What do you wish you’d taught your child earlier, now they’re a neurodiverse adult?

[Treaclebear]

I’m a mum to a young neurodiverse child and often wonder what skills or lessons will really help them later in life. For those of you whose neurodiverse children are now teenagers or adults what do you wish you’d taught or focused on earlier?

I’d love to hear what has made the biggest difference for your child’s independence, wellbeing, and happiness as they’ve grown.

I think @KittyHighamis spot on, and this is what I’m aiming for with my DD.

Our son is autistic. He’s 9.

At the moment we’re trying to focus on shopping, in very small doses. He comes in with us, waits at the till, and is learning that it’s not his drink/snack etc until the card machine has beeped, then he can take it. There’s a patience lesson in there somewhere too.

We’re trying with road safety, and putting rubbish in the bin. Getting his own yoghurt out the fridge etc.

When he’s an adult we’d like him to be able to do basic household tasks like make small meals and snacks, shop with support, and some personal hygiene tasks, because one day we’d like him to live semi-independently.

Ideally I’d also like him to stop eating sand.

Better time keeping. My gosh my dc is late for everything. I’d be quite anxious to upset their structure that they set themselves in the mornings as this could provoke a meltdown and then it would be game over. But yeah I think maybe i should have been more insistent and helped them with it more.

and tidiness. They are so messy!. But I kinda let it go and picked up after them for a quiet life I suppose. That was not the right decision lol.

to accept themselves and understand the pitfalls

I totally agree.

I was living with domestic abuse and didn't realize until my lovely GP told me. Women with autism and ADHD tend to be people pleasers with low self esteem and tend not to understand non-verbal language so are more vulnerable to abuse. I did know that my relationship witb exDP wasn't very good but he convinced me that the problems we had were mostly down to me., which I now realize wasn't the case.

I was also being controlled by my narcissistic 'best friend'. While I was in the process of leaving exDP she made up a story about tbe place I was moving to was a brothel and drugs den. I had sleepless nights over it, worrying that I had made a terrible mistake. I eventually found out that the whole thing was a fabrication from beginning to end and when I complained to her, she turned it round on me and said she was devastated that I hadn't realized that she was trying to protect me and therefore wanted no more to do witb me. An actual real friend would have apologized and probably never have made up the story in the first place.

I'm now free of both of them, thank goodness!

@dizzydizzydizzy I'm glad you are free of them now, that sounds awful.

I agree about low self-esteem. There's a statistic somewhere about how people with ADHD receive vastly more criticism in their lives than others, so no wonder we often have low self-esteem.

I think for some of us we have experienced a lot of struggles, we know what that's like and naturally want to help others who we think are struggling. Which again can mean we might end up being taken in by quite emotionally manipulative people. This may also be as some of us might not pick up on lies and just take people at face value. I know this is a problem I have.

I guess another thing then is to always make sure your children feel able to come to you for guidance about relationships even as adults. I'd start talking to them about relationships and friendships from a young age, and keep that as an ongoing conversation. This may also be needed as some of us experience difficulties recognising our emotions so may not be as aware when someone does something to upset us.

we need to be positive about neurodiversity
no more Cant do, wont do,
more Can do, prefers to do, etc.,

Again totally agree.

I have terrible trouble recognizing my emotions. I know if they are positive or negative and that is about it. I think most people who know me know would be very surprised indeed to hear this because I am
very intelligent and well-educated, have lived in several other countries and am in my 50s. So in other words, I have been around the block quite a number of times.

As a neurodiverse adult with neurodiverse kids...

I think it's important to teach them not to lean on their diagnosis and their label and expect to be treated as 'special'. As much as the world pays lip service to inclusivity, it is in fact not an inclusive place. Find ways to fit in, mask and accommodate as best you can, rather than expecting the world to be open to you and your quirks because it isn't and won't be. Especially the world of work. A LOT of people won't like me saying this, but I think it's important to be realistic. If you truly want your child to succeed in a neurotypical world, you have to teach them the spaces where it's safe and ok to be themselves and the spaces where they're going to have to fit in as best they can, and give them strategies to manage this.

All of your responses are truly inspirational and give us mums so much hope. Thank you for sharing I’m really grateful for all your advice.

You're welcome OP. Another one to add if this isn't already something you're thinking about: focus on strengths. Many of us have a "spiky profile" so we're not typically all-rounders. We can be much more confident in life and do much better when we are able to follow our strengths and interests, rather than being expected to "level out" in education.

Strong agree
Ime being autistic can make you feel inferior and insecure and lead to fawning /people pleasing to the detriment of your own wellbeing.

Pacing yourself and recognising it's OK to want to spend time alone to decompress.

Mine are not yet adults so we're working on this too.
Apart from basic life skills like cooking and shopping the most important thing here right now is understanding. Understanding why they act/react differently to others and how to navigate that. As well as how to manage their spoons.

Giving them as much control as possible - letting them make their own decisions with age appropriate help. Recognising that they may take longer with emotional maturity and allowing them to be more clingy than others for their age. Supporting them with things and gradually developing their life skills. Not pushing against their wishes. Getting them medical help when needed.

One would be around setting boundaries, and healthy relationships, recognising red flags.

this with bells on!

I would recommend music, drama, sport. As a pp said about Scouts etc, these are hugely helpful for socialising in a group with clear rules.

DD has gained hugely from music theatre.

My 19 year old son is autistic and can't do shoe laces.. probably never will

On the NHS, autism is usually diagnosed simply as Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) – not as “high-functioning” or “low-functioning.”

The NHS tends to describe a person’s individual support needs instead of formally labelling them “Level 1/2/3.”

Hopefully that clears things up for you…

My ex is autistic. We didn't really realise until our second baby came along and the first was a toddler. The increase in general day to day noise and busy-ness was a massive trigger for him. The kids are now teens and he cannot tolerate them a lot of the time.

I wish he had known that he didn't have to have a family, or live with other people, and that it's perfectly ok to want to be on your own. If he'd known this, he would have never had a family. He would have been much happier and calmer, not literally covering his ears when the kids were near.

He would have been happy living his own life.

But people often try to make their ND kids, friends and partners 'join in' - encouraging them to go to social events because most NT people like to do that.

Allow your child to be who they are and to do what they like doing. Don't force them into the role you think they should have.

Same here, I made a conscious decision not to have conflict about mess ( a big issue in my childhood) as just getting through the day without multiple meltdowns was sometimes difficult enough! My oldest is very demand avoidant so I couldn’t insist on too much from him, which meant I couldn’t ask the others either! Unfortunately the oldest is living at home while studying and is still messy and a bit lacking in life skills, DH and I can feel a bit like staff! He has progressed in lots of other areas by his own efforts, he seems to be able to progress but only in one thing at a time.

Interesting thread.

My teen is high functioning so our experience may not necessarily be relevant to you.

Things that helped:

Talking about emotions from an early age (eg I can tell you are sad because…) and expressing feelings, really modelling it all the time.

Giving him a stress free home as much as possible, not making too many demands.

With that though, absolute non-negotiables eg self care, grooming, clean clothes, bed time. He’s very good even now age 17 years. Clean room when he was younger - he chooses when to clean, which is not often as I like.

I wish we were more persistent with his eating. Not sure how. It kills me that he eats processed beige food while we eat super healthily.

And yet there is a difference in the way people present and how much support they need.

My son will most likely be able to lead an independent life, his cousin- not so much.

I describe my teen as high functioning because that was how he was described by his paediatrician when he was diagnosed all those years ago. I know that isn’t the case any more.

Actually, I am interested to know how much support parents get these days from NHS etc after diagnosis because when my son was given the diagnosis, we were left to just get with it.

What do you do if they just do not want to learn

Amazing advice. Thank you all. I’m finding this very useful for my youngest child

Nor can mine, 17 years old. We tried and tried, but nope, he just can’t do them. His dyspraxia doesn’t help.

Thank goodness for step in shoes! Game changer.