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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my son taking advantage

57 replies

Crazyteacher1 · 21/09/2025 20:06

So I’ve brought up my son on my own since i kicked his dad out when he was 11 cos frankly he couldn’t keep his pants on. I worked bloody hard and got promotions to support us. My son went to uni and I transferred him hundreds of pounds per month so that he could concentrate on his degree and not worry about having a part time job. He didn’t. He failed several exams and got a 2.2… so he moved back in with me after uni. He’s laboring … grades not good enough for his chosen career. He reluctantly gives me £200 a month which is not even enough to pay for utilities and council tax. I buy all the food, beers, takeaways… I’ve had enough! Have I totally spoiled him. I can’t afford to keep bankrolling him!

OP posts:
Abominableday · 22/09/2025 13:27

Crazyteacher1 · 21/09/2025 20:50

Rented rooms round here are 750 a month. Unfortunately he’s got the same disrespect for me as his dad did

He's not your ex. It's unfair to view him in that light.
He's taking the piss financially - sit down with him (not in anger) and go through your household expenses and how things aren't working.
You talk about him as a failure - he has a degree! He might have to alter his plans but his time at uni hasn't been a waste, he can have a good future.

SilverCamellia · 22/09/2025 13:32

I know lot of people who got a 2:2 and have a good job.

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 22/09/2025 13:32

Why are you buying him beers and takeaways when you can't afford it?

Put his rent up to 350, he's still much better off.

WilfredsPies · 22/09/2025 14:46

Tigerhoods · 21/09/2025 20:57

I think you're being hard on him. Hes got a labouring job and he got a decent degree. He's not a layabout poncing off his mum. I would be proud of his work ethic. Not his fault that you subbed him at uni and that you buy endless takeaways and beers. Those are your mistakes. From now on you just need to be open with him about your monthly outgoings and what he needs to contribute. Print out a spreadsheet. He probably does not realise.

😂 Give over, of course he’s poncing off his mum; he’s 23, not 13. You can’t credit him with being an intelligent and hardworking young bloke, but then imply he’s too daft to realise that things cost money.

And what work ethic? If he’d had a work ethic, he’d have been studying at uni when all of his mates were having to work. He’s got a job. One single job. It might be a physically demanding job, but it’s the most basic thing expected from an average, healthy 23 year old. A work ethic would be bar work or private jobs at the weekends on top of his one, single job.

If he’s clever enough to get a labouring job and a decent degree, he’s clever enough to understand that houses aren’t handed out free, utility companies need paying every time you switch the lights on and that you have to pay the supermarket if you want them to bring a delivery of food to your house. He’s also going to have observed just how many of his student mates did have to get a job to support themselves at uni, whereas his mum came to the rescue and made his life easier. And I’m pretty sure that if he’s working with anyone the same age who is still at home, they’ll have compared rent & keep payments and he’ll be aware he’s paying less. And if, as the OP has confirmed, he’s regularly treating himself to pizzas and taxis, he’s going to know how much those things cost and that £200 a month doesn’t buy much of either. He fundamentally knows she’s supporting him. And he’s letting her continue. What’s that if it’s not poncing? And don’t try and blame the OP. She’s done everything she could possibly do to give him a really good chance in life. And he’s wasted it.

Star458 · 22/09/2025 15:38

My husband got a 3rd and has a decent job in business. Once he's got his first skilled job no one will care after that. A 2.2 is fine. Even some grad schemes will accept someone with a 2.2.

The problem IMO is that you need more than just a degree to get a decent job - and a lot of kids don't realise this and don't have parents to tell them as they're not aware either. There are a zillion people with a degree so you need to find a way to stand out and have been involved in running a society, having a part time job, doing volunteer work - all that sort of thing to make you stand out. You did him a huge disservice IMO by giving him loads of money at uni so he didn't have to have a part time job.

He now needs help and support with turning this all around and working out how he moves on from here. He's already has a job and is working hard so that a good first step. Much better than worrying about whether he's taking advantage would be to help him work out how he gets from here to where he wants to be. He needs to keep the labouring but look at getting some more relevant experience, maybe doing some volunteering. Anything to fill up a CV.

Then he needs to big himself up - what soft skills is he learning from labouring. Team work, communication skills, problem solving, attention to detail, time management etc - with really good examples. What did he learn from his uni course, what was his final project/dissertation on. Can he do any online courses to improve his knowledge on whatever he wants to do. He also needs to be well prepared for interview, he needs to dress well, research the company he's applying to and practice the sort of questions he might be asked. He needs to be prepared to answer in the STAR format and have really good examples of the things they might ask him about - teamwork, leadership, problem solving, dealing with issues, why this job, why this company, what's he going to bring to the job etc

What does he want to do OP?

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 22/09/2025 16:25

Whether he's labouring or doing something directly related to his academic qualifciations is irrelevant. If he's working full-time, even on minimum wage, he's likely to be earning almost £500 per week (or just over £2000 per month).

A monthly contribution of just £200 towards your household expenses is taking the piss, whatever formula you use to decide what is 'fair'.

JustCleaningtheBBQ · 22/09/2025 17:54

Are you also doing his washing, cooking for him? Does he do any chores?

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