Crush on my therapist

[emilyinlondonx]

I’m feeling a bit lost and need some outside perspective. I’ve started therapy a few months ago and I think I’ve developed what’s known as transference. But it feels more than that!!! I’ve got a proper, huge crush on my therapist.

I’m a married woman, and she’s also a woman (she presents quite masculine, which is part of the attraction for me, I think). I know therapists are trained to be warm and attentive, but I honestly really enjoy her company, we have the same sense of humour and I look forward to the sessions in a way that feels more like anticipation for her than for the therapy itself. It’s gotten to the point where I sometimes wonder if I’m continuing the therapy partly just to spend time with her.

I don’t want to stop therapy with her as she’s genuinely helping me believe it or not, and I don’t want to lose that support. But I also can’t ignore the fact that I have these strong feelings and they’re confusing me. I’m married, yet I catch myself daydreaming about her.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Did the crush fade with time, or did you address it with your therapist? And for any therapists here- have you had clients develop feelings like this, and how did you handle it?
Please no judgment!!! I feel a bit embarrassed even typing this out, but I really need to know I’m not the only one.

That’s really interesting. I hadn’t thought about it like that, I just assumed because I talk about my husband a lot, she probably sees me as just a straight married patient and that is all. Maybe you’re right though, maybe on some level she has picked up on it without me realising. It makes me feel a bit less awkward to think she might already be attuned in some way.

a) It's demonstrably not silent as you've posted about it.
b) What you say is demonstrably untrue. Transference and counter transference are essential, integral parts of various modes of therapy.

You could just say I think I’m experiencing transference. Say you want help with it. Think that’s what I did.

Honestly just write it down! That's what I used to do for difficult conversations with my therapist. I've known her for about 7 years now so can pretty much say anything to her comfortably, but it took a long time to get there. Your relationship will survive. I've told my therapist I wished she was my mum. I've told her that I wish she could hug me and stroke my hair. I've told her I'm angry at her. I've told her she has a blank face which makes me panic.

The point is, I've said all kinds of things in the context of transference. A good therapist will respond with curiosity, warmth, and kindness, and will help you think about what exactly it is you are projecting on to them. There is no weird in therapy. As long as you are being respectful, you are fine.

Thank you. Saying ‘I think I’m experiencing transference’ feels a lot less exposing than blurting out ‘I’ve got a crush on you.’ I still feel nervous about bringing it up, but maybe that wording could make it easier. I do tend to overthink and catastrophise everything lol (hence the therapy 😅)

Yep it’s happened to me too. One therapist was a woman (I’m straight, she was a gorgeous lesbian) and the other an overweight man who I didn’t feel physically attracted to but I was so keen on impressing him.

Therapy is a wild ride, it’s like you have an intimate partner ship with them and they know more about you than most of your loved ones. It’s that intimacy that you mistake for a crush. It will make sense when you stop!

I remember having something similar with my therapist...and I remember saying "but I think I would like you to be my friend" and her smiling and saying that it was good to have told her that, and that she understood, and we went on to discuss why I would have wanted her to be my friend...and thus what I hadn't got from actual friends, or was afraid of wanting from them and so on...so it was all really helpful, and very definitely a big step forward for me.

It feels embarrassing but it's part of the therapeutic process - allowing yourself to have feelings - and exploring them, and why you have them, is why you are in therapy!

All the very best for when you talk to her about it, I'm sure it will be fine and you - and she - will be glad you did.

This is actually really comforting to read, thank you. I think you’re right about the intimacy side of it- she definitely knows more about me than most of my loved ones, and that probably feeds into the feelings. It helps to know others have been through similar and that it eventually makes more sense once you step back.

Thank you! It helps to hear someone describe how they named it, how the therapist responded, and how it turned into useful work about needs and boundaries. You're right- that is what therapy is for!!!!

I see you’ve edited your earlier post OP to remove the reference to the things your therapist says to you.

I don’t actually think they’re appropriate at all, tbh.

I know it’s their job to establish a rapport but that can be done without crossing boundaries imo. The therapist is essentially suggesting that you’re special to her ie/she’d spend time with you even if she wasn’t being paid. I also think that saying to a client that they enjoyed the session is wildly inappropriate- this could lead to a client feeling obliged that they have to make it pleasant and fun for the therapist. I think it’s fine to say to a client “great session, you made huge progress today” - but for a therapist to tell a client they had “an amazing time today” - I think that’s really unprofessional and deeply inappropriate.

I also suspect that what the therapist has been saying to you has triggered/contributed to your feelings.

I also think that because of your feelings, you’re too close to view this accurately. You say you’re getting loads out of these sessions but I wonder if that’s really still the case and if you’re making the progress you should.

Given what the therapist is saying to you, I don’t think this is a straightforward case of transference. I think there’s unprofessional conduct and I think you’d be better with a new therapist.

OP has others have said this is transference .

Your response is normal as you think someone that is warm, approachable, empathetic and listens to your problems along with being friendly has feelings.

She doesn’t/. She is paid to do those things and to get you to open up. The strength of your feelings shouldnt be confused with any emotion on her side.

Yes I edited because I realised I’d probably given too much detail and I didn’t want my post to be too identifying. I do get what you’re saying about professionalism, but honestly, I didn’t take it as her suggesting I’m ‘special’, it just felt like light banter to ease the end of the session. She does sometimes make casual jokes and part of me would love to share them here to see if outside perspectives would think they’re unprofessional, but I’m worried about being too identifying.

I had this. Didn't mention it to my therapist but asked myself what I was responding to so strongly in him that was perhaps lacking in my relationship with DH. We vaguely knew each other through our DC sport so I had met his wife etc which helped me remember that he was a real person with a family and talking to me was his job. Eventually I started to notice things that irritated me and then he moved from that practice and it was a natural stopping point.

Sorry, just to be clear, I wasn’t being critical of you editing and removing the quotes of what the therapist has said.

But I do think that the details you gave put things in a very different light. If that information had been in your opening post, I think you may have gotten different replies.

I don’t think what you quoted is “light banter” - I really do think it’s unprofessional. I really, really do. It’s not a casual joke - she’s implying that unlike her other clients, she’d spend time with you even without being paid. Her telling you that she had an “amazing time today”. You’re not there to provide her with an amazing time and her stating that does place an obligation on you for future sessions.

Please don’t think I’m being critical of you - you’ve done nothing wrong here.

I think you’re too close to see this isn’t how a professional therapist should behave.

Are you worried about her finding this thread?

I'm pretty sure I have a crush on my personal trainer - I reason with myself though every time that its not real, its just because he's being paid to be a friendly encouraging person that I feel this way. Its his job to make me feel good about myself. I look forward to the sessions - I am equating him with the feel-good endorphins of exercise - I always feel good when I'm around him because of the exercise. He 100% improves my life. And in any other circumstance someone who makes me feel like that would probably be classed as a good friend, or a potential love interest, but because its his job it can of course never be that way. Its a complex feeling, one similar to what you describe I think.

We have such a laugh together. Been going to him for over two years - we talk about day to day stuff and thats included bereavements, job stress, family issues, all sorts. Just chat, but I've spent literally hours and hours with the man, so I feel like I know him really well and vice versa. But also its his job to do this. So I also struggle with like...Is any of this real? Is he just being nice to me because I pay him? etc. Yet he seems so open with me too, and sometimes he says "It should be me paying you for these sessions!" if we've been chatting about his life in between workouts. Its complex.

I'm in the best shape of my life so I will keep going to him because he's great at his job. Just need to keep the transference feelings in a box far away and keep reminding myself that its his job, and its not real life. He has helped me achieve great things and I have paid him handsomely, so I just try and keep it transactional in my head.

Transference is fine and normal, but, like other posters, I feel a bit surprised by the reference to 'banter' and a 'shared sense of humour'. But also, I'm troubled when you say, in one or two posts, that you are worried about destroying the 'ease' of the relationship.
I don't really think that 'ease' is something that you should be seeking to preserve. Obviously you need to trust her, and feel aware of her concern, commitment and warmth. But the relationship should also be a challenge. And one of the key areas of challenge is precisely tackling the uncomfortable transference-related thoughts and feelings that come up. That is a big part of what the therapist is providing you - she is a canvas for transferred feelings that can be noticed in the session and fully experienced, as the raw material for change.

If a desire to preserve 'ease' is stopping you do that, then I would think that you are perhaps holding back from what the therapy demands of you.

So I definitely think you should be opening up to her. I think it would be good to work out a form of words that would help you to begin opening up.

Coming back to 'banter', in my sessions with an NHS therapist there was absolutely zero banter. I think that my therapist would probably have resisted it if I had tried to introduce any talk of that sort. But, also, I think I myself also created strict prohibitions on any kind of talk that wasn't part of the therapeutic process.

That was because I felt so very very conscious of not wanting to seem too needy, of wanting to reassure her that I would respect distance. Clearly, that very consciousness was evidence of how very much I wanted to ask for more, more, MORE from her. It wasn't an erotic transference. I just wanted her. I think she pursued it in terms of a rehash of feelings about my mother.

Go for it, talk to her about your feelings. It is part of the work of therapy.

Please don’t feel embarrassed @emilyinlondonx and please ignore a few of the ridiculously unfair and dismissive comments on here!
When you think about it, it is hardly surprising that this can happen when you’re maybe feeling emotionally vulnerable and there is someone empathetic and (hopefully) kind listening. This is why you should not feel embarrassed, it is a completely normal and rational response to the situation. I think it is healthy that you have acknowledged these feelings to yourself as if you just repressed and denied having them it wouldn’t put you in a good place for therapy! I think it is important to recognise that this is not the same as you having developed a crush on a friend or colleague or whoever; it is specific and common to the therapist/patient situation. If you feel able to, I would imagine it might be helpful to let her know. If she is a good therapist, she will help you to understand and process and manage those feelings so they maybe don’t feel so overwhelming and all-encompassing. Good luck

Completely normal its called transference iv fell in love with every therapist iv ever had

It's called limerance, especially if it's obsessional thinking.

I went back and had a look at your edited post and can’t see anything wrong with the therapist at all. These are the kinds of things a warm, attentive parent might say to their child, and therapy is exactly about getting some of the juicy connection and attention you missed out on in childhood. That you and others 1) conflate emotional connection with sex and 2) judge it as wrong outside of a romantic partnership are problems that cause blockages in life relationships. Therapy will address the conflation and judgement and help you see a different, more satisfying way of having relationships.

They're two very different things and what op is describing is transference

Can’t people have crushes anymore? Unless it’s driving you to act on it I’d think it’s pretty normal.

Have you heard of Susie Orbach? She is a therapist who has done a number of books and programs on what therapy is like. I heard one programme on the radio where she was talking through transference with a client who was sure he was in love with her. It might be worth seeing if you could find it?

Just remember, therapy can be a very intense experience. Its not unusual for this to be focussed on the therapist. You dont really know her - you know the professional work her - not the whole her. Talk to her about what is going on - if she is qualified, she will be more than capable of talking you through it. The transference will fade.

Why does everybody have to have the same therapeutic relationship as you?

What is wrong with banter?

@M0ntezuma the post you’ve quoted says neither of the things you’ve questioned.