Page 2 | Is my son taking advantage

Crazyteacher1 · 2025-09-21T19:06:33+00:00

So I’ve brought up my son on my own since i kicked his dad out when he was 11 cos frankly he couldn’t keep his pants on. I worked bloody hard and got promotions to support us. My son went to uni and I transferred him hundreds of pounds per month so that he could concentrate on his degree and not worry about having a part time job. He didn’t. He failed several exams and got a 2.2… so he moved back in with me after uni. He’s laboring … grades not good enough for his chosen career. He reluctantly gives me £200 a month which is not even enough to pay for utilities and council tax. I buy all the food, beers, takeaways… I’ve had enough! Have I totally spoiled him. I can’t afford to keep bankrolling him!

Fesnying · 21/09/2025 21:18

I think I'd want to take as little as possible from them because cost of living is higher now and the younger generation have it way harder financially but I would want him to adequately pay for his share of food, bills etc and wouldn't be buying him luxuries.

It would depend on their attitude. If they had a sensible attitude and didn't take the piss, we're spending sensibly, saving for a house, I'd be more inclined to be more generous because they've got some self regulation going on but if they had a bad attitude, being irresponsible with money I'd be more likely to give out some tough love.

Happyjoe · 21/09/2025 21:25

Fesnying · 21/09/2025 21:18

I think I'd want to take as little as possible from them because cost of living is higher now and the younger generation have it way harder financially but I would want him to adequately pay for his share of food, bills etc and wouldn't be buying him luxuries.

It would depend on their attitude. If they had a sensible attitude and didn't take the piss, we're spending sensibly, saving for a house, I'd be more inclined to be more generous because they've got some self regulation going on but if they had a bad attitude, being irresponsible with money I'd be more likely to give out some tough love.

I know some parents who save up the money quietly if they can afford to, and give it back when they buy first property/car/whatever. Then still an important lesson about life learned with the added delight of a windfall for the child.

BruFord · 21/09/2025 22:17

@Fesnying I agree that their attitude is key. I wouldn’t want to make it difficult for my children to save for a deposit, but equally, I’m not prepared for them to be disrespectful towards me in my own home.

The OP seems to have the worst of everything atm: he’s reluctant to contribute anything and he’s disrespectful.

Noagency · 21/09/2025 22:19

A 2:2 is no barrier to a decent job, or further study.

Original poster

Crazyteacher1 · 21/09/2025 23:04

I’m honesty struggling financially to pay for everything… food for 2 people… I did not plan to be supporting my son at 23 years old.

OP posts:

BruFord · 21/09/2025 23:06

Crazyteacher1 · 21/09/2025 23:04

I’m honesty struggling financially to pay for everything… food for 2 people… I did not plan to be supporting my son at 23 years old.

@Crazyteacher1 You need to be open with him and say exactly that. He’s an 23-year-old adult with a university education, he needs to start acting like one.

And if he’s disrespectful towards you, pull him up on it every time.

Original poster

Crazyteacher1 · 21/09/2025 23:10

He frequently gets uber eats, dominoes delivery, taxis home from the pub… I can’t afford any of these luxuries

OP posts:

hardtocare · 21/09/2025 23:10

Why are you paying for his treats when you can’t afford it?

Florenceandthemaniac · 21/09/2025 23:12

A 2.2 doesn't mean he can only get a job as a labourer!

I understand you're very frustrated with him, but I think he needs a bit of guidance, as well as a bit of tough love.

What does he want to do? What would he be doing if he got a 2.1?

My DS has just graduated and is doing a Masters, but some of his friends haven't worked out what they want to do next, so are working in shops, cafes etc while deciding what's next.

shhblackbag · 21/09/2025 23:13

Obviously. He is taking the piss and you for a fool.

TheatricalLife · 21/09/2025 23:18

Labouring is NOT poorly paid in our area at all, even for unskilled. You can make decent money if you put the hours and graft in. I doubt he's struggling after giving his mum £200.
OP, you need to put your foot down. If he's buying himself dominoes, uber eats etc there is absolutely no reason for you to be providing additional takeaways or even day to day food. £200 should cover rent at most (and thats cheap). Are you scared to bring it up with him?

CheeseyOnionPie · 21/09/2025 23:25

Beer? Takeaways? If you’re paying for those then you’re mugging yourself off, it’s not him.
If you feel he’s not respecting you then you need to speak to him and explain that now he’s an adult and he needs to support himself.

He needs a plan for a better paid job and a new path. He can buy beer and takeaway if and when he can afford it - those are luxuries.

Fidgetybit · 22/09/2025 00:13

The rot set in when you told him don't bother with a part time job at Uni, here's some money for you to spend as you wish. It's likely he was too busy enjoying spending your money rather than concrentrating on getting the degree result needed for his dream job.

Now he's at home and expects you to continue funding him, so he doesn't need to improve his work/money situation.

So, you just need to stop with buying whatever he asks for and give him the reality check that it's now up to him to pay start paying his way. As others have said stop paying for his beers and takeaways. Stop paying for basic dood unless he increases his board payments to you.

You have brought him up and he's an adult now who can look after himself. It's now time that you started looking after yourself.

I always say, you wouldn't put up with bad behaviour or treatment from a stranger. So why put up with it from your own child?

If your son routinely disrespects you or shows you contempt, then give him a final warning. If he continues, then you know what you need to do.

Fesnying · 22/09/2025 10:47

Happyjoe · 21/09/2025 21:25

I know some parents who save up the money quietly if they can afford to, and give it back when they buy first property/car/whatever. Then still an important lesson about life learned with the added delight of a windfall for the child.

Show quote history

Yeah that's a nice idea

ThejoyofNC · 22/09/2025 10:56

Obviously he's taking the piss but you must be letting him. Time to stop.

LondonLady1980 · 22/09/2025 11:02

How much does he earn compared to how much he's giving you?

How much spare money does that leave him with a month?

How much of that is he putting away to save up for a deposit on his own place?

How much do you spend on monthly outgoings compared to how much you earn? How much spare money does that leave you with? Do you have spare money to put into savings?

I imagine he has a lot more spare money than you and I don't imagine he's saving much of it...

Perhaps sit him down and go through all of that with him and ask him why he thinks that's fair when you are both living there?

The cost of housing is a lot these days so I don't think anyone should expect to simply live with their parents and be financially supported/subsidised by them whilst saving up for a deposit otherwise nobody would ever leave home.

Tell him he needs to move out, or substantially increase his contribution to the living costs. £200 a month is an absolute piss take!!

Toesy · 22/09/2025 11:04

shhblackbag · 21/09/2025 23:13

Obviously. He is taking the piss and you for a fool.

This.
Contact the police to get him out of your home.
Contact Women's aid for advice and support.
You are being abused by him.

He needs to leave.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/09/2025 12:37

Crazyteacher1 · 21/09/2025 23:10

He frequently gets uber eats, dominoes delivery, taxis home from the pub… I can’t afford any of these luxuries

But how does he “get” these on your money without you giving it to him?

You have to say no to him.

I’ve scrolled back through your posts re whether he is being aggressive towards you and you only say he’s “disrespectful”. Are you scared of him?

Tigerhoods · 22/09/2025 12:53

Write it all down. Your income. His income. The shared outgoings. Then make a budget together. No need to fall out or go broke.

BoredZelda · 22/09/2025 12:57

Bitzee · 21/09/2025 20:48

A 2:2 is still a decent degree. Even if the dream job is off the table there’s absolutely no reason why he can’t get a proper full time job and pay for his own beer.

Yeah, this bit doesn’t make any sense to me. If you get a 2:2, that doesn’t mean your only option is to ditch the career and become a labourer.

@Crazyteacher1 I have no idea why you don’t just tell him what you are willing to do now he is an adult. Support him, or don’t. What do you expect anyone here to suggest?

UnbeatenMum · 22/09/2025 13:04

There's nothing wrong with labouring for a bit. He might find something else he wants to do later. I will be very happy if all my children are working at 23, whatever the role. But now he's working it's not fair not to cover his own costs. Calculate a fair split of food and bills even if you don't want to charge him an actual rent. And go halves on takeaways.

MellowPinkDeer · 22/09/2025 13:06

Hankunamatata · 21/09/2025 20:52

2:2 is ok. Surely there's middle ground between labouring and his chosen career

I was coming to say exactly this.

also, stop buying bloody beer and takeaways for him!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/09/2025 13:12

BoredZelda · 22/09/2025 12:57

Yeah, this bit doesn’t make any sense to me. If you get a 2:2, that doesn’t mean your only option is to ditch the career and become a labourer.

@Crazyteacher1 I have no idea why you don’t just tell him what you are willing to do now he is an adult. Support him, or don’t. What do you expect anyone here to suggest?

Show quote history

I agree.

There’s nothing career-ending about getting a 2:2.

Yes, you might have to work a bit harder to get to where you want to go, or go in at a lower level, but it’s all still do-able.

For example, I am a lawyer. Often people think you need a 2:1 to be a lawyer. However we get plenty of people coming in with a 2:2, perhaps as paralegals to start with, but then if they have got their professional qualifications they can get a training contract from there, or do CILEX or the SQE. Lots of ways through with a 2:2.

AdopttDontShop · 22/09/2025 13:15

OP you have raised a cocklodger.

Thewitchsong · 22/09/2025 13:27

I had this when my sd moved in with us

Only she point blank refused to pay a penny/get a job

'I don't cost anything so I'm not paying' and 'why should I get a job?I'm not working at x,y or z'

She did cost a lot-our bills went sky high and so did our food bill

She finally got a shock when I stood my ground,laid my cards on the table and she moved back out again (throwing me shade as she went)

She found that nothing got her nothing so did get a job but the costs of things where a real shock to her system

It was the only way,it's tough love but she did finally grow up a bit