School anxiety

[Lucy2586]

So my daughter started high school going from 300 primary to 3000 in high School. She got massive anxiety I took her to the doctor, he said stop pushing giving her a little time off and try again. So the other the welfare officer came. He said most kids that do this have ODD. I don’t agree with that. She is difficult, she is different but not intentionally defiant.

We need to try again on Monday, she is going in to meet the SEN team and trying to find an approach that makes it easier for her. I know teachers are busy but they’ve just brushed me off mostly. I did keep her off for a week on advise from the doctor but they’ve just brushed think that’s a bad idea and he even told me he knows kids that have lost the use of muscles in thier legs from staying in their room. That’s not what is going on here. She wants to go but she is really scared and now I am really anxious. What if I can’t get her there on Monday? I am not lazy parent, I have always worked and she got top marks in SATs apart from maths.

Is she able to explain what it is exactly that makes her anxious? I know going from 300 students to 3000 isn't easy in itself, but are there any other specific reasons?

I would just like to gently point out that people with ODD aren't intentionally defiant. I'm not here to armchair diagnose your daughter, as I'm not a professional and even if I was, professionals can't diagnose someone just based off of a bit of text, but whether she has ODD or not, she's not intentionally being defiant either way x

I hope you and your daughter get some support soon x

She does not know why she is anxious. I have tried everything to get her to explain. From being little she hated change and hates being around people she does not know.

The attendance guy said well some parents want a diagnosis so theu can just stay home and do not encourage their kids to go to school. I have always worked. I hate sitting around watching tv it makes me depressed. I did leave work recently to try to deal with this situation and be there for her. I am really insulted that he thinks I want a diagnosis for money. Considering the waiting list is about 4 years long. That blows his theory out of the water.

She is very clever why would I not want her to reach her potential? Her father my ex blamed me too.i knew she would struggle so let her have a phone to engage with friends over the holidays but as soon as school started those friendships fell apart. Her father my has stopped paying child support as punishment for my shit parenting.

I'd have been so tempted to smack the attendance guy. You're not guaranteed money even with a diagnosis. It really does sound like an awfully tough situation. You're not a shit parent. You're a parent who needs support, who isn't getting any x

Are there smaller schools around? I’d be tempted to say you’ve made a mistake in picking the school and to reassess now before it’s a bigger issue and she’s missed too much time catch up?

There’s loads you can do, if the school are of a mind to help. Meeting with the SENCO is a great first step. They could give her a ‘soft landing’ in the morning, with somebody to greet her and a quiet place for her to go. A quiet place to go between lessons, and/or a pass to leave lessons a couple of minutes before everyone else (with a friend) when the corridors are quiet. Google school anxiety / EBSA.
On the whole I advise not keeping her off because the longer you avoid the thing that makes you anxious, the more scary it seems when it’s time to go back. I suggest she goes back, with adaptations.
If she won’t go in on Monday, can you take emergency time off work to take her in yourself? Ring first thing and ask for somebody to meet you and her by main reception (you might need to me flexible with who this is but ideally a member of the pastoral team). Come in in time to meet this person (even if it’s late morning) so you can hand her over to somebody, have a quick word face to face and arrange a more formal meeting with SENCO /HoY/Pastoral lead for later in the week.

It was suggested that a smaller school might be better and if that is the case I will be totally onboard. Yes the attendance guy got her in front of him and said so what about a nice car, a nice house when you’re older. Shes 11 that’s not even on her radar. He was nice but totally shit.

He told her I will be fined and could go to prison. Again at 11 i do not think she quite grasps it.

She is 100% on the spectrum. Definitely hog functioning but threatening her with not having a nice car etc is definitely not going to wash with her. Guilt won’t either positive reinforcement. Why do these arseholes come round talking absolute shit and make it worse.

3000 is an absolutely huge school.

i used to work in a big school, we had 2000 abd that was considered big.

a lot of work needs to happen in a school that size for new students to feel like they are getting to know people and not be completely overwhelmed.

do they have students in mostly the same class for most subjects? Does she have friends that joined the same school as her?

keepng her off won’t solve this problem.

This attendance guy wants sacking.

Wtf is wrong with the attendance guy?! I hope you and your DD get the support you need.

Does she have any neurodivergent traits? Many DC that struggle with attending school, especially when transitioning to secondary school, are ND. The busy environment, more complicated social interactions and rigid environment can be hard for them to cope with. My own DD was diagnosed with autism after suffering EBSA. The signs were always there but I hadn't recognised them as being related to autism until the school difficulties started.

You need to see if the school can make any adjustments that can help, eg considering seating arrangements, pass to leave class if overwhelmed etc. The most important thing, IMO, is the allocation of a safe adult whi they can build a trusted relationship with.

You are not a shit mum, your ex sounds awful.
I would go to cms, he had no right to cut financial support for your DD.

Ask for a meeting at school with senco, pastoral manager head of year.
See if any adjustments can be made, for example can a member of staff check in with her everyday? Is there a safe quiet place she can go?
Try and see if there's a rational reason such as bullying, friendship issues, if she dislikes breaks, lunch time, seating plans, school bus etc if so see if any issues can be resolved.

However you have said she's always been an anxious child, I would strongly recommend reading up in autism in girls, it presents very differently in girls and puberty and at start of secondary school is often when things start to go awry and problems arise for autistic girls that have managed in primary school. Of course this may or may not be the case for your DD but it is for many so worth baring in mind.
My own DD was diagnosed with autism at 14 after things feel apart at secondary school. I had no inkling and never saw it coming.
There is an excellent long running support thread in here called something like parents /carers of anxious children and teens which is worth posting on there for support and advise.
In the meantime I would keep everything very low demand, try not to talk about school much. Allow time to relax and for enjoyable activities, lots of praise for all her good points to build up self esteem.

She is 11 not 5. You can't "hand her over".

OP I was almost exactly you 3 years ago. My bright, school loving v academic DD just completely froze, I mean physically, could t get out of the car or walk towards the gate froze on transition to y7. It was the most awful, terrifying thing I ever dealt with as a parent. I'm a bloody teacher..noone gets to tell me I don't value education but I also had my own class to get too and couldn't spend half a day standing around outside a locked gate in the cold trying to persuade her to go in. She also couldn't tell me what the issue was. It wasn't friends, bullies, the teachers or lessons. It was change, a big, busy environment. She wanted to go in. She couldn't. Eventually I transferred her to a v small private school..I was able to afford it by basically being in debt but she's thriving now. The current "standard" comprehensive is wildly unsuited to children with anxiety, ASD, other SEND that just require quiet and calm. The don't need expensive therapy or huge adjustments, just a much smaller environment. I wish you luck.
Oh, and my ex was an utter twat as well.

@RhaenysRocks I beg to differ, many a time I have greeted pupils and parents upon their arrival to school, and reassured / accompanied the pupil to their lesson if required. Usually anxious / sen pupils in yrs 7 and 8 but sometimes older. That is what I mean by handover.

I know it won’t help her but the doctor advised a little break then start again. I know you what you mean though. Sooner she goes back the better but she was having panic attacks. Maybe I got a bad doctor but I thought it would be better to follow his advice. He’s late 60s dealt with this lots of times i was crying. My daughter was mute. Omg shes started saying she doesn’t want to be a girl so this is a whole new issue.

She has many traits and now she’s saying she doesn’t feel like a girl anymore so this is really deep. It’s absolutely heartbreaking but I told the school I read the cass review and she cannot just change. Shes 11 lots of therapy needed before any kind of social transition .

Anyone any advice?
please!

I know This isn’t the best place
for for this
bit she is 11. She said she felt like she this
from 8 years old. I think she realised she was different from 8 year old.

Yes sure, if they're a bit nervous, that's great. That's not what my DD and many like her were suffering from. Total physical freeze. My DD is the most compliant pupil, never had a sanction in her school life. She was stood near the school, head down, being cajoled, pressured, bullied and eventually shouted at by staff calling her rude, silly, defiant, naughty. Absolutely traumatising.

A little break is not a week though. That will have made it worse.

Speak to the SENCO about starting with an hour each morning and then every few days add some more time. Or start afresh at a new school because it will be harder now as the others know each other.

Have you looked into an assessment? Schools are supposed to meet the needs of the children regardless of any diagnosis but IME they don't listen as well if there is no diagnosis.

This is my experience too. It was actually my son's school who suggested to me that he might be autistic. They did a report and then sent it off for him to be put on a waiting list for him to be assessed. Do they actually meet his needs? Absolutely not. Well, the SENCO who is his teacher on Thursdays does, but his teacher that he has on every other day of the week? Useless. Last year's teacher was even worse 🥲

My son suffered massive anxiety about starting high school, I posted about it this summer as it got that bad that we started to consider home education.

His school have been supportive so far, they offered things like a corridor pass, to be able to access corridors 5 min earlier than other children so it’s not so busy, he has a ‘toilet pass’ which he can use if he feels overwhelmed and needs to get out of a classroom etc. He’s met the learning mentor and knows where the support office is and was reassured he can go there anytime.

They can also offer reduced timetable etc to avoid busy times, so going in 10 min later, coming home at lunch time etc. My son hasn’t needed all of these things, he’s actually settled much better than we thought but knowing they are available if he needs them helped.

I agree that the week off didn’t help, it’s just kicking the can down the road and also meant the attendance team got involved. Unless home education is an option you are seriously considering you need to work with the school, not just keep her at home.

If she's saying she doesn't want to be a girl then check her Internet and start giving her role models on different ways to be female.

Re school.

Can you start backwards. Turn up for the last lesson, so she knows it is only an hour and gradually go earlier?

A smaller or a more well ordered school may help.

Look into applying for an EHCP.

Get on the wait list for CAHMS - but if you can afford to go private do that instead.
You need to work with the schools senco. Sounds like she is ND but you haven't got an official diagnosis yet. You need to work with the school to get this in place and then can work around arrangements that support her e.g. does the school have a welfare base she could start the day in and do some work there? Can they then start to accompany her to lessons? Allow her to leave early to avoid the rush?
I am not sure the doctor did give the best advice as the longer she is off the harder it will become and reinforces her behaviour that it is fine to stay home.

If you think she's on the spectrum have you looked at diagnosis? It's not unusual for these kids to get through primary and fall apart in high school.

I'd suggest applying for an EHC needs assessment, especially if school are already talking about fines ffs. It will protect you as it evidences you're doing everything you can to support attendance and tbh by the time you get one with this school's attitude things will likely have got worse. Don't be fobbed off, if anxiety prevents attendance it's a special educational need.

Stay in touch with health, ask for referrals

Clue yourself up on section 19 of the Education Act 1996. If it looks like your dd will miss more than 15 days of school the LA become responsible for making sure suitable full time education is in place. They will tell you its school's responsibility, it's not! This could be tutirs, online provision, attendance at an alternative provision. Whatever is suitable for your dds needs. https://www.ipsea.org.uk/school-anxiety

Look at a different school. This one's attitude is rubbish.

get your hard hat on and be prepared to fight.

Make the https://www.ipsea.org.uk/Pages/Category/get-support website your new best friend.