To feel mortified? What’s wrong with me?

[Diy322]

I’m still thinking about it so obviously not a small thing as it’s disrupting my sleep! i don’t like asking questions in work meetings and mostly stay quiet even if I urgently need to ask something. Yesterday I thought I need to make a change. I psyched myself out so much waiting for the right moment and I asked my question to be told not in words but in a look that I was interrupting something! The manager gave me such a look that everyone’s eyes were on me! I genuinely thought it was a good time to ask. I think I might be ADHD but I mask really well. Shall I just stay quiet from now on?

I did speak to the leader yesterday and politely said I have anxiety and was trying to get involved in the meeting but I feel she could have just politely said I’ll answer your question at the end or something rather than embarrass me in front of others. I don’t think she realises how much courage it took me to actually ask the question. I’m just going to stay quiet like I usually do and approach one to one rather than a meeting. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve had no sleep

I just feel everyone else asks questions all the time so I don’t see how I did any different. There was a pause do I thought good time to ask. Another person btw asked very similar question about 10 mins later and there didn’t seem to be an issue with this! He was a man btw. It just seems everyone seems to know when to interject etc.

Well done for speaking up. Don’t feel bad. What did the leader say and who spoke to you like that? If I witnessed such an exchange I would be thinking what an awful person to speak to someone like that for asking a question.
If someone asked a similar question it’s likely they thought this too and maybe reframed your question to show it was relevant?
It’s hard to say without context but responding like that is very poor.
Get angry. How dare someone speak to you like that? Why do you think it’s a ‘you’ problem and not a ‘them’ problem?

Oh, bless you. Well done for speaking AND for talking to the leader afterwards. what did she say when you explained you'd been anxious?

I'm assuming she wasn't speaking when you asked your question? I wonder if the look that shut you up really was as hostile as you thought. Isn't it possible she was just surprised you spoke up? This could also be why the others looked at you, or maybe your voice sounded strange as you were nervous.

When I started a new job at a big company that was more formal than I was used to, my very first day was at a conference. I didn't know any of the hundreds of people there, but thought I should ask at least one question. I'm not normally nervous, but my voice came out as if I was about to burst into tears! I heard this wobbly tremor bleating out my little question and there was nothing I could do about it. I felt like I could die of humiliation. I didn't die, though 😅 and neither will you. Live to speak another day!

it was actually 2 leaders there and 6 other staff including myself. I think I must have interrupted without realising. The main leader was just sat there so I decided to quietly ask her something but I didn’t realise the other leader was talking to someone. I still don’t understand how to work out social que! So I stay quiet. I didn’t think it was anything wrong as she was free. When I spoke to her she was acting like it’s all okay but I still feel really upset about it

Was this in person or on TEAMS as the 'hand up' function is good on TEAMS as they'll tell you when to ask your question then. Maybe practice on there first before face to face meetings.
I've never had a problem asking questions but can understand it is difficult for some. If I've ever asked at the wrong moment I just say 'apologies...I thought you'd finished ' and no one makes a deal out of it.

Nothing is wrong with you. Even the most confident, articulate and knowledgeable person will ask the "wrong" thing or ask it at the "wrong" time in a meeting occasionally. I've also seen some very high ups get meeting etiquette "wrong" sometimes.

I'm generally happy to speak up if I know the subject amd feel like I'll be listened to but I was embarrassed in a similar way to you at a meeting once. I can't remember the details but I do remember the look my boss gave me. I think in hindsight it was mainly shock that I'd spoken up, acknowledgement that she could see what I was trying to do and solidarity that everyone else ignored me. It did shut me up for the rest of the meeting and in meetings afterwards with the same people for a long time.

It will have been forgotten very quickly. Even if everyone thought you were being a bit daft, (unlikely) I bet if you asked them today they wouldnt remember. The fact someone asked the same thing a little later shows it was a valid question.

Have you ever asked for mentoring or coaching? Is there someone you trust who could help you in meeting etiquette and confidence? Meetings are a skill and can be quite scary for a lot of people and there is lots of support about to help with them.

Unhelpfully, meetings can also vary eg in formality. The main issue I see is with people interrupting. One thing you could do in future is look at whether other people are commenting during the meeting or waiting until the end. If you don't know you could also start with "am I OK to ask a question now, or shall I wait until the end?" or "I was wondering about the finance/resource/time of this. Will you cover that in a bit?". So that you are literally asking what the chair wants you to do. Or rambling (but Im guessing that isnt you didnt).

You could even quietly have a word with them beforehand.

Dont let this put you off. You challenged yourself which is great. Build on that.

ETA- it also sounds like the chair handled this poorly. If they didnt want you to comment at that time or on that point they could have said something like "good point, we'll look at that in a few minutes" or "I'll catch up with you about that afterwards". They certainly shouldnt be giving you a bad look.

It sounds as if you were hyper-focused on asking your question and weren't genuinely part of the conversation. The best questions come from a place of genuine interest and when you feel you have something to add, rather than just trying to make sure you're speaking up.

Your later post suggests that someone else in the room was speaking at the time you asked your question. That's definitely a bit rude. There's nothing worse in a meeting than when sidebar conversations break out.

Without knowing your company, there may be misogyny at play here but it's impossible to know. It may well be simply that the man asked the same question at a more appropriate time. On the plus side, the fact it was well-received shows that you had a good point to raise!

I definitely don't think you should just stay quiet. Getting involved is really positive, especially if it's something that you find difficult. But it just takes a bit of practice. Try not to overthink about how you'll ask questions or put pressure on yourself to say something if you're not feeling it. Start slow and speak up when you genuinely want to make a point, and build from there. Keeping the focus on the meeting rather than yourself will make it easier to work out if it's a good time to speak rather than getting caught up in how anxious you feel and inadvertently picking a bad time.

I really, really, really doubt anyone else is thinking about this though. Honestly.

Try and let this wash over you and don't let it stop you from trying again.

FWIW, I am autistic and have ADHD so I completely understand the overthinking, the mortification, and how bloody hard it is to work out what to do in group settings sometimes!!

Was the question relevant to the topic that was being discussed?
Were they all talking about important procedures and you asked when the Christmas party was type thing?

I typically think that in a meeting, only one person should talk at a time.
Your manager was speaking to someone and everyone would have also wanted to know what they were saying and so you should have waited until they had stopped talking to ask the question.

However, it’s not an issue.
We all interrupt sometimes or ask a silly question etc.

Some people are constantly asking questions every meeting about silly things and they are the annoying ones - not you that asked one little question.

Well done you for pushing yourself out of your comfort zone.

I can guarantee that every single person in that room has accidentally interrupted or asked a silly question in a meeting and felt embarrassed but you won’t remember or even recognise it because it’s not a big deal to anyone else.

It is our annoying brains that overthink and replay things but literally no one else cares.

Actually that's a good point about concentrating on asking the question instead of the meeting.

OP, have you ever been in a conversation where the other person was clearly not listening and just waiting to speak? For instance if you were talking and pause to take a breath and they jump straight in with their thoughts? Might you have been so busy waiting for that pause so you could speak that it seemed like you were interrupting? Was it at a natural stopping point eg between slides or topics?

I really wouldnt worry about it, no one else will have given it a second thought.

Is it possible it’s not what you said but how?

I have a colleague who really doesn’t like speaking up in a group, when he does occasionally interject it often comes across very aggressively because it’s usually something that he feels strongly about and he’s been working up to speaking out and it kind of explodes out.

I would use this as an extremely useful exercise in getting more comfortable in feeling uncomfortable. Next time there’s a meeting, ask another question.
You’re stewing on this right now because it was such an atypical thing for you to do and it didn’t go the way you hoped it would. But that is ok. It doesn’t really matter does it. No one else cares, really they don’t.

I've spent years asking 'what's wrong with me' about things like this.

Turns out it is indeed ADHD in my case. The fact that you are still ruminating on it is a pointer.

Find one of the online quizzes and see what that says then see your GP for a referral if you think it's worth pursuing

OP, it’s not you - we’ve all done this.

The difference is what you do now:

• how much time you spend ruminating on it and
• whether it affects what you do in the future.

My advice is not to give it any more air time in your brain. Starve it of oxygen. Overthinking is really bad as it will stop yoy doing things in the future - this is how anxiety works.

You also might want to stop saying you ‘have’ anxiety. It’s not an illness or condition, it’s a habit you’ve got into. Totally solvable by changing your thought processes!

As a kid growing up, I remember finding it so hard to learn when was an acceptable moment to speak if you were "cutting in" to a conversation. I remember so many adults snapping at me not to interrupt, but in my perception I hadn't been! I don't think they can all have been wrong but I simply could not tell what a suitable lull was. Either I eventually did learn or now I'm an adult, nobody says anything!

I think a lot of people find it hard and everyone will have made a gaff like that sometimes. They should have handled it better. Try not to dwell on it, hard as that sounds. We have all done it and if you barely ever speak up, you certainly won't have a reputation for doing it!

It feels like you were so focused on asking the question, you didn’t realise someone else was talking. This doesn’t mean the people listening are then free to have side conversations in a meeting which is how you interepreted it, if someone is talking in a meeting assume everyone else;s job is to listen, and ask the question when there is a pause, a pause is is no one is talking. Thay would be the easiest rule for you to follow if you’re unsure.

i am not sure the person you asked did something wrong, they weren’t to know about your anxiety at that point, and as someone else was talking, and answering a question, then they likely did the right thing in not answering at that point, as a side conversation would have been inapproriate. The look to say not now is a polite way to do that.

have you spoken to anyone ie your gp about your anxiety, as it is hard to tell if this is something other than anxiety, and it clearly is in part anxiety related if you’ve spent all night thinking of such a minor event, I understand it wasn’t minor to you, but it would not have been signficant to others.

id really not fret about it any more, speaking up is good, just wait for a pause when no one is speaking, you interject yourself, don’t try to have side conversations in meetings, no one is effectively free in a meeting,

That leader sounds an absolute dick tbf, completely unprofessional to just give someone a look instead of either answering a question or saying we need to come back to it later.
they need to grow up. I wouldn’t worry about it anymore,
if they do it again then I’d complain about their rudeness.
Youre a team. Some people think a job title is the most important thing about them.

Did you raise your hand? That's how it would usually go and then the leader will either take your question or tell you to hold that thought and they'll take questions later.

It happens all the time - try not to over-think it.

You do realise not all meetings take place on Teams? Grown adults don’t raise their hand in real life it’s not primary school

Are you a natural introvert possibly with anxiety issues? It may have taken you a lot more courage to ask and also that you high focussed on the moment, which has made you feel even more anxious? Perhaps other people are not so perceptive and just plough their way through. Could you in future, make a note of the question and then either send an email or try to ask someone else. That will show that you are taking an interest and it will also allay your anxieties.

The leader sounds like an arse. These things do happen and you just have to build up some resilience to the awkwardness that ensues from getting it "wrong" (in your perception) and just keep practising and involving yourself.

My husband struggles to be able to find a moment to speak in groups and in meetings, and if anything awkward happens or if he interrupts because someone suddenly chatted etc then he analyses the moment for ages, and worries about it. He came home from the shop the other day and told me he thinks he went in front of someone accidentally but that he'd been called forward and he didn't see anyone but maybe the women at the post office queue wanted the shop queue etc etc as she gave him a look. I said have you been thinking about that all the walk home? He had.

I think it's a trait some people have but it's definitely a social skill that can be worked on, but the first step is to just to try as best you can to wash it off when it happens and don't let it spiral. The leader was an arse but you cant protect against all rude people, just how you brush it off.

Was it that your question was too similar to the one that had already been asked and therefore they didn't think you had listened fully to the answer? (Which as you were so focused on your question maybe you didn't).

I agree with others that maybe because you desperately wanted to get involved on this occasion you may have been overthinking the question and not fully engaging in listening, meaning the pause you felt was a good time to ask was actually mid sentence.

Also to the person who said about grown ups not putting up hands - I will do this in a work meeting so whoever is doing the meeting knows I want to ask something but don't want to speak out at the wrong time (though I do work in a primary school!).

You needed to know something, you asked. It's all good. I'm forever putting my foot in it. You just have to stop caring. Ask yourself, is there anything I can do about this now? No. So let it go and move on. Nobody else will have noticed.

Please google “rejection sensitive dysphoria”

it’s an ADHD thing.