Crush on my therapist

[emilyinlondonx]

I’m feeling a bit lost and need some outside perspective. I’ve started therapy a few months ago and I think I’ve developed what’s known as transference. But it feels more than that!!! I’ve got a proper, huge crush on my therapist.

I’m a married woman, and she’s also a woman (she presents quite masculine, which is part of the attraction for me, I think). I know therapists are trained to be warm and attentive, but I honestly really enjoy her company, we have the same sense of humour and I look forward to the sessions in a way that feels more like anticipation for her than for the therapy itself. It’s gotten to the point where I sometimes wonder if I’m continuing the therapy partly just to spend time with her.

I don’t want to stop therapy with her as she’s genuinely helping me believe it or not, and I don’t want to lose that support. But I also can’t ignore the fact that I have these strong feelings and they’re confusing me. I’m married, yet I catch myself daydreaming about her.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Did the crush fade with time, or did you address it with your therapist? And for any therapists here- have you had clients develop feelings like this, and how did you handle it?
Please no judgment!!! I feel a bit embarrassed even typing this out, but I really need to know I’m not the only one.

Yes it does. You can be limerent for either sex. It's not about their sex It's about your brain reacting, have a good read up on it.
It's not uncommon for this to happen with people you share alot with and someone who sparks good feelings in you.
If you have ocd thoughts at all it's also quite common,as it can get obsessive.

You really need to cut the contact.

Yes but with respect and kindness you’re not going to benefit from someone who brings out these strong feelings in you for them. Eg if you had a therapist who didn’t bring out these feelings, this could have been a conversation you could bring up to them “why do I develop feelings so quickly and intensely in the wrong situations?”

That feels like a really dismissive comparison. Transference is actually a recognised and very common phenomenon in therapy.... some studies suggest up to 30–40% of clients experience it at some point. It’s not the same as imagining a professional ‘likes you back’, it’s about feelings being stirred up in the therapeutic relationship because of the dynamic.

I think it’s perfectly possible to work through transference/a crush and for the therapeutic relationship to emerge stronger. I’ve certainly had periods when it’s felt like I have a crush on my therapist and we have what I think some people would consider a weird dynamic but, ultimately, it works. I definitely found like the crush passed in time. I think he did something that I found quite irritating and the crush was immediately extinguished!

A good therapeutic relationship establishes a relationship with an empathetic person who listens to you in a safe space and isn't judging you.

Is that something you want? Since you've experienced it in your therapy space, you're bringing an emotional response to it, your crush.

Transference is a lot more common than people might think. Your therapist knows all about transference and has been trained to deal with it in a non disruptive way.

I think you need to bring it up with her and discuss some boundaries.

You have to remember they're not your friend and are doing a job.
As friendly as my therapist is she's guarded about certain details about herself and is vague about things.
I understand completely as she wouldn't want stalked or a client turning up in her private life.

Thank you, this is really reassuring to read!!! It helps to know that other people have experienced similar and it didn’t have to mean the end of therapy. I think you’re right, maybe in time the feelings will shift or fade, especially once the dynamic changes a bit. Can I ask, did you talk to your therapist directly about the crush at the time, or did you just let it run its course?

Yes I’ve have experienced this. It’s called erotic transference. We all transfer feelings all the time. I was honest about it, it was embarrassing initially, my therapist handled it really well, we’ve returned to the topic at different depths repeatedly over the years, and he’s always been totally professional about it. It’s normal. It can point to unfinished stuff from childhood. It’s very worth excavating with a professional who can handle it well. It’s normal for therapy to feel warm, inviting, validating etc, especially in the beginning when you’re establishing the relationship, but also normal to then go to dark and difficult places, like learning to feel the pain of being honest about your needs, wants, desires, and learning to feel okay with being rejected. This is how we grow tolerance for feeling and emotional resilience, and is all part of learning to feel and heal whatever has brought you into therapy in the first place.

You won’t find a lot of understanding about it all on Mumsnet tbh. Learn to weed through replies carefully if you really want to grow. Growth means learning to understand, tolerate and accept all parts of yourself, even the parts that feel uncomfortable and taboo, but there’s an awful lot of berating, skepticism, fragmentation here. You can use that as a yardstick - whether the reply is compassionate or not. (Compassionate means accepting all feelings, not condoning all actions).

That’s helpful to hear, thank you. I do want the safe, non-judgmental space you describe, and I think that’s exactly why I’ve developed these feelings. I know she’ll have been trained to handle transference but I guess my fear is that if I bring it up, it might make things awkward / ruin the ease we currently have.

Very normal and not at all embarrassing for the therapist to talk about. Completely understandable. Hope it gets easier for you.

Sorry but this isn’t true. Transference is normal , a sign of a good therapeutic relationship and a therapeutic tool to work through. I experienced it and my very experienced and highly trained therapist who provided supervision for the NHS was old, same sex and not even somebody I’d pick as a friend initially.I was totally honest and it was such a helpful stage of therapy. Came right out the other side.

It’s probable that your therapist is aware of what is going on for you. If you can, bringing it into the room might be helpful, so you can explore it.
It is transference, it’s normal. Sometimes it’s erotic transference like this, sometimes maternal etc. It also sounds as though she has been professional with you. I hope you are able to discuss it with her.

Wow. Thank you so much for this, it’s one of the most compassionate and helpful replies I’ve had. It makes me feel less alone knowing others have experienced erotic transference and worked through it without it ruining therapy!!!! I like what you said about it being worth excavating with a professional- that actually makes me think maybe I don’t need to run from these feelings, but use them to understand myself better. Can I ask, how did you first bring it up with your therapist? That’s the bit I feel so anxious about.

Thanks for your reply :) It helps to know transference can actually be part of the process rather than a reason to quit. I like what you said about it being a tool to work through... that makes me feel less like I’ve ‘failed’ at therapy by catching feelings. Can I ask how did you go about being honest with your therapist? It is a scsry thought for me.

OP ignore these kind of comments. Some people have no understanding of psychology or different modalities of therapy.

Your feelings are very common. I'm guessing this is an attachment based therapy, something like psychodynamic? A good therapist will welcome you bringing up these feelings as they are actually very helpful for the therapy and usually reveal someone thing about our unconscious states.

I see a private psychodynamic therapist, and experience a lot of maternal transference. We've talked about it a lot, and it's actually been a very us full part of my therapy.

Therapy isn't like seeing your GP. It's a professional relationship, but it's an intimate one. Some therapies rely on your interactions and feelings towards your therapist. Ignore anyone who is shaming you.

Transference is not a reason to cut off contact with a therapist. It’s a normal response, and where it can be worked with, can be very healing.
edited to add: limerence is different. There is no question here about whether the feeling is reciprocated: it’s not.

Yes, definitely don’t run, you’ll gather a lot of gold from facing it all. My therapist had an inkling and probed a little bit, which gave me confidence to open up more about it. You could just say you have something you find it difficult to talk about. I’ve had plenty of talks like that in therapy - discussing why I find it difficult to talk, then working through all the blocks, then suddenly it’s felt like there’s nothing in the way of talking through the really difficult thing. That can be weeks of work.

That’s interesting, but honestly I don’t think she’s picked up on it. She probably just sees me as a woman who’s married to a man, since I talk about my husband a lot in therapy. Maybe you’re right though, maybe I’m wrong- God knows!!!!

So talk to her about it.

Do you have email contact at all? That’s always my preferred medium for bringing up awkward things that I don’t know how to start talking about. Or, I’ve written something down in a session and handed it to my therapist to get the ball rolling.

This is really reassuring, thank you. My therapist actually describes herself as a holistic psychotherapist and she’s trained in humanistic counselling and existential psychotherapy. It helps to hear that this can actually be useful material in therapy, rather than something shameful or a reason to quit

I wouldn't be surprised that it's quite common. You are in an intimate setting with her, disclosing personal information and she is responding in a kind way. That's a natural setting for feelings to develop.

Not the same, but I remember developing feelings for my male piano teacher (first male one after many female) probably also due to the close proximity.

@emilyinlondonxshe may not be aware, but if she is working with her countertransference (how we respond to transference) she likely will have picked up on it in some way, even if not aware of the form it’s taking for you. It’s a huge part of how most therapists work, so she will be attuned.

Easier said than done! I know that’s the logical step, but it honestly feels really daunting. That’s why I was hoping to hear from people who’ve been through this themselves lol I’m trying to build up the courage without wrecking the dynamic we already have

Yes we email or text. Good idea.