Dating new guy - competitive comments

[confuseddating]

I’ve been dating someone for 3 months and things are going well so far, but I’ve noticed that when we’re having a conversation that he often diverts it to himself and it feels like he’s trying to compete / ‘out do’ me.

here are some examples

1. I had a busy day recently, I mentioned it on a call and started to explain what had happened, he cut over me saying ‘I’ve had the busiest day ever, because of x,y,z’

2. we were having a deep conversation and I said that it has been a really tough year for me (I’ve had some shit things happen this past year), he cuts over me saying ‘no one has had a harder year than I have because of x,y,z’

3. I bought a new car recently, I drove it to his place and whilst I wasn’t expecting him to be overly excited about it, he didn’t say a word - I asked if he liked the car, his response was ‘yes it’s nice, I used to have that model, it was top spec’

4. we were at my house and something was said about my kitchen, I said I need a new one as it’s really old now, before I could finish he interrupts telling me that in his last house he had a brand new kitchen that had loads of extras and cost £25,000

5. on our second or third date he commented on my handbag - ‘I know how expensive that was, I bought several for my ex’

6. one afternoon I mentioned an activity I was going to take my DC to, I notice on social media 2 hours later that he’s doing said activity with his DC (neither of us have done this activity with our DC since we’ve been together) - he may have genuinely thought my idea was a good one, but in a weird way it felt like him competing

I’m not a competitive person or a braggy person, so I feel that these interactions are weird, it’s almost like instead of being happy for me (with the car) or hearing me out (when I said about the tough year) he has to get his point in about how he’s done better / worse. These are just a few examples, I could probably think of loads more.

when he does these interruptions, I let it slide, I don’t pull the conversation back to myself - but I’ve started noticing them more and more and doing an internal eye roll.

Other than this, we have a good time together and I enjoy his company, I just wish we could have conversations that flow where we each say about our experiences instead of him cutting over me and proving how he’s ’out done’ me.

my aibu - this is a red flag. Or am I noticing something that’s not really an issue, he’s just making conversation

Sorry, he sounds like a dick

I don't think that is going to get better...

Ahh, if you’ve been to Tenerife he’s been to Elevenarife, very wearing.
I would either raise it and see if he can improve on his rudeness, or just throw him back.
Usually people with such bad social skills at this point in life (I’m guess 40+) are unlikely to change sadly.

Chat gpt’s opinion on this is that he may be insecure… (yes, I’m sad enough to have asked AI about this!)

Any man that commented on an expensive handbag would be a no from me. Don’t know what’s tackier the glaringly obvious expensive handbag or him noticing it!

In the bin! He sounds extremely irritating.

If he is really nice in other ways I would talk to him about this to give him a chance to work on it before binning him off.

He’s insecure and trying to trump you all the time has already become tedious.

Reminds me is a chap we used to call ‘Topper’ because he was always trying to ‘top’ people and the his achievements.

It all came to a head when at the end of a film when the credits rolled up, ‘Filmed in Panavision’ one wag turned to him and said, ‘I bet you’ve been there on holiday!’ 😬

Things are I’ll not improve as he clearly has a chip on his shoulder

Elevenerife is a recognised term like wild said, he will always try to one upmanship you. It isn't a competition. If you really like him then ask him is he aware that he does this? Sometimes behaviour is so ingrained they don't know they are doing it. What have you got to loose?

To be quite honest OP, if that long list of twattish behaviour is what you consider “going well” then I think you need to raise your standards! He will only get worse.

I can't stand this in a person! Used to work with someone like that. No way could I be arsed with that in a relationship...yes I'd point it out and give him one final chance. Life is too short to waste on someone that's not right, I know it's really hard to dump someone but do yourself a favour & don't drag it out. You need a good listener, that is the bare minimum of a relationship!.

Yuck. You’ve found Mr “thirteenarife”. Bin immediately because they don’t improve.

He isn’t happy for you, he is threatened by you. This is a massive, serious red flag

Oh he's awful! Imagine that for the rest of your life? Any promotion you got, he'd have to either beat you or put you down. Anything nice you did in the house he'd say it was his idea and he paid for it. He's so insecure. Throw him back in the sea.

Worked with someone like this I used to try and avoid like the plague and I was paid to be there.
Couldn't listen to that on a voluntary basis it wears thin very quickly.

Ah @WildWildHorses beat me to it.

Severe case of "Elevenerife". Up to you if you can live with it.

I personally would throw this one back...

edited to add both the expensive kitchen and handbag comments are like red flags flying from the Eiffel Tower

You’ve just reminded me of my ex who used to start a big argument every time I had to attend a board meeting in work, it’s like he wanted to make me feel anxious and upset before an important meeting… I know how to pick them!

Dating in your 40s is so tough, this is the first guy I’ve met who isn’t a player and we have similar interests and life goals, but to answer your question - no, I couldn’t live with this for the rest of my life.

You don't make conversation by interrupting and talking over someone unless you're a dick.

My ex was like this. I'd mention I've had a headache all day and he'd say he'd had a migraine 🙄
It wasn't insecurity with him though, he always had to fucking win. No matter what. Ex pro footballer, everything was a competition.

Are you going out with Jay from the Inbetweeners?

I’ve only ever bought one car in my life and it was such a massive expense and a big deal, and I was thrilled with it. So was my husband on my behalf. What a wanker to say nothing at all. He’s jealous of you and can’t bear it unless it’s all about him. Throw this one back.

I dated someone like this. It doesn’t get better and only gets worse.

I remember the time he came to my new home, that I bought following my divorce and it nearly broke me to get to that point. He walked in and automatically started to pick fault.

He saw every achievement of mine as a slight on him and the very mention of me getting a new role that would mean I earned more money than him, destroyed him.

and in time his resentment built- he would put me down about my looks, personality, parenting skills (thankfully I didn’t have children with him!)

Walk away now.

Gosh he sounds so irritating, id have to tell him its not working, its you not me!

Insufferable. Definitely get rid, it only gets worse.

well yeah he probably is, but you’re not his therapist.