To feel mortified? What’s wrong with me?

[Diy322]

I’m still thinking about it so obviously not a small thing as it’s disrupting my sleep! i don’t like asking questions in work meetings and mostly stay quiet even if I urgently need to ask something. Yesterday I thought I need to make a change. I psyched myself out so much waiting for the right moment and I asked my question to be told not in words but in a look that I was interrupting something! The manager gave me such a look that everyone’s eyes were on me! I genuinely thought it was a good time to ask. I think I might be ADHD but I mask really well. Shall I just stay quiet from now on?

I did speak to the leader yesterday and politely said I have anxiety and was trying to get involved in the meeting but I feel she could have just politely said I’ll answer your question at the end or something rather than embarrass me in front of others. I don’t think she realises how much courage it took me to actually ask the question. I’m just going to stay quiet like I usually do and approach one to one rather than a meeting. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve had no sleep

Please don't be discouraged! You were fully entitled to ask your question, and if you had asked it at an inopportune moment, the meeting leader should have thanked you for raising the issue and assured you it would be addressed during the meeting. You're not alone in feeling this way though and I'm in my 50s, but still raise my hand in meetings because I don't want to be accused of rudeness!

You know, I said mortifying, but that's an overreaction and me being a hypersensitive introvert! I told my husband what my friend had said, and we laughed like, what is she like? But people like her as do we, she knows everything that's going on in our village and knows everyone!

That’s horrible. This manager is going to take your confidence away.

It sounds like she has pigeon holed you as a worker bee who doesn’t question anything.

Well done for speaking to her about it, how did she respond?

And don’t worry about the silence from everyone else, people can be sheep. I ask questions to support people giving presentations and people stare like they can’t understand why anyone would put themselves forward.

The funny thing is the meeting was for how to help a student with ADHD and Autism! It was in person not on teams. I feel a little better this morning but I didn’t sleep at all last night. I feel exhausted today. I just find certain people in my workplace quite difficult. Ironically it’s the people who should be the most caring and understand I feel this from!

Sorry I was a bit vague with the work setting as I was trying not to give too much away.

It doesn’t sound like anything is wrong with you at all, don’t worry. You asked a question and the manager was rude. I don’t think that means you have ADHD.

I don’t like to ask questions in big meetings either so can understand how you probably built yourself up to ask it and how embarrassing it was when she shut you down like that. I don’t think it means anything is wrong with you at all please don’t worry

I do have very little confidence tbh. When I’m in the classroom with the children I feel alive and feel great but in meetings my ADHD comes out and I feel like crap! I love my job and the kids really seem to like me. I wish I could change myself! I teach Art and Design btw.

“Jade3450 · Today 07:13

OP, it’s not you - we’ve all done this.
The difference is what you do now:
how much time you spend ruminating on it and
whether it affects what you do in the future.
My advice is not to give it any more air time in your brain. Starve it of oxygen. Overthinking is really bad as it will stop yoy doing things in the future - this is how anxiety works.
You also might want to stop saying you ‘have’ anxiety. It’s not an illness or condition, it’s a habit you’ve got into. Totally solvable by changing your thought processes!”

This with bells on. And I’m completely with @Jade3450 on the “having anxiety” point. I’ve been really troubled by how the common feeling of anxiousness has been pathologised and made into a sonething to hide behind. And i speak as a person who tends towards feeling anxious

It’s good to move beyond our comfort zones. We often feel anxious in doing so. And that’s fine - the more we stretch ourselves, the more comfortable we get.

No advice but completely relate to everything you’ve written!

@3pears There absolutely isn’t anything wrong with feeling embarrassed in this instance no, but I think the ruminating over a situation like this is definitely worth exploring and why I mentioned ADHD/RSD.

I did speak to the leader yesterday and politely said I have anxiety and was trying to get involved in the meeting but I feel she could have just politely said I’ll answer your question at the end or something rather than embarrass me in front of others.

What did she say in reply to this?

Always put yourself in the opposite position when you're holding onto an embarrassing thought. If someone else asked a question that was brushed off, would you think they were silly? The answer is most likely No.
You wouldn't give it another thought.

See, I just don’t see this perfect behaviour playing out much, if someone cuts across someone else speaking, which is what the op did, she decided as one leader was answering someone else’s question, it left the other leader free to answer hers, this was not correct. It’s one meeting and side conversations are usually not ok. I don’t feel the leader did anything wrong by just giving a look to close it down and not further interrupting the other person speaking.

the op suffers a lot of anxiety, so the look likely would be interpreted differently by onlookers. The leader herself said there was no issue after, if there was it is likely she’d have told her. The op also basically told her she had anxiety so in effect wished to be given preference when she did work up the courage to ask something, that’s very difficult in an active meeting as the op is the prime focus of the meeting to her, but she is not to anyone else. Although I’m sure when it comes to it they will try to support her.

the op needs to seek help for her anxiety and simply follow the one golden rule. If someone else is talking in a meeting, you do not attempt to have side bar conversations. No one else is free simply as someone is getting their question answered. She needs to wait for the person to conclude then ask, but also actively listen to what’s being said, as it appears her anxiety meant she was basically consumed with when she could speak.

No, it’s a habit of thinking that can then cause physical symptoms. Not saying it doesn’t exist, just saying it’s not helpful to medicalise it as something you ‘have’.

I think the problem is that we’ve been told that our mental health is the same as our physical health when it’s not - the brain is an algorithm and it will give you more of what you feed it.

So anxiety isn’t a condition you ‘have’, but a pattern of thinking and reaction you get yourself into. Not anyone’s fault, just a downward spiral that’s hard to get out of. People with autism and ADHD often tend towards high levels of anxiety, largely because of fear of ‘getting it wrong’.

Just because you have autism and/or ADHD, however, doesn’t mean that the same treatments can’t and won’t work. It’s not easy, but telling herself and other people she ‘has’ anxiety certainly won’t help the OP.

Please do tell me what your source for this ill informed opinion is.
The brain is an 'algorithm'????

What she said is "the brain is an algorithm and it will give you more of what you feed it." This is true - and, since social media algorithms (and LLMs) do just that, a fair enough comment.

Philosophers from Buddha onwards have taught that "The mind is everything. What you think you become."

It is miles better to think you can become an active participant in meetings, then to start by identifying your stumbling blocks - "Improve my understanding of social cues and meeting protocols" - than to think "I have anxiety so cannot participate".

Imagine if we taught young children they "have illiteracy" so cannot read!

Thank you.

Neuroscience absolutely backs up what I say.