School anxiety

[Lucy2586]

So my daughter started high school going from 300 primary to 3000 in high School. She got massive anxiety I took her to the doctor, he said stop pushing giving her a little time off and try again. So the other the welfare officer came. He said most kids that do this have ODD. I don’t agree with that. She is difficult, she is different but not intentionally defiant.

We need to try again on Monday, she is going in to meet the SEN team and trying to find an approach that makes it easier for her. I know teachers are busy but they’ve just brushed me off mostly. I did keep her off for a week on advise from the doctor but they’ve just brushed think that’s a bad idea and he even told me he knows kids that have lost the use of muscles in thier legs from staying in their room. That’s not what is going on here. She wants to go but she is really scared and now I am really anxious. What if I can’t get her there on Monday? I am not lazy parent, I have always worked and she got top marks in SATs apart from maths.

Following your last thread, did you check what the school is recording absences as? As explained, they should be coded as I. This will not result in fines/prosecution. Did you look at requesting an EHCNA? And, if DD is unable to attend full-time, alternative provision?

I genuinely am not trying to attack you, but have you considered you might be enabling this?

Being nervous of school is totally natural, one of mine was scared to start Y7 many years ago. We were completely supportive of her anxiety while at the same time making it clear that not attending simply wasn't an option. It was tough for a few days, then she resigned herself that she had to go in and within the first year she had a decent friend group and it was all forgotten.

Your daughter has expressed nerves and anxiety and recieved a week off school as a result. Is it any surprise her 'worries' haven't gone away? Kids arent stupid and know what to say, as well as how to manipulate credulous parents.

Sorry to hear your daughter was so distressed, sounds like the school treated her very badly.
My suggestion was for the OP, up to hear whether it applies in her daughter’s situation x

Yes I have filled out the forms.

No I am not enabling this at all. It’s bloody awful and I am doing everything I can. I was just following what the doctor said i didnt realise he’d give me shit advice

Don't worry too much about the gender stuff, lots of autistic girls go through it, and it's often linked to body changes in puberty. Just reassure her you love her no matter what.

I strongly recommend contacting your local autism charity / org, and also check out Not Fine In School.

Thats fair enough but now is the time to nip it in the bud.

She is going to school tommorow morning, end of discussion. Expect a battle and hysterics. No matter what, its non negotiable. It'll be horrible for you. Stay strong. The next day might be the same. Once she realises its not going to change, she will get on with it.

If you give in to hysterics and crumble, she will remember and it'll be harder the next time you try.

You have to be strong and immovable.

Do that and this time in a month you will look back and wonder what all the fuss was about.

There is a massive difference between being a bit nervous/anxious but being able to plough on through, and having complete debilitating anxiety where being force in will only make things worse.

The difficulty is distinguishing between the two.

I'd go for a gently approach, get her in to see pastoral care and work up.

So what have the absences been recorded as? Because if it is I, as it should be, the worry about being fined isn’t necessary because absences coded as I are authorised.

If you have contacted the LA about s19 provision, have you heard back from them yet? You might have to chase after a while, many do.

I have to slightly disagree with this - my mum forced me to go to school even though I was depressed and anxious (I think she just didn't know what else to do and probably had the same mindset as you). I ended up skipping the entirety of year 11 and only going in to sit my exams. I would catch the bus to "school", then literally walk for hours and hours around different neighbourhoods until the time my mum would usually expect me back home.

Obviously if OP's daughter is driven to school, this would make it more challenging for her to skip, but not impossible.

Yes she is going and I am being very strong about it.

I’m an autism specialist and have seen this situation many times over the years. Not fine in school and the autistic girls network are helpful resources. Forcing the girl into an environment where she feels terrified, without changing the environment or the school making reasonable adjustments, will lead to worse mental health outcomes such as PTSD. School should allow a phased timetable with a nurture room as a safe haven and a key worker as a person to comfort her. They should also do an urgent CAMHS referral.

not a specialist but parent going through same thing and totally agree with everything you have said. And also what we have been told.

I have been working with autistic high school children since 1999 (and work closely with CAMHS). The attendance officer has no clinical mental health qualifications or he would not be working as an attendance officer. I am shocked although not surprised by this wildly inaccurate ODD diagnosis and complete lack of awareness that a neurodivergent 11 year old can’t imagine a future with a nice car. Saying that the parent could be fined or go to prison is abusive.

With a CAMHS referral that places the girl on the autism pathway, the school must make reasonable adjustments. The fact that they are not doing this straight away is a red flag visible from outer space.

Just to say that I’m going through similar. Dd was in yr 7 last year and hates school. Shes bright and has friends.
Her school is excellent though and she’s allowed to go to the well being room when she needs to, has counselling, she’s allowed to wear noise reduction headphones at specific times.
She’s found a way to tell her friends that she’s not feeling great and doesn’t want to talk yet on very difficult mornings.
This has all really helped.
I’ve tried to validate her feelings about not wanting to go to school but also tell her that unfortunately, there’s no choice and she has to go to school.
I tell her that she can get through the day, just like she’s got through most days.
I’m very aware I’m treading the line between allowing her to feel what she feels but to also work with her to build some resilience.
I don’t know if it will work and I’m forever questioning if I’m doing the right thing but I’m trying.
I’ve also looked into some supplements like magnesium to help regulate her sleep and some good omega 3.

I have had very similar with my daughter. Have you had a meeting with the school about this? If you haven't, I would be arranging one first thing in the morning. It sounds as if she needs reasonable adjustments including many that have been mentioned already - fob to leave lessons and a safe adult to go to if feels overwhelmed, pass to leave lessons early to avoid noise and clamour in the corridors, noise cancelling headphones/loop earplugs, maybe a reduced timetable to ease her in gently - there are loads of things that the school can do to try and make it easier for her. She may also need contact with something like a pupil engagement officer to try and get her in in the mornings.

If none of this works, consider a different, smaller school.

Good luck, it's a really stressful thing to go through

I have and I have tried to speak to everyone that I can. They do want her to go to the Senco team tomorrow which I think I have managed to get through to her. We had an upsetting day with both us ending up in floods of tears but I think it has made her see that she at least need to try this as I need to go back to work.

i feel awful seeing her upset it breaks my heart bevause I know she isn’t being defiant and she is struggling but I did need to make her listen and understand that the school can help make it much easier for her but she has to go so they can find out what needs to be put in place.

and yeah that attendance guy was pretty rotten. Tried to make out that I just want money from the government and some parents allow this to happen and don’t even try and sit watch tv all day. I’ve worked my whole bloody life it’s my idea of hell watching tv all day I need to be busy.

i soent the whole summer keeping her connected with friends, thinking that would help things but they’re all in different classes so didnt really work. I have put everything on hold so he can stick his opinions foolish man.

That’s the hard part not knowing if it will last and the wheels come off again. I was following the doctors advice but the seems to wrong. It’s all made me so stressed I am barely eating or seeing anyone apart from one friend that’s been coming round to give me a hand.

I am sorry that things are so difficult - it was awful when we have been through similar with our daughter. It's one of the most stressful situations and you feel really helpless and everyone tells you that you just need to force them to go - which is often the worst thing you can do. My daughter is attending at the moment, but I know that that could easily change.

Ignore the welfare officer man, he doesn't know what he's talking about and work with the school SEN department to try and get your daughter into school.

Good luck, I hope tomorrow works out.

Enabling Jesus Christ.

I spend 3 years in a huge battle with a school refusers. It’s much much much harder than just letting them stay home. I have people that think parents are part of the problem . I spent hours and hours trying to get her to school every week.

@Lucy2586please do do what I did and fight it for years, if it’s not for her , find an alternative that is. We online school now but oh my god I wish I had done it years ago and saved us all from the stress and horror of it all’s

I got her there in tears. Hopefully today will be ok and it will get easier.

I hope she has a reasonable day and that it isn't as bad as she thought

Have nothing helpful to add. I really hope it works for you and her OP. I suspect trying really hard to push it in year 7 might be helpful as it might be a hump she can get over. For my daughter it never was. She school refused from yr9 to yr 11 and then again in yr 12 (dropped out finally in second term of a-levels). We are trying again at college which seems ok but we are only a few weeks in.
I wish probably that I had listened a bit earlier and probably pushed it less.

I am hoping so just waiting for her to get home now. Ive felt sick all day but hopefully we can get over it with the school support.

I hope it went well @Lucy2586
im off to pick Dd up too. She seemed ok but then got a tummy ache as she was leaving and asked to stay home. I told her to wait it out for a bit and didn’t get any calls to pick her up so fingers crossed.