Husband not been paying tax for years

[Shitsinthepost77]

I'm so worried and scared. Over a year ago two debt collectors came to our door and handed me a letter addressed to my husband. I opened it and it said we owed approx £500k to the taxman. I nearly collapsed.

When my husband came home I confronted him and he basically broke down saying he hadn't been paying tax on his Ltd company for about 5 years. He'd liquidised his company without my knowledge and taken me off as Company Secretary presumably so I wouldn't find out and to extricate me from any financial liability. We had to get a tax lawyer to negotiate on our behalf with the debt collectors and after many months of wrangling, my husband told me it was £64k we owed which we could put our savings towards and also set up a direct debit and pay the rest monthly.

Fast forward a year, I had two debt collectors standing at my front door. It turns out my husband has been lying about the amount owed...it's in actual fact £150k. I'm horrified, my heart's racing as I'm writing this. He told me over the phone he'd used £30k of our son's trust fund money towards it. He told me he's incapable of saying no to me (?!) and he knows he's got emotional problems.

I don't understand any of this...I'm in my 50s, yes, I like nice things (who doesn't) but never overspent in terms of the money that's in our account and was surplus after all bills are paid. He didn't come home last night, he's too ashamed and embarrassed and keeps telling me he's no good and I deserve better. I've been with this man for over 30 years and can't imagine life without him, although I massively resent him at this point.

I found out he'd taken his watch (a present for his 50th) to a pawnbroker to get a £1,500 per loan against the watch. He said it was to pay off the rest owed to the tax lawyer. I asked (shouted) why the hell did he not come to me as I'd managed to put some money aside. Again, he was too embarrassed and said he just wanted it sorted and out the way. I ended up giving him over £2k to get the watch back.

I'm worried sick. How on earth do I deal with this without knowing whether he's lying or not? I don't have access to his business account because I'm not company secretary. I have access to everything else (I think?).

I'm mostly disgusted at my son's trust fund. He's 21, and it was meant to be for a down payment on a flat at some point. Now there's nothing. My son's now aware of this and thinks I should leave his dad as he can't be trusted. What do you think? Any advice would be extremely welcome.

Well you need to sit down and work it all out, see if you can find any paperwork or figures. Sounds like you wouldn't leave him under any circumstances but you need to find a way to give your son that money too in your calculations - I couldn't get past that bit. If you were company secretary I assume you saw the accounts at some point and were able to understand them?

Many of my friends have marriages with all sorts of issues that they couldn't possibly leave as they'd have less money, don't want to be alone etc. and you sound like one of them. With bells on!

There are so many people on here saying leave him. I don’t agree I’m a similar age and also have been married over 30 years if my husband created this situation I wouldn’t just stop loving him, we’d work through it together and take things from there. Good luck to you all and I hope your future is filled with peace.

@Shitsinthepost77 I don't think I could come back from the lying nor the theft from your DS. If someone has lied to me that much, I wouldn't be able to trust them to tell me what day of the week it is, let alone life issues.

I hope you can somehow, save yourself and your DS without losing everything.

The fact that he continued to lie, even about how much the lawyer wrangled down the amount owed, is just mind-blowing. How much, exactly, has he paid off? I don't want to know, but you need to know and have proof of it. For your sake (and your son's).

Are you even sure he is telling the truth now? I would want to see all the papers and talk to the lawyer. Then divorce his sorry azz.

I am so sorry that he did this to you.

Get down to your local retailers and ask for a job Or local school. Boarding school matron? Bursars assistant? M&S shelf sticker. Waitrose till manager. Etc. There are jobs. Find them. Urgently. So you have some of your own £££.
Get a therapist to sit down with you and husband and have a full reveal
Hire an accountant to review the finances and the HMRC demand AND to deal with HMRC
get the house valued
sit down with the accountant - or bank - to make a plan to sort out the debt and a plan going forward. Is DH still working? What changes will be made to make sure all future debts are avoided and all taxes are sorted in real time and accurately?

don’t just walk away until you have sat with a therapist with your DH and worked out what the hell is going on and whether this is something he and you can move beyond.

Only at that point should you walk away.

a close family relative lost everything in similar circumstances. The wife stuck by him. They downsized into a tiny rented house. She went back to work. He had a MH breakdown and ended driving a white van and ended his working days as an admin assistant in a local prison.

note: a tax debt can build if you (ie your DH) stick head in sand and ignore. The interest and penalties on late paid tax are punitive and HUGE.

YOU need an accountant to explain to you what has happened. So you can understand it.

you need to check the trust terms. Is your son owed anything? Or really was this a diversion of parental funds that should have been used to pay the tax man? Harsh reality but don’t put yourselves at a disadvantage “just” to give your son some money. The

Once you said he earns £130k you lost my sympathy. I know someone worrying about how to feed her cat and pay rent on £10k per year.

I guess the practical solution is to sell the family home and downsize.

Your husband maybe has mental problems. Don't rush to divorce, rush to sort this out and...as other have asked ...how did he manage to get money out of a trust fund?

You’d stay with a man who lied and stole 30k from his own child? Why? 🫣

Stick or leave - either way you need to engage with an accountant with full disclosure to get the final version out. Would it be classified as a marital debt? Going forward if you stay then the accountant needs to stay in place

No point divorcing somebody with no money, unless you have some of your own to protect. Also this is the man of your life and the father of your son. It sounds like he loves you. I think it’s worth finding out exactly what has happened and how before divorcing which is notoriously stressful.

Also get to the bottom of the money - ask to see all the records and find out how exactly is owed and what is the repayment schedule. Presumably he has to continue to pay tax, and it sounds like perhaps he hasn’t organised that properly. Find a tax expert - accountant or lawyer - and pay for some really good advice, and make sure you have seen all the papers and then tighten your belt. No extra spends - find some nice inexpensive hobbies.

I am assuming that you have spent some of that money and that your son has been well provided for - trust funds are extra. Why not let out the house and go abroad with your husband for five years? Might be an adventure.

Maybe she did that bit of the marriage service which says for richer and for poorer?

I can understand how terrifying it must be to you, but you CAN do it. UnMumsnet {{HUGS}} to you.

I would have trust issues also, but would find someone to talk it out with, professionally.

You need legal advice and a forensic accountant. Accept that moving forwards, you can't trust a word your husband says.

I absolutely would divorce him. How can you ever trust him again? He's lied to you for years and years AND tried to turn it into your fault for him not being able to say no to you?? (which has zero to do with his business affairs). He will take you down with him if you don't leave. If your child can see it that says it all.

Sounds like you have been living way beyond your means and he’s struggled to keep up with the facade.

I don't have much either. I find it so hard to believe that the OP had no idea what was going on financially. Not least didn't take any interest in her responsibilities as Company Secretary. The whole story especially where the sons trust fund was raided sounds very strange.

It sounds like there's a good element of living beyond their means aided by expectation.

I feel like this is what she did a year ago (apart from moving abroad, thank god) and it was meant to fix it, but failed because he kept on lying and spending and stealing. So while it's wise advice if she'd just found out the original debt, I feel like he'd 'get away with it' again and nothing would really change. There is more going on that he seems incapable of being straight about, his instinct is to blame OP rather than take responsibility. It's like with couples therapy where it won't work with an abuser, trying to get to the bottom of it with a liar is destined to fail.

A forensic accountant last time I used one in 2002 cost eight grand just to give you some context.

This isn't about money, it's about trust and theft.

Well done - to you and your husband. That must have been a tough job and it reflects so well on you both that you found a way to make it work. Hope you get your new house.

I don't think this is completely unsalvageable in terms of your relationship, however it is of course between you and your H, not us.

What I would do is first, see a tax lawyer (as a couple) and get a handle on what has happened, how much is owed, and whether this is correct.

Once you have ascertained for certain the amount owing, talk to HMRC about ways to pay, payment plans etc.

Then, sell the house. Find a small, cheap place to rent. Use the funds from the sale to first repay HMRC and then make good your son's trust fund.

At this point, if you've stayed together, you can use whatever funds you have left to look for a new house to buy.

What have you both spent the money on ? That's a huge amount not to have some sellable assets somewhere?

I couldn't stay with a man who lied and stole from a child.

You've become reliant on him with no independent financial safety net - women should always earn their own money.

I hope you find a job but the market is super tough, you might get lucky with some part time hours but there was no reason at all why you couldn't have worked previously.

Why are you so sure of this?

Surely when he took you off the company as secreteray you signed something? Were you aware of this happening? Did you question it?
Also, as a pp said, I would question the monthly meetings in Aberdeen. Nobody needs to traver anywhere to meat people nowadays, it can be done via zoom. Were the debt collectors genuine? Could he have another family somewhere?

OP, you need to be angry. Be strong. I wish you all the best

Sounds like you’ve mainly let him do the adulting whilst enjoying quite an easy life, or is that unfair?

If you were removed as Company Secretary how come you didn’t notice? Didn’t you try to fulfil your responsibilities?

I think you need to help support him not judge him. You’re screwed on your own - you’re unemployable, don’t seem to have a clue what your financial position is as a household (do you have a pension?)

Ultimately your Dh provided the trust fund - your ds isn’t entitled to it, you’ve not done anything to contribute to it. If you had worked and taken an interest in the finances of the home you may not have landed in this situation.

Nonsense. Why would you not know what your income and outgoings are? You have an obligation to yourself and your children to take some responsibility. That’s what’s going on when he says he can’t say no to her. Expenditure.