School anxiety

[Lucy2586]

So my daughter started high school going from 300 primary to 3000 in high School. She got massive anxiety I took her to the doctor, he said stop pushing giving her a little time off and try again. So the other the welfare officer came. He said most kids that do this have ODD. I don’t agree with that. She is difficult, she is different but not intentionally defiant.

We need to try again on Monday, she is going in to meet the SEN team and trying to find an approach that makes it easier for her. I know teachers are busy but they’ve just brushed me off mostly. I did keep her off for a week on advise from the doctor but they’ve just brushed think that’s a bad idea and he even told me he knows kids that have lost the use of muscles in thier legs from staying in their room. That’s not what is going on here. She wants to go but she is really scared and now I am really anxious. What if I can’t get her there on Monday? I am not lazy parent, I have always worked and she got top marks in SATs apart from maths.

The most important thing is that she tries again tomorrow. Exposure therapy can be very helpful when you have anxiety especially if there is nothing “wrong” or she’s just overwhelmed

Mine seemed ok when she came home and found that going to the quiet area at lunch and breaks helped. Dont dare get overly enthusiastic yet though. Hope you have success!

This. Too much sympathy can make the situation worse. We all feel anxious times, and need to get on with it.

@Lucy2586 I’d consider today a success even though Dd skipped PE due to her tummy ache. But she had a good lunch time helping with a display.

@Boomer55unless you’ve been through it, it’s so hard to understand. I’m the last person to enable this kind of behaviour or give too much sympathy. I’m the “get up and just get on with it” type of person but Dd is not.
And I’m too dismissive of emotions or didn’t hug my dc enough so I don’t feel the blame is on me either.
There’s no outward reason for her anxiety but it’s there. She can’t even explain it herself. If it was something specific, I could try to help her but it’s just “everything”

I have already said the doctor advised this. She is awaiting assessment it’s more than ‘anxiety’

I realise a lot of people do not get it. If I did not know a friend of a friend who is experiencing something similar I’d probably feel worse. She is an amazing parent but her son is autistic. He has been doing this for 4 years. I am working with everyone I can and not just giving a week off. It’s hard to know who to listen to so those comments are not very helpful.

She needs to work out some coping mechanisms when feeling anxious. It can also help if she understands what's happening in her body when she is anxious, so it doesn't feel so scary. Have a look at the autonomic nervous system and polyvagal theory. This worked well with my anxious 10 year old, as he could articulate what was going on, and knew how to dampen down the anxious feeling. School is unlikely to be that helpful, as they are massively overstretched and underresoursed for good quality counselling and pastoral care.

Not trying to derail the thread but are you sure there are 3000 students at the school?

That would be 18 form entry per year which I have literally never heard of so you seem to have sent her to one of the largest schools in Britain.

i would suggest you move her somewhere with around 6-8 form entry if possible.

This is so sad to read. I had exactly the same situation with my DD although it was a much smaller school. She also has ASD - high functioning. We toughed it out for a year and then I threw the towel in. It was just awful. I was giving her CBD drops to get her through the door. Thankfully I was in a position to home educate. I think being ND and high achieving causes difficulties fitting in. It’s just a sad fact. DD is almost seventeen now and is at college. She’s still overwhelmed but less worried about fitting in and being liked by her peers.

Is there any other things that you have noticed to your daughter being a bit different. I’m asking this, because it’s around this age that things tend to come to a head. Do you think she could have ASD or ADHD? Girls tend to mask well, especially the bright ones. Anxiety is real, and can cause all kinds of physical problems too. Cognitive therapy may help. Just a few things to think about.

I am saying that amount bevause it’s what the welfare officer said. He probably doesn’t even know he’s a bit of a dick but I have been so busy filling in different forms etc I have not checked out. It is a very big school though with 6th form etc. I remember when she started reception class there is a photo of her first day and she looks terrified and told my mother but they all have hair. Who knows what the meant but she did get used to it.

Yes definitely something else going on. She is very clever and artistic but no so good at maths. You can have great conversations with her but she has always hated hugs and kisses. From 2 years old she said kisses are disgusting.

She had one best friend from being 2 in nursery and when that fell apart I had school refusal but she got back on track. Whenever I put her in after school club for work she rarely mixed with other kids and she has always stimmed something I didn’t realise at the time. She got periods at 10 and she just could not cope with them. I give her downtime bevause she needs it. Could never get her into brownies or anything but always took her out a lot. She has intense interests but then drops it like a bag of hammers and moves on.

She is awaiting and assessment and on a waiting list for therapy which apparently just takes a few months for therapy

Just googled so there are 2200 pupils there.

On this single point, I read an article (which I wish I could reference for you but I can’t for the life of me remember where) saying that autistic people often prefer to socialise outside of their group, whether that is boys being friends with girls, having different aged friends, friends from another language or culture, transition by gender - it’s part of feeling different and like you don’t fit in, so being part of another group can give a different explanation to that than neurodivergence.
My child is autistic, I am the least terf-y feminist but I think the first thing surely must be to build a secure neuropositive identity above anything else, as you rightly suggest.
That attendance officer sounds awful. Good luck for this week. Xx

Sounds like she could be on the spectrum. As I said cognitive therapy may help short term but I think you will have to follow this up with a diagnosis. You are not trying to change her, just give her coping skills for the future.

Yes I think she just hates puberty so much. Her father is a fun time dad and anytime there’s any difficult times he’s completely useless.

Its v hard and unless been.in situation it's v difficult to understand
I wouldn't have understood it a few years ago. My son managed primary. Y7 and 8 not too bad...y9 the wheels came off 😢😀 He would try to go and fit in. But then would feel ill certain days. Those days got more. I got more stressed. School got rougher.. I asked for help but told anxiety isnt a reason to miss school?!
I read all i could on EBSA etc. Steve Bladon blog School's on Fire is excellent
As we got offered part days (after it had gone so far...after so many asks for help) , he could go for 10 mins, for lunch etc. But thing is if anxious and a bit scared of the loud crowd you dont want to go in late or do things differently...and so you miss more..then more comments. Its awful.
Sunshine Support are brilliant. Naomi Fisher also. Square Peg Kids excellent.
Got to point he just couldn't go. Burnout from trying so hard..and massive guilt.on my side. The days I would make him get out of the car by parking by others so he had to. I feel awful writing it. He would come out angry and sad..he lost trust in me.
He is now learning at home and a different person. He became angry and grumpy.and I know.it was the constant stress and worry. One teacher helpfully said oh look its the new boy on one of the days he had made it in 😢
Just awful i am so sad for what he will miss.out on...sad for not listening to.his cries for help sooner etc
Look up sunshine Support and others ive mentioned as all so helpful. Sometimes you need plan b.
Good luck x
Oh and also I was made to feel we were only ones going through it..like the post office scandal.. but u wont be. Not.Fine in school fb page was on about 20k when I joined.. now 70k.
.its a huge issue..:(

That would be OK if such a large percentage of autistic adults didn’t have PTSD from their school experiences.

That’s rather disheartening. Hopefully her school are good with this. Very early days. I cannot afford to home school and I do talk to her about anxiety etc I think it’s more not fitting in. She tends to talk a lot about what she is currently interested in so hopefully finds a good friend that she can share her interest in bands with.

From your updates she sounds exactly like my daughter and as I said upthread, you won’t win this so please don’t make my mistake and turn everyday into a battle. It almost destroyed all of us. Have you met with the head of year and pastoral lead?

There was no battle today. We went early met student support and they took her to the well being room before class. She was nervous but she seems to be ok going to the quiet space at breaks etc. They seem to be pretty hands on but I can sort of understand it there were a large group of boys playing football in the yard all they all towered above me. It must be so daunting for little ones even not on the spectrum. I can just try then if that doesn’t work take it from there.

That’s really encouraging! I hope she has a good day.

Me too. It’s been deeply upsetting and draining for both of us but student support told me yesterday was a good a day. I think they’ve took away most of the crowds and keeping it as calm as possible. I don’t dare yet get too enthusiastic but she wasn’t upset or even moaning just looked nervous.

If she has an interest in music, could you nurture that? Are there any projects in the area that would get her started playing and get to know more young people. We have a few in our area and they tend to attract some quirky/neurodivergent kids and give them a peer group.

I went to a massive school. Looking back I don't know how I coped. I think I put 'blinkers' on and lived in my head a lot but if I'd known saying downright 'no' to it could be an option I think I may have done. It never really got any better though despite all the 'exposure therapy' of going. As an adult I've had to unlearn this coping strategy as it is not helpful to adult life at all.