I have fluctuated between wanting something deeper and wanting frivolous fun, abd I don’t think I’m alone in that. I’ve had one night stands and I’ve had intense love and passion. I also don’t think this is new, I went to uni in the 80’s and bed hopping was very common. I’m nearing 60 and I have friends who are living their second youth and are having a fabulous time after years of being in committed relationships.

I am married, we split up 2.5 years ago and I didn’t want to bounce straight into another deep relationship but didn’t want to give up sex forever, so my next relationship would’ve been just for fun, as it happens DH and I are back together. At 58, I’m a long way off dead and still enjoy sex, in all its forms.

Because we don’t all want or need some deep and meaningful connections before having sex.

it’s a pleasurable activity that consenting adults choose to engage in. Why must it be something to be valued or restricted?

I’m not cheap, I’m free. I’m an adult woman who is quite picky about who I have sex with. I want to have sex with people who enjoy it, people who like me delight in the pure space of meeting another naked human and touching each other. Because there are literally millions of men and women who like sex as a form of physical connection, this means I have had a lot of sex. Such great days and nights, lovely memories.

I’m now with dp. I am monogamously faithful in relationships where that is the agreement between us. If dp was interested in changing that, or if one of us becomes unable to have physical sex, we might revisit that or we might not. I’m quite happy.

Relationships/marriage/kids are looking incredibly unappealing.

Every other day there’s a woman’s story with her terrible husband and the kids she’s responsible for now (including the video gaming, porn watching husband son)

hell, just walk down the street and there will no doubt be a man staring whilst next to his wife/new baby (these are the worst)

Theres no selling point anymore. Women have to be masculine and feminine to live and nobody wants a man baby. Not saying they are all that way, just the majority.

Do the people who think that sex is something fun you can do with your body, like going for a run, have open relationships? If sex doesn't necessarily have deeper meaning to you, would you want to have sex with random people while in a serious relationship? My impression is that sex is actually more of an emotional thing than we like to admit, and it tends to plunge most people into complicated and difficult feelings.

Not necessarily. I'm married and monogamous these days, for example, because that works for me and DH, but I think sex is a morally neutral, pleasant thing that doesn't necessarily involve any deeper feelings. When I was single, I had wonderful sex with people I didn't know well, or indeed much like, and bad sex with people I was genuinely fond of. In neither case did it plunge me into complicated and difficult feelings.

Yes, agree with this. If something changed in my and DH's monogamous relationship, I certainly wouldn't rule out one or both of us having sex with other people, if that was what we both agreed.