What do you wish you’d taught your child earlier, now they’re a neurodiverse adult?

[Treaclebear]

I’m a mum to a young neurodiverse child and often wonder what skills or lessons will really help them later in life. For those of you whose neurodiverse children are now teenagers or adults what do you wish you’d taught or focused on earlier?

I’d love to hear what has made the biggest difference for your child’s independence, wellbeing, and happiness as they’ve grown.

I agree, I think it can be a massive benefit, if it works for them. Obviously there's no point making them go if they hate it. But it's a structured opportunity to socialise, often with some different people from school, it allows a lot of "doing things alongside others" rather than forcing people into full on team work a lot of the time and I found often the kids were pretty good at including others.

I wish I had encouraged mine to make and answer phone calls. She has such an aversion to making one it's awful, for her and me. She can answer the phone, but really would rather not have to.

Yes, I have someone who is somewhat PDA but with such soft character otherwise and can do so many things but let me say today: let me teach you this and all hell can erupt....

This is the worst & most horrible advice I’ve read. From a psychological perspective you are just creating a situation that will 100% lead to burn out and poor mental health. OP (& anyone) please please don’t do this. Your child & how they exist in the world is no more or less important than anyone else’s and forcing them to mask, etc leads to significant long term psychological damage.

Is there a reason for it though? I learned that the reason I hate phone calls is because I have audio processing disorder. I struggle to hear what people are saying unless I can see their lips.

my eldest (17) is going through diagnosis just now. Been on the waiting list for years and got fed up and are paying privately.

what I wished I done was taught how to organise using lists and planners

This. I've had some very intense therapy over the last year to address some of the damage done as a result of being a people pleaser who had no boundaries and always made excuses for others poor behaviour.

Find ways to fit in, mask and accommodate as best you can, rather than expecting the world to be open to you and your quirks because it isn't and won't be. Especially the world of work.

Bloody hell, this is terrible.

Let me tell you about working life, as opposed to school @AnxietySloth. You can choose what clothes to wear. You can set your priorities. You can choose the food you eat. You can work early in the morning, late at night, on projects followed by breaks or daily or every other day. You can choose to make no money and live in a caravan in an intentional community in rural Wales, or be self-employed as a stockbroker in Canary Wharf on a diet of Huel making ££££ by playing the market. You can meet people who you are interested in, rather than be forced to rub along with them for seven years at a time, and ditch people who aren't good company for you.

I've a Level 2 diagnosis (moderate needs). Put me in an office environment with a commute and that will be very apparent very quickly - too loud, too people-y, too much make-work usually. Instead, I run a small charity (not ND related) and help hundreds of people a week. Volunteers love me - they keep turning up, for one! - because I am straighttalking and everyone feels valued and knows that if a shift is on, there's work to do. In my spare time I walk dogs, and again I fly in my work because the owners know that they can set a clock by me and that I love their dogs like my own. I don't often disclose, but I do not give a moment's thought to fitting in. It's exhausting and unhelpful. I'm myself, I'm a good and valuable person as I am, and my values and norms are no less acceptable than NT ones. That's before you get to the fact that there are many ways my autistic brain is better in my lines of work.

I'm all for not using a diagnosis as an excuse and I hope that that's what you meant, but what you wrote doesn't sound like that.

I have a close friend with an autistic son. He is a young adult. I know she wishes that they didnt drive him everywhere all his life because it has really hindered his independence. Well, to be fair, maybe he would have never been able to cope with it but the truth is that other challenging social situations and tasks that he was exposed to a young age, he can cope with.

The problem now is that his lack of ability to travel is hindering his ability to reach his academic and career potential. He can use taxis/uber, but cost and reliability is still an issue. Especially as they've cracked down on car travel with road closures etc.

The issue he has with public transport are crowds, changes to schedule like diversions or sudden road closures. He can't reliably use apps like citymapper to plot a journey on the go. This makes him late for work/class and then it becomes an issue and he can't deal with the confrontation or the feeling that people are annoyed at him. Even when it goes well, the level of anxiety it causes means he is exhausted before he even gets there.

A lot of people are selfish or just aren't very nice, if people let you down it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you.

From another neurodiverse adult, this in spades.

Ben Affleck in the accountant, he plays an accountant wuth autism.

It's a fear of being told off or doing something wrong, and not knowing how to word things to get the help she might need. It's also not knowing what might be asked and something being said she wasn't prepared for. She also has mild hearing problems so that doesn't help.

Ah, yeah the surprise question thing is tough :/ I really hate work meetings because of that.

I also get the ‘not knowing how to word things’ part, especially in stressful situation. I end up sort of blundering my way through hard conversations with lots of ‘sorry I’m autistic’ 😅

95% of my important interactions are completed over email though. I’ve found companies are largely very accommodating if I explain that I’m autistic. I managed to remortgage my house via email and only had to take one phone call in the entire process 💪🏻

That's an important one.

I was really proud of DD in year 7 when her train from school was cancelled and she managed to switch to the tram instead. However, this didn't happen by magic - we'd been working hard on public transport skills well before secondary and she received a half day of "safer travel training" through her EHCP. One of the HLTAs had even talked her through the tram route and where to change.

She's lucky she's in London though with multiple options.

However, she's now more confident with public transport than neurotypical kids her own age who don't have the commute to school!

Why? It varies significantly and how it affects you changes at various points in life. All experiences are important and you can just take on what is relevant to you.

As a mum (and wife) of autistic people, I've got some good tips from the thread.

I am just one person with inattentive ADHD and possible ASD.

I think the main things for me were

How things work - could be anything from managing money, the world of work, relationships, friendships, politics, anything outside the family

What to expect in situations - DM did this really well for my first day of school but secondary I was not prepared at all

How to deal with bullies

Its okay to speak up

Positive self talk

Basic cooking skills for when I left home

Budgeting skills

Choosing a career

Navigating change and transition

How not to be influenced by TV (include social media for today)

To be honest, you are doing a good job if you are just parenting, and then you have a foundation to build on, reading a book about budgeting and telling them about it isn't going to result in practical skills but books on Amazon about ND parenting might help more on this.

I agree on travel - and any form of independent living skills.

I was lucky as we lived not that centrally. At 16 I left school (where I was driven) and had to get trains and buses everywhere - its no exaggeration when I tell you that I had a recurring ongoing nightmare dream about train stations on a regular basis! In one of my very early jobs, I had to get the tube all across London for meetings. So here I was able to build on the earlier travel skills. I have dozens of examples of this. I went backpacking around Europe when I was 19 navigating entirely by train. We had a school trip to France where a friend and I took a tube together (we got lost but did it!). I've now learned to drive age 40 and its been much harder to integrate this, part of me just really loves trains to be honest!

So navigating skills, independent travel skills, planning for and making journeys - buses, trains, map reading (loads of groups you can join for this), driving, I would say are so important. My life would be immeasurably less varied if I didn't have these skills.

More generally just taking an interest, asking questions, providing a structure.

I’m guiding not scouts but we have girls who struggle at school but have a safe space and friendships with us. Some leaders are ND.
If you are 12 or 13 and surrounded by girls at school into skincare etc and you aren’t it’s hard. Badges, structured activity and role models can make a massive difference. For those struggling going to uni the student scout & guide society can be a familiar safe environment to make friends.
Not saying it suits everyone but definitely worth a try.

I loved brownies as a child, wasn't keen on guides but went back to brownies as a young leader. It probably depends on the pack but mine was lovely.

I have read many of these with interest but each time think, would they remember? Is it that easy to teach someone to be so different to their natural selves? Surely, if you are suffering sensory overload or are feeling overwhelmed, we react irrationally, rather than thinking, oh what have I learnt about this situation? Changing fight or flight patterns of behaviour are not easy.

With my ADHD adult children, I would say what I have learnt is:

• They will find their own way of coping which suits them - just be there to support and praise (anything!) when the opportunity arises.
• Scoop the rock bottoms and try to set in place steps to help them maintain whatever you have supported them with, but let them do it.
• If they are not capable of keeping a place organised, clean and tidy, don't increase their anxiety levels by nagging.
• Praise what they do right to boost confidence and self-esteem.
• Choose your battles carefully - a good relationship benefits you all.
• When they are beating themselves up over something they have done, or not done, try to lesson the hyper focus and talk about remedy and reconciliation strategies.

I was recently late-diagnosed with severe ADHD, my mother also has severe ADHD that was never diagnosed growing up, and I have siblings with ADHD and autism.

I think the main thing would just be acknowledging that it is a difference, and that the symptoms are not failings - removing the shame, anger, feelings of failure, etc.

If my kids are also ND I will try not to get frustrated but try and support them with their struggles, and help instil routines that take the stress and overwhelm out of daily tasks and things like studying. I would also try not to be punitive and add more pressure when they are paralysed with overwhelm - something that helps me is having a reward BEFORE starting a task, to put me in a better and relaxed mood, which makes it easier to start.

This is all easier said than done, as I struggle myself. Medication is what makes my life manageable. I guess the main thing is that if my DCs are struggling I will have the awareness to have them assessed

Sadly our gp surgery has got rid of their online appointment system so if it's something that might be deemed urgent you need to call.
I have asked her to look at some sort of counselling, not cbt as she has tried that and it was awful, to help. She does agree as also thinks it's ridiculous to get so upset and anxious over a phone call.

This is great.

I have ADHD and can think of a billion things I could really have done with knowing and understanding by the time I reached adulthood, but realistically I wasn’t ready or able or interested enough to learn them by then (and certainly not from my own parents!)

Having grown up pre-YouTube, I learned most adult life stuff the hard way, by trial and lots of error and getting myself out of all sorts of self-induced fuck-ups - which ultimately helped me develop skills in resilience and problem solving and contingency planning.

Must have been terrifying for my parents at times.

I imagine kids now with so much information at their fingertips might find it easier to learn some skills (e.g. cooking, public transport, how to make a bed, how to budget, etc). But information overload is a problem in and of itself, and I wonder if it’s harder to build trust in your own judgement and capacity for critical thinking if so much of what you’ve learned has been through watching demos and being given instructions.