DS accused of a homophobic hate crime

[Daalden]

Sorry this is going to be long and all over the place because I can’t think straight and every time I think I’ve got the full story something else comes up.

My DS is 16 and last week there was a fight after college, in town by the bus stops. DS and another boy from his rugby team who is also at his college, they’re on the same course, sometimes in the same classes, anyway it all kicked off. Now it’s all blown up way bigger than I ever thought it would.

The boy and his mum are saying DS and a group of mates jumped him, shoved him to the ground, kicked him and DS was shouting homophobic slurs at him. Words I don’t even want to type but you can imagine. DS is adamant that is not what happened. He says it was just him and the boy, no gang, they’ve had beef for ages, the boy shoved him first, DS lashed out and it was punches both ways and they both walked off. DS swears blind he never said anything homophobic, says he just shouted random angry stuff like “shut up” and “don’t push me” but not slurs.

Now it’s gone to rugby and they’ve basically said DS is out. He’s played since he was 7, it’s his whole life, he’s devastated. College are saying safeguarding meetings, governors, they’re using words like hate crime, assault, police referral. Someone told me even if it doesn’t go to court it can stay on record as a hate incident and show up later on DBS checks which has absolutely floored me because he wanted to do coaching and now that’s in jeopardy. I worry he could actually be arrested. We’ve not had police at the house but I’ve had one missed call from a number I didn’t recognise and now I’m panicking it was them.

The worst bit is this is not new. DS and this lad have been clashing for months if not years. There was that incident in training when they nearly came to blows, coaches had to pull them apart. DS’s boots went missing in the changing rooms once and he always swore it was this lad. They’ve been sniping on Snapchat, calling each other names, DS says he was constantly winding him up calling him thick and useless. So this didn’t come out of nowhere.

I even went into college last week to ask if DS could be moved out of classes with him because I thought at least that would separate them. But today I got home from work and nearly screamed because the SAME lad was sat in my kitchen with DS like they were best mates again. So if he’s so scared and traumatised like his mum is saying then why is he laughing on my sofa with DS? DS says it’s “all sorted now” and that they’ve made up. But how can it be sorted if rugby are still kicking him off and college are threatening governors meetings and safeguarding?

I’m so confused. On one hand DS is no angel, he’s got a temper, he’s been in detentions for backchat and being lippy but he’s never been violent before, never been in trouble with the law. On the other hand I don’t believe he’s homophobic. He’s got gay friends, he doesn’t care, he keeps saying “mum it’s personal between me and him not that.”

But now I feel like people have already decided he’s guilty. The boy’s mum is telling everyone he’s dangerous, rugby don’t want him, college are treating him like a safeguarding risk. I keep coming back to the fact the boy clearly isn’t scared of DS if he’s sat in my kitchen today.

AIBU to think this has been blown totally out of proportion, that it was just teenage lads fighting and it should’ve been dealt with as such? Or do I need to accept he’s properly messed his life up and this could follow him forever?

Yeah I know, I was thinking it was relevant more in terms of trying to unravel what is going on between OP’s DS and this boy.

It sounds like he has had multiple other run ins at the club, including coaches needing to physically seperate him from fighting, and multiple disorder for being verbally agressive

I would suspect he has had previous behaviour warnings

This kind of thing is looked on very poorly (as previous poster said) because discipline is a very important skill in rugby. Clubs can be fined for poor attitude from their players. Similar to football, it creates a gaping hole in your team where you end up a man down frequently, and hot headed players become deliberately targeted by opposing teams to gain penalties and get someone out/ get people off the pitch.

At 16, OPs son is likely to either be playing with younger teens (who's parents arent likely to want them to play with an agressive player) or moving into more adult teams with higher standards of behaviour

The reality is an 18 year old hot head isnt likely to go far if he isnt listening to refs, and getting into scraps repeatedly. That would have usually been stamped out by this point

I can understand how worried you must be about your son. The potential repurcussions must be frightening. Others have already suggested you ask for evidence of the investigation conducted by the club before kicking your DS off the team but, if they have a strict no fighting rule, I doubt they'll be keen to have your DS back, as he's admitted to fighting and you say he's already had issues at the club because of his language/backchat.

Yes, we all fuck up, but your DS has clearly had issues for some time, and no warnings seem to have had an effect. He has a temper and has been in trouble multiple times. It's a bit dismissive to say it hasn't yet become violent or involved police. At some point or other, it was always going to escalate, because he clearly doesn't know how to manage his feelings appropriately. You were all lucky the fight wasn't worse - one unlucky punch is all it takes to cause brain damage or for someone to fall, hit their head and die.

Regardless of what will happen, he hasn't ruined his life. Things are not as bad as they seem. He can turn things around by learning how to speak and act in a different way and just concentrate on school/sport and moving forward. Maybe he'll be able to coach in the future and maybe he won't, but he will be able to do something positive, even if it's not what he envisaged when he was younger.

OP your reaction to seeing that boy in your living room is just so weird to me. My reaction would’ve been happiness - they’ve put whatever stuff they’ve got between them behind and their friends again why wouldn’t you want to celebrate that?
it sounds like his exit from the rugby club with a result of a series of incidents but if we can get this old friend to go with him, you could have one last stitch at saying he’s gonna turn a new leaf. I think you should try that if he’s got the guts if it doesn’t work, then he needs to find another rugby club. And perhaps you and him can find ways of dealing with his anger issues now he realises bad effect they can have on his life.

The boy and his mum are saying DS and a group of mates jumped him

Presumably the boy and his mate could be asked to identify these boys as they are more than likely to be known to them. However, agree with others it, sounds like your son has been pushing his luck for a while at school and rugby and needs the wake up call this will give.

Yeah and YOU don’t know them, so why are you hell bent on defending a male you don’t even know?

It seems blatantly obvious her son has been inappropriate. There’s no smoke without fire.

Like I said, people like you are part of the problem. Would you lie to protect your son if you knew he attacked or assaulted someone?

How is it blatantly obvious?! Unless you’re privy to info I’m not. There’s nothing obvious in the OPs post to suggest what really happened. It’s one persons word against the other, in which case why would OP side with the other boy? Guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree…🤷‍♀️

Because 9 time out of 10 people don’t just make this shit up.

Because OPs son has form for being angry and aggressive.

Alot of people on this thread have come to the same conclusion.

Yes people have different opinions, so why have you chosen to quote me and question me on a comment I’ve written on someone else’s thread that has absolutely nothing to do with you?