To feel mortified? What’s wrong with me?

[Diy322]

I’m still thinking about it so obviously not a small thing as it’s disrupting my sleep! i don’t like asking questions in work meetings and mostly stay quiet even if I urgently need to ask something. Yesterday I thought I need to make a change. I psyched myself out so much waiting for the right moment and I asked my question to be told not in words but in a look that I was interrupting something! The manager gave me such a look that everyone’s eyes were on me! I genuinely thought it was a good time to ask. I think I might be ADHD but I mask really well. Shall I just stay quiet from now on?

I did speak to the leader yesterday and politely said I have anxiety and was trying to get involved in the meeting but I feel she could have just politely said I’ll answer your question at the end or something rather than embarrass me in front of others. I don’t think she realises how much courage it took me to actually ask the question. I’m just going to stay quiet like I usually do and approach one to one rather than a meeting. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve had no sleep

Everyone feels this way sometimes. Well done for speaking up and being brave. Next time you could ask more around what the speaker is saying to show you’re really listening. Also to ensure the question is relevant and keeps the flow. Have a look online /You Tube for examples of this. High five to you! 🙌🏻 Those grumpy buggers in the meeting need to learn to be kinder. Keep speaking up. What you think and feel is important. Your voice matters. Xx 😘

This is so something that would happen to me and then the ruminating afterwards. Definitely look into ADHD and RSD as mentioned above.

I used to be like this, but then I realised that everyone is self-obsessed and no-one else cares what I'm doing anywhere near as much as I do.

I guarantee everyone in that meeting has forgotten your interruption. It is a non-event, and if you watch in the next meeting, you'll probably see something similar happen to at least one other person.

Whilst I wouldn't raise my hand in an IRL meeting, it's perfectly normal to 'raise a finger' and catch the eye of the chair if you want to make a point but don't want to just jump in.

This kind of thing happens to me quite a bit. One thing I’ve started doing, is focusing on other people. Look at how many times other interrupt or say something you wouldn’t. I think when we have issues socially, we focus on ourselves too much. When you start observing others, you realise that people are doing what you’re doing but with confidence.

Could you specially ask the managers to add pauses for questions (and announce it as such). I write down my questions as presentations are going along to ask during the pause.

i also spiral over conversations. This won’t sound kind, but it really helped me so I’ll tell you. A friend kindly pointed out that I’m not the centre of the world and actually it’s quite narcissistic to think that people think about me and what I’ve done wrong all the time. Putting it like that made me realise how out of proportion I had blown up my social mishaps.

Well done for doing something outside your comfort zone. I will say however, that your perception of being given a withering look at everyone staring might be skewed by your anxiety:

• It might have been the wrong time to intervene eg you say that a leader was talking to someone else so it’s possible you were cutting across.
• It might be that it was a point of detail and the conversation was more strategic as you say you were focused on asking the question so less likely to be in the flow of conversation.
• It might be that you aren’t used to people looking at you so you misread your colleagues.
• Or it might be colleagues were irritated by you and want to make you feel small.

I wouldn’t be angry or make assumptions about their motives as most people aren’t your enemies and thinking they are will make you feel more isolated which is never good. You’re definitely thinking more about this than anyone else.

But you should continue to have a go. You can tell your manager or a friend who will be in the meeting that you are trying something new and feel nervous about it as you might feel supported and they might be able to actively help you get involved eg. Saying “DIY was asking about point x the other day, DIY does this answer your query or did you have a different idea”. You can also think about gaining confidence in smaller meetings, using the “hands” function in on line meetings if you have any, to help do this more naturally in a trickier setting.

Good Luck!

With kindness OP you are overthinking this.

Most people do this all the time, the only thing specific to you is the amount of time and headspace you are giving it.

I interrupt people multiple times a day at work and I literally don’t give it a second thought. I used to when I was younger and over time I learned that the only way to have authority in a situation is to take it: no one is going to give it to you.

The point about social cues is interesting: you may find them hard but they aren’t as clear cut as you think. Sometimes it isn’t clear where the natural break comes in the conversation and you just have to try your luck. If someone talks over you or shushes you they are equally just trying their luck. They don’t have anything special that you don’t!

I could have written this post, it took me back to my 11 year old self 55 odd years ago in the classroom. I didn't get better till I had kids and had to speak up for them. What I actually want to tell you is you are 100% re-living it differently to how it happened due to anxiety. If there was any look of surprise, I can guarantee its because you don't usually speak up and not because of what and when you said it. Maybe you didn't speak up loud enough and it took a moment to register what was said. Please don't let you put you off. If there's going to be a meeting, at the start ask if questions are best asked at the end or as they arise. Have a notebook and pen, and write your question down so you don't trip over words and if it's ask questions as they arise, raise your pen, it feels better than putting your hand up.

You’ve not done anything wrong and it’s unlikely anyone will still be thinking about it. You could ask for a reasonable adjustment for your manager to bring you in to meetings if you’re not sure when to interject and it would be less stressful for you,

Hey OP, huge sympathies, I do stuff like this constantly. One tip that helps me- I try to speak as early on in the meeting as I can- even if it’s about something as dull as the weather. Makes it a lot easier to speak a second time if something comes up that I need to comment on.

Edit to say- by “doing stuff like this”, I meant overthinking and stressing about social interactions- not that you did anything wrong.

It just sounds like you weren’t paying attention to the conversation. Anxiety doesn’t mean you didn’t do anything wrong, it’s not a safety blanket from criticism.

What you could have done is type your question into teams or raised it in a way that felt comfortable to you, perhaps after the meeting 1 to 1? Instead you spent so much time psyching yourself up and being anxious that you didn’t realise that one of the leaders was still responding to someone else’s question, cause you were so focused on your own headspace and not focused on the flow of the meeting. You basically distracted yourself by focusing on the wrong thing.

I think you might just need to build your confidence up slowly, and take smaller steps instead of jumping straight to asking questions, because it sounds like you were overly anxious in the moment and so you couldn’t focus properly. In fact, I doubt the look given to you was meant to cause you so much anguish and perhaps you’re overthinking it. It could have been a look of confusion as opposed to disgust, and I bet you’re the only one thinking about it now.

With respect, anxiety as a condition does exist and it's not as easy as just saying change your thought processes.

All good advice here.

If you’re not used to asking questions and speaking up often, then yes it’s completely normal to feel mortified :)

Your instincts to give it a try are spot on though, well done!

The more you practice, the less weird it will feel.

it doesn’t actually matter too much what the question is. Just speaking up is the important bit. Even saying something mundane like ‘it’s lovely weather here today’ at the top of the meeting is a great start. Get everyone (including you) used to hearing your voice.

I’m proud of you for trying! Keep it up! We believe in you!

Just wanted to say @SpidersAreShitheads that this is a really supportive and insightful response.

You haven't done anything wrong at all and please dont feel you need to be quiet. Your manager and the others might have been surprised to hear you speak if you usually don't or else they are just arseholes..some people in meetings just want to talk and hear their own voice rather than resolve things. Anyway my point is you should never be scared to ask questions, voice your opinions or just contribute to a discussion. In my company we actually receive training on how to create an environment that makes it easy for people to speak up.

Speak up more often. They will get used to it and eventually they will respect you for it.

the more you speak up, the easier it will be. There may have been an element of surprise that you were talking, in the chilling response you received, as you usually don’t. So consider that one in the bank and carry on racking up “instances of talking”.

when you say someone was talking to someone else: it may have appeared like a side conversation but perhaps the content was useful enough that it really should have been happening more loudly and for the whole room to hear / get involved in. In whoch case your interjection distracted anyone who was as trying to hear. That should have been made clearer by the chair / leader of the meeting, who should have drawn that out for the whole room to hear.

when talking in a meeting, be bold and dont do side bar conversations. It’s either worth saying in context to everyone or something to address to an individual later. If you’re tempted to button hole an individual in a meeting, dont - decide whether it’s worth saying loudly and generally and if so, be confident. Connect it to the meeting as a whole and say why you are suing it now. “While we are talking about X, can we remember how that also impacts y so we need a guideline on…” is a way to ask a question that doesnt feel out of the blue. If you them get a response that wrong foots you, say something like “sorry if that wasn’t the moment / I interrupted/ whatever” - but your question was legit and still stands even if you are slightly apologizing for not being quite sure yet when to speak in the meeting.

OP I have had similar all my life. I have experiences of being in a group chat where it seems that I have judged the level, but others still are a bit like, what? at something I've said. Its partly oversensitivity and hypervigilance on my part - I have a friend who has loads of friends and she says mildly offensive stuff all the time and seems oblivious, she literally never worries about it.
I remember once walking back from school drop off, and we passed a mum that I knew but she didn't going into her house that had a for sale sign up. We were saying hi when my friend, with no preamble, asked her, 'Why are you selling?' Mortifying! Could have been financial issues, marriage breakdown, ie not necessarily something she was happy about! My friend was oblivious to the temperature drop and the vague answer she got!
On the other hand, there do seem to be people who just can get away with saying stuff that others can't. 🤔

I'm sorry that you were made to feel like so awkward, a manager should be aware of a staff members personality.
Don't let this put you off trying.
Practice in the mirror at home, sounds silly but it really helps you see that you are a normal person asking a question.
A good manager would recognise your reluctance and encourage you to feel more confident.
A killer look is unacceptable in the workplace for asking a question, your manager was rude.
Just to add, confidence comes easier as we get older. We care less what others think.

Even if you did speak at the wrong time it’s something that everyone does from time to time. Everyone else will have forgotten about it. It good that you spoke to the leader afterwards.

Even if you did speak at the wrong time it’s something that everyone does from time to time. Everyone else will have forgotten about it. It good that you spoke to the leader afterwards.

Even if you did speak at the wrong time it’s something that everyone does from time to time. Everyone else will have forgotten about it. It good that you spoke to the leader afterwards.

Even if you did speak at the wrong time it’s something that everyone does from time to time. Everyone else will have forgotten about it. It good that you spoke to the leader afterwards.

I've never been able to join in group conversations either and I'm autistic/adhd.

I don't work but if I was in your situation I would just accept my limitations and explain them to my manager. Surely that's one of the purposes of being diagnosed? If I desperately needed to ask something I'd probably stick my finger in the air first but maybe that's weird(?).

Trouble is, you're focusing so much on when you're going to speak that you're probably not listening properly to what's being said and you're coming across as awkward. However, no-one should be making you feel uncomfortable and it's very poor etiquette to do so. Don't beat yourself up about it...a meeting isn't a very natural situation is it? Humans haven't evolved for thousands of years to know what to do in a meeting :)