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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be nice to the ex PILs?

67 replies

Hiitsmeagain1 · 18/09/2025 08:41

Hi all
Just to know what to do can't seem to shake off I should be doing better.

My husband and I seperated early on this year. We used to have his parents mind our DD3 two days a week (on husband's insistence) but we both had agreed that this would stop as we felt it wasn't working for various reasons.

Fast forward to this September (baring in mind since we seperated PILs have had zero contact with me which is expected) DD3 was due to spend a morning at PILs (which exH was told to explain to his parents) and the afternoon at nursery where J could collect as normal. The day before nursery started I received this text from ex MIL

Just to be clear, it was already sorted that
DD3 gonna be with me on
Wednesday full day, without consulting with me you decided to put her half day in nursery. Now you have 2 options either you drop her here full day or send her to nursery full day..
My son will not pick her just to drop her here for half day

I replied
Just to be clear don't message me please speak to your son.

exFil then messaged saying you are no longer part of the family and don't message us again.

i decided to put DD3 in for a full day as I didn't want to deal with this on a weekly basis as clearly they would not liaise with me effectively.

Ex H gave me grief but I explained had he spoken to his family they wouldn't be contacting me when I was doing them a favour as I know they love DD3 and as ExH only sees her EOW he keeps her with him not them so they see her maybe for an hour fortnightly - a big change from two days a week.

I know it's not for me to sort but I saw ex Fils status yesterday who posted a pic of my DD3 and said my soul. And I felt awful wondering if I was being unreasonable about everything as my DD3 does miss them and they miss her.
it was never spiteful the decision to shorten the day more practical as DD3 has swimming on the day she would be with her grandparents.

Should I reach out to rearrange some form of childcare with them? I know each is useless like that but he blames me saying I'm being difficult. I shouldn't have to deal with his parents attitude and it should be for him to arrange if anything?

I am so confused but also feel bad for everything.
AIBU by putting DD3 full time nursery rather than deal with ex PILs?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hiitsmeagain1 · 18/09/2025 10:15

So to clarify - I thought we had a good relationship with my PILS - their message shocked me and I was upset initially at their no contact with me. They have previously said how great I am and my exH has always said what a good daughter in-law I am too his parents.
We decided to reduce contact time because they had no routine, gave her unlimited sugar, access to her own iPad and never really took her out of the home. They smoke in the house too and because I suspect my DD is on teh spectrum the lack of routine and sugar plus unlimited screen time really unravelled her. They would also always buy her gifts which is nice on the surface but started creating a spoiled child. They would never discipline her so she started to spit, hit and throw rubbish on the floor which they would just clear up. They did love her but it wasn't working in terms of what she needed hence we decided to reduce from two to 1. The Wednesday is shortened as I put her in for swimming too.
I thought the FIL was the reasonable one but he told me not to contact him.
i guess im sad for my DD but also i did like the in-laws and despite them saying dont contact me i would like them to see my DD as they are old. But like i said previously they are obviously not going to be civil and from what I understand the exH doesn't really have much to do with them either.
Im torn esp as my DD has no GP from my side.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hiitsmeagain1 · 18/09/2025 10:17

vivainsomnia · 18/09/2025 10:10

DD3 was due to spend a morning at PILs (which exH was told to explain to his parents)
How was this decided? Did you think it was agreed but your ex never did? Why does you MIL think the agreement was for a full day?

My son will not pick her just to drop her here for half day
What does this mean? Did you expect your ex to pick your DD from you and then drop her off at his parents? Who was then supposed to take her from her grandparents to nursery?

ExH wasn't happy but understood logistically why.

ExH offered to collect DD from mine to drop to his parents and GP to drop to nursery. It's all within the same area. This was EXH plan not mine as it's my contact day .

the PILS messaged me the day before the first Wednesday.

OP posts:
WutheringTights · 18/09/2025 10:21
  1. My daughter would not be spending a day a week with people who smoke inside.
  2. The other reasons you give are also very good ones for using professional childcare.
  3. If PsIL were to pull out of providing childcare at short notice, who would have to pick up the slack? If you then YANBU for using a reliable nursery.
Studyunder · 18/09/2025 10:22

There brought this on themselves. Don’t have your DD spending time with people who can’t even be polite in a text message. Family can be annoying at times but should at least be respectful, polite and look for compromise.

The said themselves it’s their way or the highway. Can you image trying to reach agreements about what they do/don’t allow your child to do if future? What they would say about you to your daughter. They would massively influence your DD over the years if spending entire days together every week and I wouldn’t trust them to not be spiteful.

You want kind and caring people around your child- being family doesn’t trump this.

GoldDuster · 18/09/2025 10:23

I wouldn't be negotiating with them at all, or getting in touch to offer anything, they have been very clear that they do not want you to get in touch again. Take their word. Get a solid contact arrangement in place with DD father, stick to it, and leave it to him to foster a relationship between his parents and his child.

Sweep your own side of the street.

Fearfulsaints · 18/09/2025 10:25

You dont need to worry about your PIL.

Thats not to say you should be polite or be actively cruel. But its your ex who should be ensuring his parents and his child have bond and ensuring they have regular contact, not you.

pizzaHeart · 18/09/2025 10:26

In the light of your updates I would still answer them more politely e.g DD started swimming with nursery, it’s in Wednesday afternoon so that’s why. ExH was supposed to explain it to you.
However smoking around a small child is very very bad and lack of routine is completely incompatible with a child on the spectrum so I think you have been very generous with agreeing to a half day.
Ask Ex, it seems that he is shit stirring and not communicating real reasons to his parents.

toomuchfaff · 18/09/2025 10:27

Echo what others have said that its up to ExH to maintain the DC relationship with his parents, id be open to increasing his custody from EOW, so that he can enable that relationship but id be absolutely clear that they see DC on his time and he organises it all.

Hollietree · 18/09/2025 10:32

“Just to be clear, it was already sorted that
DD3 gonna be with me on
Wednesday full day, without consulting with me you decided to put her half day in nursery. Now you have 2 options either you drop her here full day or send her to nursery full day..
My son will not pick her just to drop her here for half day”

The audacity of this woman. She thinks she is the boss of you and she thinks she has more say in decisions about your child than you do!!!

You cannot reason with people like this.

It also sounds like she wasn’t being well looked after at her grandparents either. Plus they smoke in the house. Drop the rope on this one. They have asked for no contact with you and that’s exactly what you should give them. Leave your ExH to facilitate a relationship with them in his own contact time. They created this and only have themselves to blame.

ComfortFoodCafe · 18/09/2025 10:35

Your ex needs to arrange them seeing her in his own time, not your time. Shes trying to boss you about & when she hasnt got her way shes thrown her toys out of the pram. Not your problem.

vivainsomnia · 18/09/2025 10:57

ExH wasn't happy but understood logistically why
It doesn't seem it was suiting him at all. It sounds like a big misunderstanding between you and him and his parents caught in the middle. They certainly didn't respond well to their frustration but it doesn't sound they deserve to be punished, let alone your DD to be so. How about using a co-parenting app?

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/09/2025 11:25

I can’t believe you left her with people who smoke indoors and let her have access to a tablet at all. What you describe is shocking.

secureyourbook · 18/09/2025 11:41

If they don’t want a civil relationship with you, I don’t see why you should bend over backwards to facilitate visits with your dd.

secureyourbook · 18/09/2025 11:42

Ew…I didn’t see the update about smoking indoors. That’s a definite no.

Skybluepinky · 18/09/2025 12:43

Get proper childcare for your children.

Original poster
Hiitsmeagain1 · 18/09/2025 15:24

Just to confirm I do have childcare for my daughter for the hours I work.
The way the ExILs looked after my daughter always made me anxious and often ExH and I had words about as if I was to raise any of the concerns to them they would shut me down and just expect me to tolerate it as it was grandparents love.

ex H did agree and understood but he has form for never explaining or standing up for decisions he has made hence why I think PILS are angry but also they could have asked or enquired earlier or in a different manner.

OP posts:
Toesy · 18/09/2025 16:40

Hiitsmeagain1 · 18/09/2025 15:24

Just to confirm I do have childcare for my daughter for the hours I work.
The way the ExILs looked after my daughter always made me anxious and often ExH and I had words about as if I was to raise any of the concerns to them they would shut me down and just expect me to tolerate it as it was grandparents love.

ex H did agree and understood but he has form for never explaining or standing up for decisions he has made hence why I think PILS are angry but also they could have asked or enquired earlier or in a different manner.

Based on this post of yours I would take their behaviour as the perfect win.

Absolutely no more time with your daughter via you.
It will 100% have to be facilitated by their son.
Block them everywhere.

GonnaeNoDaeThatJustGonnaeNo · 18/09/2025 16:58

Block them on facebook and all future communication is between them and their son.

they’ve made their feelings by be clear and you don’t need that shit in your life.

FitatFifty · 18/09/2025 17:03

Well it’s not a DH problem, it’s an ex-DH problem.
I would just let him deal with them from now on and they can see her on his time, there’s no reason for them not to be civil to you especially if you haven’t had any particular row with them.

It would have been much much better for them to keep a nice relationship going, but this is the choice they’ve made.

Ohthatsabitshit · 18/09/2025 17:31

She’ll be safer and calmer at nursery. Find that peace for her.

Needlenardlenoo · 18/09/2025 17:33

You've had a lucky escape!

youalright · 18/09/2025 17:37

I think i would be the bigger person for your daughters sake its very easy to get the wrong end of the stick when messages are being passed through other people and people aren't directly communicating. I would give them one last chance id send a msg to the one your closest to and say I don't want it to be like this dd misses you and you are welcome to see her whenever you like. If they ignore this that is on them.

Original poster
Hiitsmeagain1 · 18/09/2025 17:58

youalright · 18/09/2025 17:37

I think i would be the bigger person for your daughters sake its very easy to get the wrong end of the stick when messages are being passed through other people and people aren't directly communicating. I would give them one last chance id send a msg to the one your closest to and say I don't want it to be like this dd misses you and you are welcome to see her whenever you like. If they ignore this that is on them.

I have already sent this message when we first split saying how they will always have access to DD they can come and see her when they want and they can face time when they want. They initially did and spoke only to DD and started telling her tell mummy to drop you off to ours for the day we are home. No asking me but going through DD3 and ignoring me in the process even though I answered calls on my phone and sent them pics when they requested it...

OP posts:
youalright · 18/09/2025 18:06

Hiitsmeagain1 · 18/09/2025 17:58

I have already sent this message when we first split saying how they will always have access to DD they can come and see her when they want and they can face time when they want. They initially did and spoke only to DD and started telling her tell mummy to drop you off to ours for the day we are home. No asking me but going through DD3 and ignoring me in the process even though I answered calls on my phone and sent them pics when they requested it...

Show quote history

Then yanbu you've been more then reasonable

Didntask · 18/09/2025 18:12

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 18/09/2025 08:56

I would try and sort it out for your daughter's sake.

Why cant exh sort that?

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