Husband not been paying tax for years

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I'm so worried and scared. Over a year ago two debt collectors came to our door and handed me a letter addressed to my husband. I opened it and it said we owed approx £500k to the taxman. I nearly collapsed.

When my husband came home I confronted him and he basically broke down saying he hadn't been paying tax on his Ltd company for about 5 years. He'd liquidised his company without my knowledge and taken me off as Company Secretary presumably so I wouldn't find out and to extricate me from any financial liability. We had to get a tax lawyer to negotiate on our behalf with the debt collectors and after many months of wrangling, my husband told me it was £64k we owed which we could put our savings towards and also set up a direct debit and pay the rest monthly.

Fast forward a year, I had two debt collectors standing at my front door. It turns out my husband has been lying about the amount owed...it's in actual fact £150k. I'm horrified, my heart's racing as I'm writing this. He told me over the phone he'd used £30k of our son's trust fund money towards it. He told me he's incapable of saying no to me (?!) and he knows he's got emotional problems.

I don't understand any of this...I'm in my 50s, yes, I like nice things (who doesn't) but never overspent in terms of the money that's in our account and was surplus after all bills are paid. He didn't come home last night, he's too ashamed and embarrassed and keeps telling me he's no good and I deserve better. I've been with this man for over 30 years and can't imagine life without him, although I massively resent him at this point.

I found out he'd taken his watch (a present for his 50th) to a pawnbroker to get a £1,500 per loan against the watch. He said it was to pay off the rest owed to the tax lawyer. I asked (shouted) why the hell did he not come to me as I'd managed to put some money aside. Again, he was too embarrassed and said he just wanted it sorted and out the way. I ended up giving him over £2k to get the watch back.

I'm worried sick. How on earth do I deal with this without knowing whether he's lying or not? I don't have access to his business account because I'm not company secretary. I have access to everything else (I think?).

I'm mostly disgusted at my son's trust fund. He's 21, and it was meant to be for a down payment on a flat at some point. Now there's nothing. My son's now aware of this and thinks I should leave his dad as he can't be trusted. What do you think? Any advice would be extremely welcome.

Yes. I could not forgive somebody whose intentional lies and poor decision-making affected the future of my child. No way.

Try a temp agency - you may find shifts in cleaning or caring work, which might feel like a come down, but it's a step up back into employment/financial independence.

I couldn't be married to a man I could not trust. Your DH is a liar and a fraudster. He stole from your own son. I'd divorce asap and erase him from my life. Think carefully if you stay with your DH you could lose your DS. DS sees the chaos his Dad has brought to your lives.

Op with respect you need to stop going over this, and get some proper legal advice. You could be very exposed. Your dh could be charged with fraud, and so could you if you have been implicated. He has stolen from his own child!

This is deeply serious territory and now is not the moment to be ruminating. You have plenty of time for that, you need to lock down what assets you have and check you are not in any way involved in this shit storm. He is a dishonest and deceitful man, and may still be lying to you.

I don't think I can contribute anything useful to this thread sadly.

However I will say OP, whether you remain with this man or whether you move on (and potentially meet someone else), please never, ever, EVER allow yourself to be in such a vulnerable position financially again.

Make sure you have access to bank accounts, credit cards, credit check websites (Experian etc). Have your own account with money in it. And most importantly, get a job!!! Any job. You now have first hand experience of the situation you can end up in when you allow someone else to take complete responsibility of your financial life.

That’s the least of your problems! 🙄

Thanks guys, I understand completely what you mean. Money was always paid into a joint account for food, surplus stuff like clothing etc. We have a separate account where all our bills come out. I've never had access to his business account. I obviously know why now. The house is in joint names.

It was actually me that had an addiction to prescription pills when I broke my leg over 12 years ago...when I asked the doctor for help because I knew I was taking too many pills (a lot of emotional pain from estrangement from my sister and dad) but because I always felt a bit crap about myself, although outwardly i would appear to be bubbly and confident. The pills gave me confidence...false as it was. The doctor refused to help and I ended up going online and buying pills from UK prescribing pharmacies. I was spending between £1-1.5k a month at that point to feed my addiction. It's a horrendous place to be. I'm not now and haven't been for the last 6 years. My husband was very understanding but terrified because I was taking beyond fatal doses on a daily basis. I managed to come off the pills by going to rehab. My mum gave me the money although it was a gift at the time and she didn't know about my addiction. My husband did his best trying to taper me off but it never worked. I could never stick to it. He's honestly so kind and helpful in many ways but I know he is a tax evader but I genuinely feel he just wanted to give us a good life. And it became unmanageable. I think this stems from that time period and of course HMRC and the debt collectors they instructed lump on fees and charges. The whole amount still to be paid is £150k. I'm really trying to be pragmatic and realistic about this. He's told me he will do anything to sort the situation out. But there's no way we can pay this off without remortgaging. Savings are all gone. I can't turn to family. My elderly mum needs her savings and my sister has always appeared to be resentful of me it would appear. She always said in the past, 'you may have the looks but I've got the brains'. A lot of bitterness there and she's always treated me horrendously ie 'shut up trollop' etc etc. Or blonde bimbo....

I’m sorry but he’s a gambler. Until he admits that it won’t get better because he’ll keep gambling in the hope of the ‘big win’ which will solve all the money issues but that’ll never happen.

That's exactly what I wanted to say after reading the post. You're right to say it's not the OP's fault or responsibility. However, this is the time to see whether we mean it when we try to prevent men's suicides, or whether the whole, "Come on, guys, just talk!" thing is, ironically, just talk. The guy's fucked up badly; he's not the first, he won't be the last, but he does deserve some care. Given that the only point of contact is the OP, in her shoes I might do something like alert his friends and tell them they need to give him some serious emotional support.

Of course you need to pay money for taxes back, but if it is a LTD company, the bailiffs can't take your personal things (which are not bought through the company) toward the debt, so at least your house and all inside it plus the car (it's on your name, right?) should be safe.

I wouldn't necessarily leave him at this point, but I would want a forensic analysis of who owns and owes what. He's not been honest up until now and the OP is not well versed in their financial situation, so it's a huge step up for both of them in different ways. But without that clear picture, no decisions can be made about anything. Does the husband need professional financial advice to be able to even figure that out for himself, let alone be honest about it?
My aim would be to protect the son and whatever assets (personal ones, e.g. house) are left.
Women should never, ever, let the husband control the money and allow themselves to remain in the dark. It has to be joint. I can't understand women who absolve themselves of that simple adult responsibility.

I hope he returns this evening with a solid plan and evidence that he has taken steps to sort this out, if he doesn't then I would take it as a sign that he's going to carry on ignoring it all.

So many stay-at-home women on MN who find themselves in a predicament like you OP say that they’re “lucky” or “fortunate” not to have needed to work.

I think the same as you. I shudder at their situation. Not lucky at all.

I couldn't stay after this. He'd be lucky to not end up in prison and leave you with absolutely nothing.

I'd be looking for work ASAP and seeking legal advice about how you can protect yourself going forward but be prepared for the taxman to take all of your assets just in case.

Yes, I'd agree with you. Without going into detail, I've personally been at that lowest point a couple of times (some years ago, I'm a happy bunny these days) and sadly three male friends and one female have taken that final step.
So yes, he needs support too, sorry if my post came across as a bit callous 🙏

He needs to stop lying and hiding and he needs to show you everything in terms of his account with hmrc and any legal letters. He needs to come up with a plan.

Given your latest update, I actually don't think divorce should be jumped to. Your son who suggested divorce, does he know about your 6 year drug addiction? Does he know about the c.100k you spent on it all while not working? Surely that spend put a massive burden on your husband plus the emotional toll of being in a relationship with an addict. Your husband stuck by you then.

This ^

Life insurance won't pay out for suicide, if that's his or anyone else's line of thinking.

£150k is manageable to be paid off. However you need to get a job too and both stop burying your heads in the sand.

It's a tricky one,.because threatening suicide is also a well known pattern of abuse. My ex used to do this to control me, and it was only when I escaped the relationship and spoke to womens aid that I learned it is common for tactic to control women.

However, if its unusual for him to say things like this you do need to take it really seriously. Theres great advice online abojt helping people make safety plans if they feel suicidal. Also encourage him to visit GP or get counseling.

I agree. My worst nightmare. Genuinely.

Although I was brought up by a hard working single mum who drilled into me the importance of having my own job, my own money and never relying on anyone else.

It didn't at all.

He's only poorer (potentially) because he's a liar and doesn't pay tax.

All 21 year olds have a trust fund. The government set it up. We never paid any more into ours but even paying a small amount in each year means it ocul dbuild up. Maybe not the the level of OP's son but a few thousand nevertheless.

Yes, but not through theft, lies and tax evasion 🤣