Crush on my therapist

[emilyinlondonx]

I’m feeling a bit lost and need some outside perspective. I’ve started therapy a few months ago and I think I’ve developed what’s known as transference. But it feels more than that!!! I’ve got a proper, huge crush on my therapist.

I’m a married woman, and she’s also a woman (she presents quite masculine, which is part of the attraction for me, I think). I know therapists are trained to be warm and attentive, but I honestly really enjoy her company, we have the same sense of humour and I look forward to the sessions in a way that feels more like anticipation for her than for the therapy itself. It’s gotten to the point where I sometimes wonder if I’m continuing the therapy partly just to spend time with her.

I don’t want to stop therapy with her as she’s genuinely helping me believe it or not, and I don’t want to lose that support. But I also can’t ignore the fact that I have these strong feelings and they’re confusing me. I’m married, yet I catch myself daydreaming about her.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Did the crush fade with time, or did you address it with your therapist? And for any therapists here- have you had clients develop feelings like this, and how did you handle it?
Please no judgment!!! I feel a bit embarrassed even typing this out, but I really need to know I’m not the only one.

It's quite common (and normal) for people to develop feelings for their therapist. Talk to her about it, she should, if she is suitably trained and supervised, be used to this .

I’m silently judging you, you’re not going to get any benefit from therapy if you continue with this practitioner and you need to prioritise sorting out what led you to therapy first.

Thanks, I know you’re right that therapists are trained for this and wouldn’t be shocked. The thing I struggle with is right now we have such a good relationship between us and I really enjoy our banter. I’m scared that if I bring up my feelings it’ll make things awkward and I’ll lose that nice connection we have. So I’m torn as part of me wants to be honest, but part of me feels like maybe I should just keep it to myself and hope the crush fades. Also super embarrassed anyway!!

I hear you. I know the crush is a distraction, but I don’t actually feel like therapy with her is pointless, I am getting a lot out of it. That’s partly why it’s confusing, because she’s helping me, but I also can’t ignore the feelings I have. I guess I was hoping to hear from people who’ve been in a similar situation and how they managed it, rather than feeling I need to quit straight away

This is perfectly normal in therapy.

Thanks that’s comforting to hear. I’ve read that transference is common, but it feels so intense that I start doubting myself.

Kindly, she probably says that to all her clients, she's trained (hopefully) to make connections with people and put them at their ease.

I was going to say this sounds like normal transference and just talk to her about it, but some of the “banter” sounds like it’s close to, if not across, the line into unprofessional on her part. Especially saying she’d still chat with you if she wasn’t being paid. Maybe try talking to her and telling her how her saying that makes you feel. But actually I might be trying to decide whether this is working, after such a short time seeing her, or whether you should cut your losses and find another therapist.

It's quite common to develop a crush on a therapist. The good thing is that you recognise it, but you may need to address it by voicing your concerns to the therapist, I bet she's heard it before, or changing your therapist.

An (ex) friend developed a crush on her therapist. She made his life an utter misery, followed him home/stalked him/kept turning up at his house/caused issues in his marriage. Eventually, the therapist involved the police. My ex-friend got off lightly with a stern warning from the police.

Yeah you’re probably right. I think that’s why it’s confusing though because even though on my part because I know it means nothing haha. Never experienced anything like this of course.

You say that she's helping you, be careful that you are sure she really is and it's not just your crush talking.
You do need to tell her, get it out in the open before it gets out of hand.

That’s really helpful to hear, thank you. I don’t think she’s being inappropriate, but it does leave me feeling a bit confused. I guess that’s why I’m torn. I have been seeing her weekly for around 6 months now. I started having this crush around 3 months ago.

Oh gosh. I do realise there are extreme cases like the one you describe, but I’m definitely not in that category- I would never cross boundaries. For me it’s more an internal struggle, because I know she’s helping me a lot but I also have a big crush that makes it confusing. I just want to handle it in the right way without ruining the therapeutic relationship.

I do feel I’m benefitting from her more than I have from any other therapist, she has given be excellent tools 6 months. I leave sessions feeling lighter. The crush is definitely a distraction though, and I suppose that’s why I posted.

It's limerance, you are probably going to have to change your therapist.

It's good that she has helped, although not good (unbeknownst to her) that you now feel like this..

Thanks I hadn’t heard the word limerence before. I can see how some of what I’m feeling fits that description.

But the thing is, your strong feelings are a problem and could get more complicated as time goes on - meanwhile you just won’t digest the therapy. You should take out any unnecessary complications and perhaps introspect why you developed feelings in an inappropriate situation.

I tried CBT before and there were times I dreaded speaking to my practitioner cause they’d challenge my thought process; I definitely wouldn’t have got the full effect if I was attending purely to feel closer to them or to hear their voice or spend time together or whatever. I don’t think your therapist is effectively doing their job, if your feelings have crossed a line. IMO a good therapist sets a boundary. You shouldn’t know enough about them to figure out their sense of humour or what makes them tick etc they should basically be a generic medical professional and be the one guiding you to feel comfortable without being overly personable.

Yes. I am also a married woman (to a man) lol.

I get what you’re saying and I can see why it might look that way from the outside. The feelings are confusing, yes. I think she’s just naturally personable, which makes me feel more at ease and maybe that’s why the crush developed. I don’t feel like she’s crossed a line in a bad way.

I don't understand what you mean when you say you enjoy her company. She's a therapist, not your friend. The only time you should be in her company is when you're receiving therapy. Those are not social visits.

It's incredibly common for people to develop feelings for a therapist so much so that there's a name for it, transference. They're not real feelings, but it's unlikely that you're going to get anything out of continuing to have therapy with her so probably you need to let her know that you're having these feelings and have her help you find a new therapist.

I know the therapeutic relationship isn’t the same as friendship or social visits. I just meant that I find our sessions pleasant as well as helpful, which probably makes the feelings stronger. I know it’s called transference and that it’s common, but the feelings still feel very real to me, even if they’re part of the process.

Therapists need to get you to trust them and open up, but there’s no need for them to like cultivate an overfamiliar environment. Like she’s more in control of that, then you’re probably giving her credit for. She knows she isn’t going to be able to deliver therapy if you don’t open up, so she portrayed herself in a manner designed to get you to open up sort of thing.

Thanks for your response. You’re right, she probably is using that warmth to help me feel comfortable enough to open up. I guess because I respond so strongly to it, I’ve ended up developing feelings, even though logically I know she’s just doing her job. That’s what makes it all so confusing, because it feels genuine on my side even if it’s professional on hers LOL.

i’m sorry but it sounds like when men think an escort enjoys being with them.