Different Dads Different Prospects

[DelaneyDonkey]

I have no idea what I even want out of this thread.

When I first met my in-laws not only was I pregnant with their grandson even though I had only known their son for a few months I also had a three year old in tow whose dad was completely uninterested. I was quite a catch as you can imagine.

I thought everything worked out reasonably well. We got married and settled down. Broadly speaking they treated both boys well and my eldest had come into the family at an age where he knew they weren’t his grandparents so subtle differences in their treatment were accepted.

Now 17 years later things are beginning to change massively. Eldest dropped out of uni and in and out of work through no fault of his own, just the way it is with that kind of work. While youngest has had driving lessons given to him by in-laws, a second hand car, a course paid for, enabling him to get a part-time job. He has been told he will be supported at uni.

My in-laws are very ordinary people, who have worked all their lives but in the 1980s FiL had an industrial accident and built up a little property portfolio. Last week, completely casually younger son said that one of these houses la will be transferred to him when he is 18 of months. Apparently the two cousins have had houses given to them as well.

Elder son just became mute.

Husband and I are having to pare everything back at the minute but he won’t approach his dad to ask what is going on.

Youngest has his head screwed on but it is as if he has everything handed him on a plate.

Our mortgaged house is worth about £300,000 but husband will not hear of adjusting our wills.

If you had asked me 18 years ago if I expected in-laws to treat them the same I would have said no, it wasn’t their duty but I am just beside myself at the inequality, I didn’t expect it.

This is so unfair - it’s completely normal for kids to change their minds about uni once they start / struggle to get a job with little or no experience..

the solution isn't for him to get from StepGP its for you to help him more. help him set up a life for himself and do well. Maybe help him with a deposit if needed.

GPs help with the youngest frees up funds for you to help the oldest no? its not realistic to expect a house

I think you are being somewhat pedantic. Of course it’s not inevitable in the literal meaning of the word. A great big meteor could have landed on their house and wiped out the entire family and no one would inherit anything. But if it makes you happy “it was highly probable given this scenario and what previous people have done, this would be the route that grandparents would also take” happy now?

Why wouldn't it be inevitable. Why in the world would you expect the extended family of a step parent to financially support the child.

I agree, I spend my own money to try and make up for some of what my older children don’t have in comparison to my younger children with DH

I know the mumsnet view is that your eldest isn’t their grandchild so why should they treat him the same but I find it odd, especially as he was so little when he came into their lives and his bio dad is not in the picture.

My brother married a woman who already had a child (5 when they met) whose bio dad is not in the picture either and my parents have always gone out of their way to just treat him as a grandchild. They refer to him as their grandson, they paid for him to go on an abroad school trip, they will be paying for his driving lessons starting soon.

I just find it so unkind to be so deliberately exclusionary to a child.

I agree. I'm saddened how many people have this cut throat and cruel attitude. On the surface they appear to say they would be "kind" day to day but when it comes down to it, these family members mean nothing to them and they have no problem declaring it.

OP has said his bio dad was and possibly still is in the picture. He paid some child support and visited up to twice a week.

Why doesn't OP pay half his driving lessons and ask bio dad for half?

this Is what has happened in DHs family.

Eldest brother got a girl pregnant at 18 but then got in a relationship with a 20yo who had 2 children, they stayed together 15years having a child together, so BIL has 2 bio and 2 stepchildren, all children treat equally. Then he split from ex, only having minimal contact with stepchildren via his child, but no longer any contact. He then met new wife with 3 children, again children all treat equally as grandchildren, by this time DH and other sibling now have children so the grandchildren pool has grown significantly. When bils oldest wanted to go to uni fees were covered by family trust set up, however this did not cover stepchildren, BIL wasn’t happy as he couldn’t afford to send them so in-laws gave some cash towards this to help out children that they no longer have a relationship with. The same happened when bils new wife’s children started to get older, again in-laws kindly gave a bit of money but not enough to make BIL and wife happy by all accounts. Now BIL has split yet again and again no contact with stepchildren. So that’s 5 stepchildren that now have no contact with the family that BIL wasn’t happy they couldn’t get access to the trust fund set up for grandchildren, had they had their full university fees paid for then that would have left barely anything for the six remaining grandchildren who aren’t old enough for uni yet.

Inlaws aren’t wealthy but on the back of a small windfall 30 years ago they set up a small trust. The trust grew by pure luck, extended family leaving small lump sums and assets to each inlaw meant they were able to put that money straight into the trust for their grandchildren. Any inheritance they have has been made clear will go to they children to do as they please but the trust is solely for their grandchildrens future.

Which is why I feel that it’s fine to welcome other children; into the family, treat them the same at birthdays, Christmas etc. but inheritance and access to money set aside for biological grandchildren is completely different.

not treating a non-family member like an actual family member is not exclusionary. As long as you are kind and welcoming, and don't treat the kid like an outsider.

If your brother and his partner split up, her child will disappear from your parents life. He might even disappear from your own brother's life (happens a lot, see al the MN threads)

You can't expect people to pretend someone is family when they 're not.

I do get this if the bio dad is completely out of the picture and was very much how my ex’s parents were with my eldest. However when they are in the picture it is completely different, even if they aren’t the most brilliant parent, that’s the same with any child. People feel much more responsible for a child that no one has taken responsibility for compared with a child that someone has taken a level of responsibility for, even if that person doesn’t offer what they do

I do get this if the bio dad is completely out of the picture and was very much how my ex’s parents were with my eldest. However when they are in the picture it is completely different, even if they aren’t the most brilliant parent, that’s the same with any child. People feel much more responsible for a child that no one has taken responsibility for compared with a child that someone has taken a level of responsibility for, even if that person doesn’t offer what they do

How old are you OP? Sit down with DC1 explain how you are aware things are tougher, but you're willing to work alongside them in building a future.
Apprenticeships that pay while you train. He'll be very proud of himself for doing this, if you take on an extra job to get him driving lessons and a cheap car, also acknowledge that DC2 deserves support and an explanation too, this is easily fixable.

Your husband can't really force his parents to change their views on inheritance to a child who isn't biologically related to them. It's great that the family have accepted him and that your husband hasn't treated him as an outsider. I would be very careful about changing your wills to favour your older one as that could just as easily cause resentment towards him from your younger son. Reading your post it looks like you're over compensating him and favouring him already. He's 20/21? And doesn't have a job yet you're making excuses for him. What does he live on if he has no work. Your younger son at least works and you seem to think that his grandparents money enables him to do that. If money your older son isn't seeing is seen as spoiling your younger son then surely the younger one wouldn't bother to work as he wouldn't feel the need to if he was getting everything handed to him for nothing. Maybe your husband wants the older one to actually pull his finger out his backside and do something other than drop out of college/uni/work and stick to something for once. Best you can do for your son is encourage him to help himself rather than sit there feeling he is unfairly treated whilst not working when his apparently "privileged" brother has a work ethic

Did you make any effort to ensure your elder DS had contact with his paternal GPs?

They are treating all their grandchildren the same. Your eldest isn't their grandchildren.
Would you want your younger son not to get the same as his cousins to appease your older son?
And no wills should not be changed to favour one son over another.

Bur your husband is already leaving half of his estate to your son isn't he, in his mirror will of yours? I don't understand what you mean by wanting your son to inherit through your husband rather than directly from his parents.
Half of whatever wealth passes from your PIL to your husband when they die, will go to your son?

@DelaneyDonkey

If your current husband had a child when you met would you be expecting your parents to put them into their wills and leaving inheritance for them? I very much doubt it.

Sounds like they got the measure of you pretty fast.

You just said you expected your son to inherit your husband’s family’s property/wealth via him.

They saw that and that’s exactly why they have skipped him and gone straight to their grandchild. So he gets a whole house not half. Thats why your husband did not get help buying a house because they knew how you thought.

Have you posted before about the house help as I’m sure I’ve read about this before the one family with step getting no help.

There is absolutely no scenario in which I would see it as a necessity for your in-laws to be as generous to their step-grandchild as they are to their actual grand-child.

Life isn’t fair and there are a million different ways in which life can treat them different that you have no control over and this is one of them.

My BIL can’t hide his bitterness that we had free childcare from my parents and he has to pay for nursery. My Mum makes constant barbed comments about how my in laws are well off and how our DC will benefit from them when her favourite grandchild, my niece, will get nothing from her other grandparents and constantly suggests that she will leave her house solely to my niece. I try no not get bitter about how BIL was gifted a substantial house deposit by my in laws and we had to work and save for ours but I am not always successful tbh.

There is disparity everywhere, and it can lead to bitterness. Don’t feed it amongst your DC.

They haven’t died yet, they are giving your son a house, you said Fil had a few, so the rest of their money when they die, will in part come to your husband and your son through him.

Were you expecting more from them.

I think it's all just odd. An 18 year old who is presumably in high school now has to take on the worry of a property he owns, and is suddenly having 1-2k appear in his bank account each month. The timing is surely pretty irresponsible on their behalf? Doesn't sound like he's grown up particularly affluent but will soon have more free spending money than the majority of adults.
Do you charge your eldest rent when he's working op? Will you be charging the younger one similarly if so?

I don't think it's fair I think it's mean.

Yes but his brother will have an additional 200+k in assets and 1-2k a month coming in. I'm not saying in laws should test his as their grandson, but I can see why it feels unfair to op

It really isn’t odd. Ime experience, professional and personal, your family is the exception, not the rule. ‘Treat them as your own’ isn’t something you can expect to happen as standard, and that’s why it’s so important for a parent to be clear from the outset what sort of relationship they want their child to have in a blended family, and to not continue a relationship that doesn’t offer that. You cannot force reality to be to your liking, you have to come to terms and work with what it actually is.

It isn’t exclusionary to treat him as something that he isn’t to them. You presumably wouldn’t expect for OP to treat her PIL as her actual parents, or for them to treat her as their actual daughter. The reality is that the relationships are different, and the dynamics reflect that.

The bio dad is in the picture in OP’s case, but even if he wasn’t that would not be the fault of OP’s in-laws and/or husband, and it wouldn’t be their responsibility to compensate for that.