Should I be nice to the ex PILs?

[Hiitsmeagain1]

Hi all
Just to know what to do can't seem to shake off I should be doing better.

My husband and I seperated early on this year. We used to have his parents mind our DD3 two days a week (on husband's insistence) but we both had agreed that this would stop as we felt it wasn't working for various reasons.

Fast forward to this September (baring in mind since we seperated PILs have had zero contact with me which is expected) DD3 was due to spend a morning at PILs (which exH was told to explain to his parents) and the afternoon at nursery where J could collect as normal. The day before nursery started I received this text from ex MIL

Just to be clear, it was already sorted that
DD3 gonna be with me on
Wednesday full day, without consulting with me you decided to put her half day in nursery. Now you have 2 options either you drop her here full day or send her to nursery full day..
My son will not pick her just to drop her here for half day

I replied
Just to be clear don't message me please speak to your son.

exFil then messaged saying you are no longer part of the family and don't message us again.

i decided to put DD3 in for a full day as I didn't want to deal with this on a weekly basis as clearly they would not liaise with me effectively.

Ex H gave me grief but I explained had he spoken to his family they wouldn't be contacting me when I was doing them a favour as I know they love DD3 and as ExH only sees her EOW he keeps her with him not them so they see her maybe for an hour fortnightly - a big change from two days a week.

I know it's not for me to sort but I saw ex Fils status yesterday who posted a pic of my DD3 and said my soul. And I felt awful wondering if I was being unreasonable about everything as my DD3 does miss them and they miss her.
it was never spiteful the decision to shorten the day more practical as DD3 has swimming on the day she would be with her grandparents.

Should I reach out to rearrange some form of childcare with them? I know each is useless like that but he blames me saying I'm being difficult. I shouldn't have to deal with his parents attitude and it should be for him to arrange if anything?

I am so confused but also feel bad for everything.
AIBU by putting DD3 full time nursery rather than deal with ex PILs?

Because ex clearly doesn't give a shit he barely sees his daughter himself let alone being bothered about family seeing her

Do not reach out to them for anything. No childcare, no favours, nothing. They're hostile to you. I'd block them since they've told you they want no contact with you.

Any contact they have with your kid will have to be on your ex's custody time. This is now your ex's responsibility to arrange if he wants.

Its perfectly clear what this means. Why the accusatory tone?

And be a doormat?? And

They'd only need to tell me once I wasn't part of their family. As the mother of their grandchild you are still connected.
Their loss. It's sad for your dd but exh can facilitate contact with them. Take them at their word and block them.

Anyone who spoke to me like that wouldn’t see me or my children again!! NO!!! Any contact with them goes through your ex

Its perfectly clear what this means. Why the accusatory tone?
It's not clear at all. It is strange indeed to expect her ex to lick up the child from OP to take to his parents for a few hours and expect them to then go and drop the child at nursery when they used to have her two full days.

I can't see many who would be happy with this change of arrangement.

Stick up for yourself here, OP. The message from your FIL in particular is dreadful. Cutting off your nose to spite your face springs to mind. If they want to see their grandchild let them sort it with their son. Steer clear.

This is an arrangement the ExH suggested for him to pick DD and drop. Historically I was doing the drop offs and pick ups from exPILS for the two days a week but Not sure how I can continue to effectively facilitate the full day of contact with drop off and pick up when they don't talk to me? So it was suggested like this to ensure we don't cross paths but they still get to see DD for part of the day.

Thankyou everyone for your input. It's sad it's how it is, I genuinely thought the PILS would be better as they had said so as much when we were having marital problems that they would always be supportive of me and maintain contact for DD as they didn't like what their son was doing. I see now maybe that was just empty words because nothing different happened this time I just put my foot down and asked ExH to leave. I guess the PILS always assumed I'd just continue as normal and now that I haven't they have shown what they truly thought of me. They had no reason to be as cruel as they have to me over texts regarding DD. But a part of me is heartbroken for them because she is their only GD! And highly unlikely to have any other GChildren. I guess you reap what you sow...

I’m deeply unamazed at this, I knew it was going to be because your pils did things against your wishes. And they smoke indoors! No way should dd be spending time in that house, she must come home stinking.

Your mil has shown her true colours, her contact is now via your ex, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

They smoke in the house too

Based on this alone they'd never ever had contact with her in the first place, let alone staying in their home.

Someone please calm me down. Why is ExH just coming to collect DD3 and saying I'm stopping his parents from seeing our daughter and one day I will be a grandparent too and realise how hard it is. Am I being unreasonable?? I can't even begin to address this with him as he thinks it's all me.

He’s making you the bad guy.
You’ve now reached the point of no return. Don’t engage any further.
Don’t communicate with the in laws at all and only speak to him regarding your child. Don’t respond to this manipulative tactic. Perhaps thumbs up the message or put a passive aggressive “k”.

It's his responsibility on his custody time to set up their visits. They told you they want no contact with you and you're honouring their request.

Repeat as necessary. Grey rock him. Show no emotion. He's just trying to upset you and throwing anything at the wall to see if it sticks. What he really wants is for you to do the work of dealing with it all and sorry, but dealing with his parents is no longer in your job description.

He can’t say anything to his parents so he’ll have a go at you instead. Just repeat that he can arrange for her to see them on his time, they’re not your family (as they have pointed out) and not your responsibility.

Your ex-PILs can see your daughter on your ex-husband's time with her, not on yours. You thought that you had a good relationship with them but they have shown their true colours.

It's not your job to facilitate your PILs relationship with your DD. That's their son's job. Don't give up precious time with your DD to please your ex-PILs.