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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my DHs little gambling habit is actually a massive problem

80 replies

Aaromroad · 18/09/2025 11:12

Hi all

We only moved a few weeks ago and I wanted a fresh start but I have just seen £200 gone from our account. DH says it was nothing to worry about and that it was just a bet on last nights football. He says everyone does it and I am making a fuss. I dont think I am. £200 is not nothing when we are trying to get settled and pay bills.

He calls it a hobby. I call it a problem. He has promised before that he would stop and here we are again. Im sick of feeling like I am the one who has to watch every penny while he shrugs it off. The worst bit is he acts like Im the one nagging when all I want is for us to have some stability.

Am I being unreasonable to think this is more than just a flutter and that I need to put my foot down before it gets worse

OP posts:

PenguinPool · 18/09/2025 23:13

Unfortunately as you're married you can't really separate your finances in the sense of protecting yourself from the consequences of his gambling and likely debts. You can open separate bank accounts and move money around, but the money in those accounts would still be regarded as joint marital assets.
I was in a similar situation and had to face the hard reality that the only way the DC and I could be financially secure was to divorce DH.

WatchingTheDetective · 18/09/2025 23:34

You can't make him stop gambling just as you can't stop an alcoholic from drinking. They have to want it themselves and your husband doesn't want to stop. If you need to stay with him then you have to separate finances but I'm warning you he will take out credit cards And go into debt in order to gamble. The only thing you can do is to actually get divorced so that you are financially separated. You can still continue to live together if you want but at least you're not going to be liable for any of his debts.

Rainbowqueeen · 19/09/2025 00:29

I'm so sorry OP. I get that this is a lot to deal with but for the sake of your DC you really need to.

If you are married it's not possible to separate your finances. You need to actually separate. Otherwise the debt is also yours.

Please follow up the resources that have been suggested to you and also speak to CAB and women's aid about what benefits you would be entitled to as a single parent. He has made it clear that he has no intention of changing. If you want your DC to have a decent life then it's up to you.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 19/09/2025 09:06

Zilla1 · 18/09/2025 16:25

As it seems understandably important, if you want to keep the appearance of joint finances but manage the risk of 'surprises', could you set up a new account in your name, migrate the debits into that, transfer enough money immediately on the payday(s) to cover bills and essential spending and some personal spending for you then the existing joint account becomes in practice the account for non-essentials. If there is a problem then this manages the consequences and in the short term it reduces the 'you don't trust me' conflict as there's still a joint account. Perhaps leave an unimportant debit or two in you can then pay if the money disappears on gambling. There's still a behavioural problem if he clears it out as it looks like his spent your discretionary expenditure so you still appear to have skin in the game rather than having an account he can think he can empty without consequences? Unsatisfactory but am just trying to grasp at straws to help. Good luck.

This is a really good idea.

@Aaromroad If you separate finances, so that you each get your income paid into your own accounts, you will have a devil of a job to get him to pay over his fair share into the joint account.
Whereas this way, all income stays going into the joint account, but you then immediately transfer the "family" money for bills and shopping into a fourth account in your name only that he can't access. The residual in the joint is then the 'family fun money', which he WILL spend, but at least you know the essentials are safely covered.

Of course, this is only a temporary fix. As others have said, he will take out credit cards and loans to gamble, get into huge amounts of debt (tens and tens of thousands, as much as anyone will lend him), and the debit will be jointly yours because you are married.

Read that again: the debt will be jointly yours, because you are married.
Eventually you will have to sell the house to pay the debts, go into a rented home, and he might still be gambling.

Divorce him, even if you stay living together.

Woodfiresareamazing · 22/02/2026 21:00

Aaromroad · 18/09/2025 14:28

Thanks again for all the replies. I’ve read through and it’s honestly a bit overwhelming but also really helpful.

To answer a couple of points, no we cannot afford to just lose £200. It’s money that should be going towards bills and food. That’s why I felt sick when I saw it. We don’t have loads of spare cash.

I haven’t added up what he’s spent over months, partly because I’m scared of what I might find. This is the first time I’ve actually caught him taking such a big amount straight from our account but I know he’s done smaller bets before. He always says it’s just a one off.

I feel like I’m banging my head against a wall. I try to talk calmly and it ends up with him telling me I’m making a mountain out of nothing. He gets defensive and I end up doubting myself. Reading these replies makes me realise I’m not going mad and it isn’t normal.

Separating finances seems like the only way forward but I’m frightened of what that says about our marriage. We’ve only just moved and I wanted us to start fresh. Now I’m worried we’ve brought all the old problems with us.

I don’t know how to even raise the idea of looking at his betting accounts. I can already hear him saying I don’t trust him. But deep down I don’t, not on this.

OP, you need to work out what he has spent/lost on gambling over the last 12 months.
If he accuses you of not trusting him, tell him no, at the moment you don't. Because after all the expense of a recent move, he just blew £200 on a football bet.

Your DH is of course minimising the issue, trying to normalise gambling £100s of pounds the family needs, and trying to make this your problem ie you're too controlling.

If you show him in black and white how much money he has wasted on gambling in the last year, he can't argue against that.
You could also work out how much you have spent on yourself over the same amount of time.

Freeze the joint account and make him set up a monthly transfer into your account for all bills/food etc.

Good luck OP 💐

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