Help me tell friend to go away?

[Ncforthiscms]

How do you tell someone that they've outstayed their welcome and it's time to go home?
When normal hints like saying i might call it a night soon, washing up and asking what are you cooking for dinner dont work?
Don't want to hurt feelings but surely after an hour or so visiting a friend it's normal to then go home....isn't it?

I’m glad you also think this was odd!

I didn’t grow up in the UK, and a British friend of mine patiently explained to me a few years back that you’re meant to decline offers of food and drink the first 2 times, and only accept the 3rd offer because that’s how you know it’s genuine and not a sign that you need to leave! 😱

I saw 30 years of British social gaffes flash before my eyes. I feel lucky to have friends still!

My grandmother grew up in the early 20th century when formal visits were kept short. No one, not even family, was allowed to stay for more than 2 hours!

She had a clock which struck Westminster chimes (the type which goes bing-bong-bing-bong) every hour and half hour. When it struck she would jump smartly to her feet and exclaim "Goodness is that the time? I much get on. Ill get your coat/see you out". And visitors were ushered out in short order.

My grandmother was a formidable woman and no one ever argued with her!

One of the best threads ever about this (imho)😆

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5246024-fulula-the-cf-who-would-not-go-home

An hour isn’t a long visit, but it’s annoying if they turn up at bedtime. I think I’d say no to people coming over who are not good at leaving, suggest meeting for a coffee/drink out of the house or go to their house then you can chose when to leave.

I am a bit of a planner so when I arrange to visit someone I would say something like "I was thinking of about 2-4 so I can get off before the traffic. Is that ok?"

As for people visiting me without an up front arrangement - thats what smart phones and ring doorbells are for. No appointment, I dont open the door.

An hour is a short visit these days. In years gone by when you had various "callers" or whatever dropping by everyday, an hour max would make sense.

That said, if I ever wanted rid of a guest I'd probably say "oh look at the time. I must be getting to bed - early start in the morning" or something like that.

There is the classic thigh slap and "right..." as well

I’m British. Never heard of this three x offer etiquette.

I think an hour is a very short visit, but obviously this is going to depend on a lot of variables like how often you see them, time of day etc. If they came back to your house after the pub on a night when you have work in the morning, yes, but your comment about asking what she’s making first dinner suggests it’s an afternoon visit? Was it an invited one?

It’s certainly not British. I, however, grew up with it in Ireland. My octogenarian mother, to this day, looks horrified if someone offers me a cup of tea and I say ‘Yes, I’d love one’. To her that’s as rude as snatching the last biscuit off a plate someone else is reaching for.

Are you still friends with her….sounds like she felt she owed you a lunch and wanted to just get it over with cheaply and quickly

Heck my mate once stayed til after tea. After dc's bath. And when the youngest was in bed. She only lived across the road!! She was hard to get rid of.

You say "an hour or so" so was it actually an hour or more like 3? I always try the "well it's been lovely seeing you' approach but if that falls on deaf ears then I do flounder.

I'm still traumatised by New Year's Day when I had visitors arrive at 6pm and leave at 11:30! Gorgeous people who I adore but just cannot take a hint and all I wanted to do was put my PJ's on, eat leftover buffet and watch Traitors.

Outstayed their welcome after an hour!….don’t host again as you clearly are not good at it

It was a weird one - we hadn’t seen each other in years, and then she messaged me out of the blue and said she’d moved nearby and would I like to come over for lunch. I never saw her again after that episode as I thought there wasn’t much point!

This thread is a bit depressing for me due to the amount of people who say they keep someone at arms length now or only visit in public spaces. I do the same. I adore my mum but really struggle to see her in person because she always outstays her welcome. Always has done with everyone and sees no issues in just popping in on people, even as late as 8pm or when it’s a colleague she hasn’t seen for 10years.

when I was an adult and moved away approx 1.5 hours, she thought it would be perfectly normal to stay for a few days because it’s “so far”. I sometimes have to be quite rude and forceful with her so that I am able to leave her - I think three hours is enough.

An hour?! Flippin’ell, just WhatsApp her a tea emoji instead and get this months dreaded social interaction out the way.

Not much help but my husband has this infuriating habit of when we've had guests and I'm starting to wish they would fuck off (normally after a few hours) he would put on A FILM!!!! Last time he did this it was my daughter who had her friend round, her friends mum wanted her home before it got dark but he put the Barbie film on at about 7pm so she only got to watch some of it before I had to get her home as her mum wanted her home I couldn't just let them watch it all and be late. I've had to tell him now before anyone visits not to put a bloody film on when it looks like they want to leave or if like to get on with stuff

I've never heard of this for the UK, but my neighbour is Chinese and she told me this is what they do.

It was on the 6th hour that i was thinking oh please leave. You know when you are thinking you want to feed & bath the kids without hosting at the same time.
It's the same whether they just pop in unannounced or we say see you sun at 10am. Whichever way they are usually still around come evening and it's just too long for me....i run out of things to talk about and think about all the jobs that aren't being done.
This time i tried carrying on as normal and had a comment made about i might as well go home if you are busy....(but continued sitting there for another hour).
Help

I am not great at social cues myself (ND) and really appreciate when people are clear about what's what. So now I say very cheerfully with a big smile, 'Well, it's been lovely but I'm going to throw you out now because I have to get ready of X/make dinner/finish a piece of work etc. But brilliant to see you and let's do this again soon!'

EDITED TO ADD: Now I have seen the PP whose grandmother would go 'Goodness, is that the time' and I think that is a really good one. Probably politer than mine :)

A friend once came for a cuppa. She was still there 4 hours later. I had stuff to do! My only day off this week was today, I’ve sanded down a wall, removed mould and re-painted another wall, touched up many areas, descaled the kettle, been shopping, deep cleaned the bedroom (under drawers, damp dusted everything), walked the dogs 3 times, I don’t have 4 hours for a cuppa, particularly when it’s someone I work with 5 days a week! Eventually I had to go to the yard to do the horse so I had to get up and go, at which point she was on about ‘must do this again’. Don’t think so!

“is that the time? I must be getting on.”

🙄 An hour …blimey hardly worth her getting ready …

I think people should state how long they're welcome for when they invite them, and then there are not these misunderstandings. "How would you like to come over for morning coffee at 10.30 until 12?"

"Would you like to come over for dinner? I was thinking 7.30 till 11."

"I'd love you to come for lunch! I was thinking 12 till 2.30, how would that suit you?"