Is my son taking advantage

[Crazyteacher1]

So I’ve brought up my son on my own since i kicked his dad out when he was 11 cos frankly he couldn’t keep his pants on. I worked bloody hard and got promotions to support us. My son went to uni and I transferred him hundreds of pounds per month so that he could concentrate on his degree and not worry about having a part time job. He didn’t. He failed several exams and got a 2.2… so he moved back in with me after uni. He’s laboring … grades not good enough for his chosen career. He reluctantly gives me £200 a month which is not even enough to pay for utilities and council tax. I buy all the food, beers, takeaways… I’ve had enough! Have I totally spoiled him. I can’t afford to keep bankrolling him!

Yes he is. Why are you buying beers and take aways? STOP NOW. Buy the basic food. Anything else he wants he pays for.

Tell him exactly that - you can't afford it. He'd not be able to get anywhere out in the 'real world' on £200 a month so he should contribute more at home. Maybe it will help him think more for his future and work towards something he will enjoy and earn more doing. And yeah, while nice at uni giving him money, perhaps he'd have learned the value of a part time job while studying.

When I lived at home with my parents at that age and worked, a third of my wage went to them. They thought it was like the old days, third on house, third in savings and third for everything else.

Tell him that his free ride is over and remind him that the £200 a month is not going into your bank account to pay for nights out and getting your nails done. Tell him that he’s a grown adult who is poncing off his mum and he should be embarrassed. He needs to pay his fair share or move out and pay for himself.

Do not buy a single beer, takeaway, not so much as a bag of crisps for him.

Yes, this is lunacy. He's a working adult. Stop financing him, make him pay a proper rent and give him 6 months to find his own place.

Yip same. I had to pay 1/3rd.

He's taking his advantage because you are letting him!
Another spoilt man boy. 🙄

He's taking you for a mug because you are letting him.

He will still be living with you when he's 40, paying £200 a month while you buy him beer and take aways. He should have plenty of savings by now, kick him out.

Oh dear sounds like this all started when you had to be mum and dad. Time now to encourage him to pay a third of his salary for room and bills of that's enough? Or he pays half the bills and for his half of food and a bit or his room. Don't be soft on him. Firm boundaries.

Yes he is.

My DS is 23 and does work, he contributes to the household expenses and is happy to contribute to family holidays (he is ASD and would be most offended if we went without him).

Since he was a young teenager I had a list of the monthly expenses pinned to the fridge door so he could see what we routinely spent. And everytime he asked for something a bit more costly I would invariably say "yes, but it will have to wait till I get paid again, I don't have enough in my account at the moment" - even if I could have bought there and then, I often made him wait a week or two.

He understands the value of stuff because he was taught to.

It's never too late for you to have a blunt conversation about household expenses what you are willing to pay for and what you are not.

Yes he is taking advantage because you allow him to. He has a university degree and although he can't get into the career he wants, that doesn't prevent him from doing anything and contributing a fair wage to the household. I wouldn't be buying takeaways or beer, these are luxuries and if he can't afford these then he does without. He needs a reality check of how much things cost - rent, heating, internet, water, council tax TV and food. I am guessing he is provided with all of these things and you cook him dinner. Maybe look at the cost of rented rooms in your area to show him he is onto a good deal and that it isn't sustainable for you to subsidise him long term.

You obviously just stop buying beers and takeaways for him - they’re luxury items to be bought from whatever “spends” he has left over.

General food - you can agree to include this in the board he pays if you want but it should be more than £200 a month in that case!

A 2:2 is still a decent degree. Even if the dream job is off the table there’s absolutely no reason why he can’t get a proper full time job and pay for his own beer.

Stop buying him beer and takeaways. It's fine that he gives you £200 a month if he can't afford more, but that shouldn't include food, toiletries, cleaning products, booze, vapes or fags.
It should solely be for bills and the room he occupies.

I hope you can encourage him to take on more hours at work. You say he's labouring. Does he want to get into a trade? That could be a decent career and construction is a sector with a great need for staff. If he is entitled to UC he should also be claiming that.

A 2:2 is decent enough. It's still a degree and he should be proud he stuck it out for three years and passed.

I hope he finds his feet and becomes at least a moderate success.

Rented rooms round here are 750 a month. Unfortunately he’s got the same disrespect for me as his dad did

2:2 is ok. Surely there's middle ground between labouring and his chosen career

Time to stop.
No more beers, no more takeaways. If he asks why, you tell him the truth. His £200 barely touches the sides and you can't afford to fund him. If he doesn't like it , he knows where the door is.

As others have said he's is taking the piss. I had to do 1/3 1/3 1/3, when at home. As @Createausername1970, has suggested post household expenditure on the fridge. I find that lots of people are reticent about discussing money with kids. Mine always said these are the bills, this is our income. We need to save x for emergencies. This is what we have left to cover everything else. Did give me a really good start to doing my own budget when I first moved out. It's not too late to lay down the rules & if he doesn't like it, then he's free to go elsewhere. Tough love is required. I understand why you spoilt him, but he has to now grow up. Also add a cleaning rota to the fridge as I expect he doesn't do that either.

I think you're being hard on him. Hes got a labouring job and he got a decent degree. He's not a layabout poncing off his mum. I would be proud of his work ethic. Not his fault that you subbed him at uni and that you buy endless takeaways and beers. Those are your mistakes. From now on you just need to be open with him about your monthly outgoings and what he needs to contribute. Print out a spreadsheet. He probably does not realise.

Well if he doesn’t respect you, he doesn't need your continued financial support, does he.

Time for him to grow up and start paying his way/making longterm plans.

If he doesn't even respect you then it's time for him to leave and find his own way. You've done everything you could, sometimes it's time to stop.

You need to let him know his share of the utility bills, and tell him he needs to do his own shopping from now on, too.

It's not always that young people are "taking advantage" as such. It's just that they're used to the thought that home = free, and he's never had the experience of living alone outside of a university setting which just isn't the same thing. He may not even realise how much money you spend! You don't know until you're told, or until you're forced to grow up.

A conversation to get you both on the same page is all it takes :).

As @TheatricalLifesaid, if he doesn’t like it, he knows where the door is.
to put it in perspective, OP, your son is paying the same as I did 35 years ago when I was a teenager earning approx £8k pa. I’m fairly sure food and utilities have gone up in the last 35 years.

Beers and takeaways lol, since when where they a necessity.

Same for me. I was working full time at 16 and paying more than that (I'm now 44) on top of paying my own travel costs and lunches and contributing to food. £200 is a pittance to contribute from a full time wage in 2025. I wouldn't be so sure about him being naive about bills and costs either. More likely he knows he is onto a good thing!
Aside from that, there is no shame in doing a labouring job. Better working than sat on his arse. Hopefully he will find something he really wants to do eventually.

this is one of the cases where unfortunately you have to make him homeless