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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be nice to the ex PILs?

67 replies

Hiitsmeagain1 · 18/09/2025 08:41

Hi all
Just to know what to do can't seem to shake off I should be doing better.

My husband and I seperated early on this year. We used to have his parents mind our DD3 two days a week (on husband's insistence) but we both had agreed that this would stop as we felt it wasn't working for various reasons.

Fast forward to this September (baring in mind since we seperated PILs have had zero contact with me which is expected) DD3 was due to spend a morning at PILs (which exH was told to explain to his parents) and the afternoon at nursery where J could collect as normal. The day before nursery started I received this text from ex MIL

Just to be clear, it was already sorted that
DD3 gonna be with me on
Wednesday full day, without consulting with me you decided to put her half day in nursery. Now you have 2 options either you drop her here full day or send her to nursery full day..
My son will not pick her just to drop her here for half day

I replied
Just to be clear don't message me please speak to your son.

exFil then messaged saying you are no longer part of the family and don't message us again.

i decided to put DD3 in for a full day as I didn't want to deal with this on a weekly basis as clearly they would not liaise with me effectively.

Ex H gave me grief but I explained had he spoken to his family they wouldn't be contacting me when I was doing them a favour as I know they love DD3 and as ExH only sees her EOW he keeps her with him not them so they see her maybe for an hour fortnightly - a big change from two days a week.

I know it's not for me to sort but I saw ex Fils status yesterday who posted a pic of my DD3 and said my soul. And I felt awful wondering if I was being unreasonable about everything as my DD3 does miss them and they miss her.
it was never spiteful the decision to shorten the day more practical as DD3 has swimming on the day she would be with her grandparents.

Should I reach out to rearrange some form of childcare with them? I know each is useless like that but he blames me saying I'm being difficult. I shouldn't have to deal with his parents attitude and it should be for him to arrange if anything?

I am so confused but also feel bad for everything.
AIBU by putting DD3 full time nursery rather than deal with ex PILs?

OP posts:
Sconcing · 18/09/2025 08:52

I think you should take them at their word and recognise they don’t want any further contact with you. And no, if they are incapable of civil communication I wouldn’t try to arrange childcare with them — you don’t need vacillations and abrupt changes of mind when you need reliable, stress-free childcare. It’s up to your ex to ensure your children maintain a relationship with his parents.

BreakingBroken · 18/09/2025 08:52

Long term it’s nice to have loving family involved and available to occasionally assist with child care.
But their msg’s to you are odd and aggressive in tone.
I’d only reconsider if prior to the separation they were good gps.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/09/2025 08:52

Should I reach out to rearrange some form of childcare with them?

No. They don’t want a relationship with you so it would be far too awkward. Any benefit she got from time with them would be overshadowed by the stress to you of liaising with them every week. Why’s he only having EOW? It’s his job to maintain her relationship with his parents so if it’s only an hour a week that’s tough.

Lollytea655 · 18/09/2025 08:55

Sconcing · 18/09/2025 08:52

I think you should take them at their word and recognise they don’t want any further contact with you. And no, if they are incapable of civil communication I wouldn’t try to arrange childcare with them — you don’t need vacillations and abrupt changes of mind when you need reliable, stress-free childcare. It’s up to your ex to ensure your children maintain a relationship with his parents.

This.

They have been explicitly clear that they do not want any kind of relationship with you, so this is officially taken off your plate. If they miss their grandchild then that is up to their son to manage, not you.

Ilovepastafortea · 18/09/2025 08:55

I agree with PP. PIL have made it clear that they don't want you to contact them, so don't. It's up to your XH to facilitate his daughter's relationship with his parents.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 18/09/2025 08:56

I would try and sort it out for your daughter's sake.

AmandaHoldensLips · 18/09/2025 08:57

Virtue-signalling on Facebook is such an easy low-shot. Block them so that you don't have to see that kind of shit any more.

NotABiscuitInSight · 18/09/2025 08:57

So proud of you for being assertive and drawing boundaries.

They sound rude and spoiling for a fight.

InterestedDad37 · 18/09/2025 08:57

For your daughter's sake, it'd be lovely to reach out, but they sound like arseholes, so what can you do 🤷
Personally I'd probably try, and if it doesn't work, fuck 'em 👍

AnnaMagnani · 18/09/2025 09:04

If they were nice people, who you got on with well, and had said 'I appreciate you and our son have split up but that's between you and we love you both and just want to keep seeing our GCs and being helpful' then you could have carried on using them for childcare.

But they are basically the opposite so I'd block them on all social media and your phone and leave it to your ex to sort out. Up to him now to facilitate their relationship with the GC.

SJM1988 · 18/09/2025 09:05

You MIL issued the ultimatum. If they didn't like the second option of nursery they shouldn't have said anything.

Yes its hard that your ex PIL no longer see DD as much as they use to but that is what happens when parents separate. I'm assuming Wednesday is your day not your DH day? If that is the case then any time they get with your DD is your days is a bonus and they really have made a mistake of kicking up a fuss now.

Ilikegreen · 18/09/2025 09:12

What a rude message from your ex-MIL. As children grow, they have nursery, they have school, friends, interests. Is the expectation long term that they remain small children for them to have all day. Don’t reach out, it’s unfortunate they don’t see them as much as they could, but they need to deal with their son on that. At least you know the lay of the land now.

Swandry · 18/09/2025 09:14

Take them off your Facebook.

leave any contact with his side to your ex.

Formerdarkhorse · 18/09/2025 09:19

If you think they are normally decent and rational people that you want your daughter to keep having a relationship with, I think I would send them a calm message explaining the situation and the rationale for the change of plans and if they don’t take kindly to it then wouldn’t engage with them further after that. It could be a genuine miscommunication or that exDH isn’t giving them the full story.

pizzaHeart · 18/09/2025 09:31

Your MIL’s message was rude but I would say that your answer wasn’t very polite either so was there some sort of backstory ?
You said that you both agreed to cut her 2 days to a half day. What were the reasons? Is it bad relationship/ problems or just nursery logistics?
Also you said that MIL had zero contact with you since separation. Has she seen DD since then?

Guytheskiinstructor · 18/09/2025 09:32

What are the “various reasons” the childcare arrangement wasn’t working out originally?

There’s such a high level of emotion and dysfunction here. Adults scrapping and flouncing in the most undignified way.

What’s best for your daughter here, OP? And that question brings us back to my original one. Was she unsafe with the grandparents in some way? Lots of screen time? Dogs around? Unreliable? Too many treats?

Toesy · 18/09/2025 09:37

Take them both at their nasty word.
You are nothing to them.
You do not need this grief and upset.
Leave contact with them completely up to their son on his time.
Long term you will be happier with the clear lines.

This is on them.
They felt the need to be aggressive and rude.
Leave contact to their son.

For them this is a "fxxk up, find out" lesson. FuFO.

Block on FB too.
Perhaps some time and space will help them find their manners.
It is not in your daughters interest to be with people who feel so aggressively towards you.

Obimumkinobi · 18/09/2025 09:41

My knee jerk reaction is 'Fuck 'em!" but it depends on how they treated you before? Plus, has your ex been telling them that the real reason they don't see her is because of you (as opposed to his slack arse!), which has escalated, resulting in ExFIL "taking control" of the situation and sending the text?

If they're otherwise good GPs, I'd calmly reach out one more time to see if something can be salvaged. From a selfish point of view, it also doesn't hurt you to have some others who could have your DD in an emergency - especially if her DF is a flake.

Vaxtable · 18/09/2025 09:46

They gave you the choice. You had practical reasons for her to reduce to half a day and your ex obviously didn’t explain.

she sees her father so he can sort out visiting his parents. If he really wanted to he could always increase how often he has her

after being told you are no longer a member of the family engaging with them is not something I would contemplate

vivainsomnia · 18/09/2025 09:50

Do what best for your DD. Ig ore everything else.

sesquipedalian · 18/09/2025 09:51

OP, do not contact your ex-PIL. If you think it would be in their interests, and that of your DD, to spend more time together, then discuss it with your ex - it’s for him to communicate with his parents to sort things out. I think it’s great that you have not forgotten that they are and will always be your DD’s DGPs, but they have made it plain they want no contact with you. So,get your ex to speak to them.

ARichtGoodDram · 18/09/2025 09:55

If they contact you, civilly and politely, then I'd say yes. They didn't. They were rude and stated they wanted to contact with you, therefore they have to organise their contact with your children through your ex.

For context my exes parents contacted me very politely, saying they'd understand if I didn't want direct contact but they were desperate to continue their relationship with my DDs, still wanted to be first line babysitters for either of us (primarily me as ex had eow) and would love it if it was convenient for me for them to continue their Wednesday afternoon pick up. They were polite and respectful at every turn, so I engaged with them as that was best for my girls.

Your ex in laws have been rude and cut you off so that's their decision.

Goldengirl123 · 18/09/2025 10:03

Why did you put her in nursery when they would have like to have her the whole day?

vivainsomnia · 18/09/2025 10:10

DD3 was due to spend a morning at PILs (which exH was told to explain to his parents)
How was this decided? Did you think it was agreed but your ex never did? Why does you MIL think the agreement was for a full day?

My son will not pick her just to drop her here for half day
What does this mean? Did you expect your ex to pick your DD from you and then drop her off at his parents? Who was then supposed to take her from her grandparents to nursery?

Geiirksns · 18/09/2025 10:14

Based on their messages leave it to your ex, they’ve said don’t contact them so don’t.

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