To think my DHs little gambling habit is actually a massive problem

[Aaromroad]

Hi all

We only moved a few weeks ago and I wanted a fresh start but I have just seen £200 gone from our account. DH says it was nothing to worry about and that it was just a bet on last nights football. He says everyone does it and I am making a fuss. I dont think I am. £200 is not nothing when we are trying to get settled and pay bills.

He calls it a hobby. I call it a problem. He has promised before that he would stop and here we are again. Im sick of feeling like I am the one who has to watch every penny while he shrugs it off. The worst bit is he acts like Im the one nagging when all I want is for us to have some stability.

Am I being unreasonable to think this is more than just a flutter and that I need to put my foot down before it gets worse

He's a gambling addict, and unless he addresses it and gets help, this will be the future, but it'll be more money, more lies and a miserable life for you.
All addicts lie to feed their addiction - he may already be deep in debt, and be borrowing off friends and family.
Some good resources here, if he's willing to seek help.
If not, it night be best to think about how to leave and move on.

No such thing as ‘a little gambling habit’ . A gambling habit is an addiction, and not everyone does it. In fact, I don’t know anyone who does. Maybe people will have the odd flutter on the Grand National, but even then it’s twenty pounds here and there. I’m guessing he didn’t win.

Thanks again for all the replies. I’ve read through and it’s honestly a bit overwhelming but also really helpful.

To answer a couple of points, no we cannot afford to just lose £200. It’s money that should be going towards bills and food. That’s why I felt sick when I saw it. We don’t have loads of spare cash.

I haven’t added up what he’s spent over months, partly because I’m scared of what I might find. This is the first time I’ve actually caught him taking such a big amount straight from our account but I know he’s done smaller bets before. He always says it’s just a one off.

I feel like I’m banging my head against a wall. I try to talk calmly and it ends up with him telling me I’m making a mountain out of nothing. He gets defensive and I end up doubting myself. Reading these replies makes me realise I’m not going mad and it isn’t normal.

Separating finances seems like the only way forward but I’m frightened of what that says about our marriage. We’ve only just moved and I wanted us to start fresh. Now I’m worried we’ve brought all the old problems with us.

I don’t know how to even raise the idea of looking at his betting accounts. I can already hear him saying I don’t trust him. But deep down I don’t, not on this.

I don't think you'll find many couples where one of them can spend £200 from the joint account out of the blue without discussion or input from their other half, that's just partnership and good financial management not controlling/nagging/whatever else he's saying to shut you down.

I'm assuming this came out of the joint account and you don't have allocated funds for personal spends?
Any kids together?

When you tell him you’re separating the accounts and he protests, brush it off and tell him not to be controlling. You both put in proportional to your incomes and the rest is your own to spend as you like.

If it was just a hobby he'd bet £2

I realise this sounds dramatic, but that'd be a dealbreaker for me. I'd leave DH if he did that, or if I found out he'd set up a gambling account. I detest gambling, and any amount would be too much.

Tell him if it's no big deal you want an equal amount for your 'hobbies', every time he makes a bet you get to take out the same amount to spend how you like. If it leaves you short point out that he (and you) are using more money on hobbies than you can afford. You could just casually say I've taken £200 out of the account for a spa day, no big deal everyone does it. (You could just stash the money you take in another account.)

OP why would you think moving would solve your problems? Of course your problems are going to move with you unless they are nailed down in your previous location.

I suggest you get a grip on the extent of the gambling immediately and separate finances! My cleaner's husband got into gambling, he borrowed money to do it, got into debt and she's just had to sell her home in Portugal to cover the debts. It doesn't sound like your husband is anywhere near that level but I'd keep a very close eye on it. It can go downhill fast. Protect yourself and if you haven't already, don't have children with this man.

This does sound like an addiction - the minimising it as if it's nothing is a huge red flag.

My dp likes to have a bet on the horses - except it's probably been 4 times this year, never more than £25 spread over several horses and races. And he takes me to the bookies with him. This is one of the reasons I'm with him, the complete openness and honesty we have together.

I'd definitely be looking at separating finances. Have a joint bills account, and your own money. How would he react if you took £200 to do what you want with?

Kindly, moving house is not going to change an addiction, or disrespect within a relationship.

Quietly and calmly separate your finances and then take stock.

Yes it was the joint account. We don’t really have personal spends set aside, everything just goes in and then I try to manage bills and food and what’s left. That’s why it feels like such a big betrayal, because it isn’t “his” money, it’s ours.

We do have children and that’s part of what makes this so frightening. I don’t want them growing up seeing rows about money or worse, ending up dragged into the fallout if it all goes wrong.

I know moving didn’t magically fix anything. I hoped it would be a clean slate but of course the same problems are still here. Reading your replies makes it clearer that he’s not going to suddenly stop because I ask him to.

The idea of separating finances makes sense but also scares me. I can already imagine the argument if I suggest it. He’ll say I’m being controlling and dramatic. But you’re right, it isn’t controlling to want security for me and the kids.

I don’t think I’m ready to talk about leaving but I can see now that I need to protect myself and the children, financially at least.

As it seems understandably important, if you want to keep the appearance of joint finances but manage the risk of 'surprises', could you set up a new account in your name, migrate the debits into that, transfer enough money immediately on the payday(s) to cover bills and essential spending and some personal spending for you then the existing joint account becomes in practice the account for non-essentials. If there is a problem then this manages the consequences and in the short term it reduces the 'you don't trust me' conflict as there's still a joint account. Perhaps leave an unimportant debit or two in you can then pay if the money disappears on gambling. There's still a behavioural problem if he clears it out as it looks like his spent your discretionary expenditure so you still appear to have skin in the game rather than having an account he can think he can empty without consequences? Unsatisfactory but am just trying to grasp at straws to help. Good luck.

When gambling becomes a problem, it works like any other addiction. If someone questions your habits, then they clearly think it's an issue. If you're prepared to lie to yourself and others about it, and pretend it's nothing, then it genuinely is a problem.

I think £200 is a lot of money to spend on gambling especially if it was all lost.

To put things into context, earlier i was looking at very technical sleeping bags made of down, that packs down small for wild camping and weighs very little. This was something I have been agonising over but knew i would use in the years to come for i suppose a 'hobby'. It cost £200. I can afford it with absolute ease and i still deliberated for a ridiculous amount of time and reviewed lots of alternative options.

I ended a relationship with someone who gambled similar amounts to your partner. He said the same thing 'everyone does it'. I later learnt he filed for bankruptcy.

It's the losses that he makes that are important not the magnitude of any individual bet.

If he bets big then sooner or later he must win big unless he is awful at gambling. Where does that money end up ?

We make just under 300k gross and have 2 children under 4. In my marriage....

If my husband bet £200 on a football game or across the course of a month....
I'd be giving him an ultimatum: GA and no more gambling and I control all finances OR divorce

And I'd mean it.

YANBU. I wouldn’t live with anyone who does that.

That is a big bet!
I gamble a fair amount but it’s 20p bets on the horses, make use of free bets, etc. the most I put in is £5 a month but most of the time I’ve made that back.
Even when I go to the races in person, about 3 times a year, don’t gamble more than £50 in a day and feel like that is more than enough.

He’s in denial.

The red flag to me is you saying you moved for a fresh start. In Alcoholics Anonymous this is a well-known thing that addicts and partners do, and it’s called ‘doing a geographical’.

You took your problem with you. That problem is your husband.

Take steps now to safeguard the roof over your children’s heads. Addicts will take you down with them. Do not believe anything he says about money or gambling. You’ve been in a certain amount of denial yourself recently (not wanting to look at the true extent of the money going out) and now is the time to open your eyes.

Unless you are very rich that’s an insane amount to bet in one night. DH and I are pretty comfortable financially and he bets on sports as a hobby, but it’s £10 once or twice a month. Ultimately you can’t trust your DH with money, and this problem is not going to go away. Separating finances is a first step, separating altogether is probably the eventual conclusion I’m afraid. You’re not the first person to tread this path, it doesn’t generally end well.

That's utterly outrageous. We have plenty of disposable income and savings /investments and I would be disgusted if DH bet that much.

If it's money you needed for food then to me he has a gambling problem.
Could you speak to Gamblers Anonymous?

I would definitely change the finances so you each have a tiny bit of "pocket money" for personal spends and then a joint account for food and bills etc

I'd say, ok, I'll be having the same amount then ... we need to just be fair about these things.

Im not sure how letting him keep his own earnings would help. Surely if all the money goes in one pot you at least know what's going on.

Is he online gambling or going into the bookies? If online then it will show exactly how much he has deposited and how much he has withdrawn and the total difference between the two. Insist on looking at this together and depending on the amount you can then decide if he is right, you are overreacting and aside from this £200 its only been small amounts that don't add up to much and his nett loss isn't a huge amount or more likely you are right and it's added up to a lot more than he realises and you are right to be concerned. If he refuses to do this then you have no choice but to separate finances at the bare minimum as it will not stop until he admits he has a problem or you decide actually it's just a hobby that doesn't cost as much as you thought.

You can also put a deposit limit on online accounts, a total loss limit (so say you agree that you can afford for him to lose £1000 over a year, once he hits that total in losses, not deposits, it won't allow him to place any more bets) bare in mind though that if it is as you suspect a real problem and an addiction, he can increase his limits at anytime (there's a 24hr cooling off period before the new limit applies and you have to agree again to increase it once the 24hrs have passed) and there are literally hundreds of online gambling sites so if he hits his limit with one he can open a new account on a different site in literally under 5 minutes and crack on. I'm adding this information as gambling addicts who are not ready to admit they have a problem may try to convince you they are in control as look honey I know my limits see...but they are a bunch of crap, the limits only work for none addicts who are in control and gambling is actually a hobby where they only bet what they can afford to lose, for an addict they are just an illusion of being in control.

Gamstop (i think its called) is supposed to block you from setting up any online accounts with any gambling websites but I'm not sure how it works and how effective it is.

If it's not online and in the bookies then honestly that's harder as you would need to check through bank statements and he could genuinely or otherwise have withdrawn that cash for when he went for drinks/a meal with his mate for example and it'll be much much harder to quantify and see clearly if there is as big an issue as you fear.