Help me tell friend to go away?

[Ncforthiscms]

How do you tell someone that they've outstayed their welcome and it's time to go home?
When normal hints like saying i might call it a night soon, washing up and asking what are you cooking for dinner dont work?
Don't want to hurt feelings but surely after an hour or so visiting a friend it's normal to then go home....isn't it?

My friend always says ‘right I’m going to have to throw you out now. I’ve got an early start or I’ve got loads of <insert thing> to get done.

It honestly never sounds rude and is black and white. Never fails!

This reminded me of my mum on the phone to a verbally incontinent friend.. we were leaving after a visit and mum ended up having to literally hang up on her friend who had continued talking despite my mother saying multiple times she had to go. It was the weirdest thing.

Yep -a couple of my friends say a watered down version of this. Very practical!

Maybe I just need to say right I need to throw you out now....but even the thought of saying that makes me feel really uncomfortable.

I would never stay more than an hour or two if I went to a friend's house...6 hours is taking the p surely!

6 hours is ridiculous - unless they are visiting from Australia!

Are they from a different culture to yours?

What I'd do is make sure when they arrange to visit, or when they turn up, that you say you have a hard deadline to do something that means they have to leave at a certain time. If they are that gormless that they can't pick up on hints or normal social norms.

Sure, but there’s no point in getting cross about what someone else should do but doesn’t. The only actions you can change here are your own, and you’re unwilling to do that, so the status quo will continue unless you change your mind.

You have to make it very clear. It's best to do it before they arrive but if you don't then when they are there you just say something like "Right I've got to leave soon to go to X", then stand up. Add on "We'll catch up again soon". Done.

6hrs is way too long, in future have an excuse at the ready and say you have to be somewhere at xxx time

After a 3.5 hour visit yesterday I said right I need to throw you out so I can go to bed....said nicely with a laugh. It still took more that 30 minutes of just sitting there till I eventually said I need to go to bed.

It's sad because now the thought of any visit is yukky because I know they will outstayed their welcome.

How do I preempt this?

If they turn up uninvited tell them you're just about to go out, and don't even let them in.

If you tell them upfront you've only got an hour to spare they can't really complain.
Tidy away the cups etc and stand waiting with their coat in hand if need be.

My cousin has a friend who always stays for hours until she goes to bed! She nipped it in the bud by answering the door with her coat on. She'd say, sorry just on my way out! Either walk around the block or drive around the block. It actually worked, as her friend started asking to come instead of just turning up.

@Ncforthiscms it sounds like you may need to have an uncomfortable but necessary chat with your friend, along the lines of you really enjoy her company/value her friendship, but don't have the amount of time to spend with her that she would obviously like. How can we sort this out? Shall we say how long the visit will be for when we are making arrangements to meet? (ie can't be over 2 hours).
Also I would avoid saying you have to do xyz, because people may not think that xyz are important/difficult so can wait.
The point is, you don't have the time, why you don't have the time is not the issue.

Is there a reason they are avoiding there house that means they won’t leave until forced? Followed this from the beginning. Well done as I know you were uncomfortable saying that but you’ve done well. It’s a strange reaction.

could you say come round but you need to leave at x and then remind them half hour before.

Arrange to meet at a coffee shop. People generally overstay their welcome

I had this issue for years with a friend who would stay all day and into the evening. She had no domestic routine of her own and would often tell me that she and her young daughter were eating a take away at midnight.
I managed to work around it by only inviting her with along with another friend who I knew would leave after a reasonable length visit and bring the gathering to an end.
These days we meet at the pub. She would still be the last to go home but at least I have some control over when I leave.

To be honest for the most part you only get in my house if you've got a key/live here/are considered family.

I did once say to my closest friend that I was knackered, and she could be big spoon, little spoon, make herself at home, or bugger off.

Off home she went and rang me later to make sure I was awake for the school run.

she prefers being little spoon

How often do they come round? Are the visits unannounced? If so have an answer when you open the door.. “oh I’m sorry I’ve got something on at the moment, I’ll text you when I’m free”. Then text them and say something like “sorry I wasn’t available earlier. Can you drop me a message in future before you come round to save a wasted journey.”
Then you get to decide beforehand and also say “yes I’m free but only for an hour / two hours and then you’ll need to leave so I can get ready.” No explaining where you’re going/what you’re doing. If they ask, just say it’s something important you need time to do..