New baby and my mum wants lots of contact

[Thismorning83]

AIBU? I’m in my 40s and have a 5 week old baby and a 3 year old. My 3 year old is in nursery three days a week and I am with her Friday through Monday with my DH (Sunday through Monday, I am on my own with them on a Friday). Before Mat leave I worked full time in a stressful job. My mother lives 30 mins away and has always expected lots of contact. Usually she texts every morning. I see her and my dad once a week but whenever I do she makes comments such as that she wants to see a lot more of us. If I see her with my baby she says she wants to see my three year old next time and she misses her, even if she has only seen her the week before. Last week she said she was giving me space but would like to see me a lot more (despite seeing me at least once a week). She fell out with my sister for her moving 45 minutes drive away and for ‘putting her bottom of the list’ and seeing her MIL more than her. Every time I see her or text her back she asks when she can see me. She seems to think she doesn’t see us enough but to me once a week is a lot along with daily contact on text. My dad is very reasonable and easy going. My MIL lives 4 hours away and we see her around once every 2 months and she doesn’t expect anything from us. I try to explain to my mum how lucky she is to have us round the corner and have regular contact but nothing is ever enough it seems.

Tell her you are looking for a new house an hour away in the opposite direction from your sister.

Or just tell her that she needs to grow up.

She’s ruining your peace of mind - I don’t think the daily texts are helping so I’d cut those right down.
If she can’t meet you without putting pressure on you then I’d say the weekly meetings are not working for either of you and I’d reduce contact. Get some counselling to help you put boundaries in place.
Her behaviour is not normal and she’s not even living alone! Her wants are not your responsibility, you need to ensure you’re happy for the sake of your family.

Honestly, she sounds like a spoilt child. Saying that the times you have seen her for birthdays don't count is really childish and manipulative.

Your dad is her flying monkey and is enabling her behaviour and trying to make you feel guilty when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

You need to nip this in the bud. Rather than rewarding her behaviour with more visits, you need to pull back and reduce the time you spend with her. She doesn't appreciate it and instead of just enjoying her time with her grandchildren, she is complaining and making a fuss to try and wear you down and get her own way.

Your sister has managed to break away from your mum's batshit behaviour. Follow her example and set some boundaries with your mum and make sure you stick to them.

Oh bless you @Thismorning83 that sounds utterly exhausting. My mum is similar and I had to stop answering the phone and always delay calling her. She would also turn up at my house randomly.

I did also wonder if your mum's okay mentally.

God this is totally exhausting! I wouldn't cope with this at all. I would definitely set a regular day and that's it, once a week. If / when you go back to work, all this will have to change anyway. My mum used to get very anxious about dates in the diary, I started planning a bit ahead so there was always something in the future but thus sounds way way more than that. Has your sister pulling away made her more needy of you maybe.

Bless you, this sounds really stressful.

Firstly, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You see her regularly and if feels like nothing would ever be ‘enough’. You have been clear with her but she is choosing to ignore it.

I think the only thing you can do is really set it out in words of one syllable. Previous poster gave a good sentence or two re: I love you and enjoy spending time with you but…your approach is making me stressed, please stop.

Hi OP, how often do you want to see your mum? Do you want to see her every week? I would have a good think about what you want first, rather than being led by trying to manage what she wants. She is not in charge.

You're pouring into a bottomless well - whatever you do, it will never be enough. If you see her twice a week, she'll push for three. If you see her three times a week, she'll want four. Decide what is acceptable to you and stick to it.

My mum died when my youngest was 3. Just for a different perspective. They are not around forever. I did live 3 hours away though. We spoke every day on the phone. It sounds like you don't enjoy having her around. Just tell her your glass is full and you can't do more at the moment. Or have her come and you go out !!!

I’m really sorry for the loss of your mum. However, OP’s mum and her relationship with her is different. Please do not guilt-trip others into giving in to difficult relatives because of your own circumstances. Those of us with difficult relationships with our mothers hear ‘you only have one mum’ all too often, even when their behaviour is really hurtful and damaging, and it would be healthier to step away and put in some boundaries or distance.

How often did you see your grandparents when you were a kid? Is she playing out a dynamic she maintained with her mum, or is she expecting you to facilitate a level of contact that she would never have committed to herself?

Is she useful when she does come? If so, take advantage and get her to have the baby while you do something. Food shop is a good one.
I see my mum 3-4 times a week but for short bursts as she's down the road. Would it be worth spelling out to her that short and often might be what her friends have? Wheras my siblings who live 2 plus hours away see mum every 6-8 weeks for at least 24 hours. So overall pretty similar timing.

@Thismorning83 I really couldn’t deal with that. She sounds worse than back when you first posted about this! She sounds incredibly intense and controlling, like her emotions and “needs” have to be at the forefront of everyone’s thinking, otherwise she throws a tantrum.

Her behaviour has probably been enabled for decades now, by her whole family… So she’s used to getting her own way.

You said your sister moved away - how is her life now, does she still get as many calls and requests from your mother? I love mine, but I couldn’t handle constant video calls and visits and being guilted into feeling like I don’t spend enough time with my family.

This line is thrown around very easily on mumsnet, but I’d honestly go low or no contact with her… Tell her clearly, mum if by next week you haven’t stopped the frequency of XYZ, I will have to stop talking to you more than (say) once a month / birthdays and Christmas / etc, because this is ruining my day to day life and has become way too much.

You’re an adult OP. You don’t have to do what your mum says all the time now. Take agency of your own life and set her straight if you’re finding it all too overbearing.

Honestly you need to be honest with her and say once a week is all you can manage. Do not try and do extra, because it will never be enough for her. Perhaps you need to tell her that if she keeps pushing you then you will be like your sister and she won't see you at all.

Seriously, you can't win this, have stronger boundaries, hang up calls as soon as one of your DC cries. Do not worry about upsetting her, she doesn't care about upsetting you.

I would be very firm at this point and tell her you will see her once a week and that’s it. Tell her that’s what works for you and your family and you won’t be discussing it again. She needs to get a life of her own and stop demanding so much of your time, it’s really unfair. You are busy looking after two little children, trying to have family time with your husband, seeing your own friends, bringing the children to different activities etc. My MIL was like this and now she dos one day childcare at her house. We collect the children from there and don’t hang around. My DH sees her separately too as she wouldn’t be happy otherwise. This works for us

What does your mum having passed away have to do with the OP’s post? What “different perspective” are you trying to offer?

My dad passed away a few years ago in very difficult circumstances and I would never pull that out when posters are trying to navigate their relationships with their own fathers. It’s so manipulative.

The amount of contact you have at the moment sounds reasonable and she does sound quite needy.... BUT:

Would you rather get annoyed by the amount of contact, or have the kind of mother who really isn't bothered about you or your children and doesn't contact you at all? Just something to think.about.

As a mother of adult children and a grandmother, I try to give my children space. I do message them when there is something to say or a question to ask, which could be several times in a week or not for several weeks. I have one child who lives 6 hours away and who I see 3 or 4 times a year. I have another child who lives 15 minutes away who we see only when we are doing something for them or their children (at their request) or when I ask them to come to us for a meal - on birthdays, special occasions or when their sibling comes to stay, very rarely are we invited to go to see them - and before anyone jumps on me.... an invitation IS necessary. I would LOVE to have more contact, from them. Very rarely do they contact me. I do get sad about it.

My mum died when my first child was 4 months old so she never even met my two youngest children. However, my situation doesn't mean that other women should be grateful for their difficult and manipulative parents who make their children's lives more difficult. I would never emotionally blackmail women to accept damaging behaviour from their mums just because my mum died.

My kids are adults now and I am a grandmother and I would never dream of guilt tripping my adult children like OP's mum does.

I wrote a big reply and just deleted by accident!

My mother is the exact same actually worse I would say as she lives alone.
she texts me every day to meet and I’m so weak. I was seeing her every day and even then she still wasn’t happy about things. Through counselling I’ve not reduced it to 3 days a week. She isn’t in best of health and lives alone. It’s exhausting and suffocating.

mine has always been co-dependant with me but got worse when I had kids, eldest is 17.

mine has started creating urgent situations to get me around like saying she’s not feeling well and when I go around she’s fine and wants to go out for lunch.

I work nights and once a month do 7 nights in a row. It’s taken me years to get to a point that she has accepted she won’t see me for that week and goes on and on about it and also hounds me on the Monday when I’m finished and feels like I owe her extra time because I’ve been away for the week!

totally get the whole birthdays don’t count! Mine does the same, if I see her in my brothers for example, it ‘doesn’t count’ as everyone was there!

the counselling helped me live with the feeling that I wasn’t doing enough. I don’t go anymore but prob should start again as it’s creeping back in!

@Thismorning83did your mother always have these tendencies?

I agree with trying to link her in to help you and kill two birds with one stone.

Would you rather get annoyed by the amount of contact, or have the kind of mother who really isn't bothered about you or your children and doesn't contact you at all? Just something to think.about.

To me this doesn't sound like a mother who is really bothered about OP or the DCs, she just wants the attention on her - and lots of it.

I’d see her more often if she’s useful. I would give her jobs to do. If she can’t or won’t I would keep your contact as it is. There’s no need for higher amount

You don’t actually have to see her at all. It’s not compulsory. Please prioritise your family unit. Your mother is simply trying to keep up appearances for her friends, in a quantity over quality way. You ought to be enjoying your maternity leave and your time with your small children. Your mother has had her time. It’s not your fault that she has an empty life.

How often did she see her mum? Even if she did often, times have changed. Life is busy. It’s hard having two little ones who need you constantly and I suspect your mum has forgotten that feeling of being always on. To me she’s being massively unreasonable and I’d want to put more boundaries in place.

Interesting as you’re not the first to mention this possibility to me. She has always put herself first throughout my life though