New baby and my mum wants lots of contact

[Thismorning83]

AIBU? I’m in my 40s and have a 5 week old baby and a 3 year old. My 3 year old is in nursery three days a week and I am with her Friday through Monday with my DH (Sunday through Monday, I am on my own with them on a Friday). Before Mat leave I worked full time in a stressful job. My mother lives 30 mins away and has always expected lots of contact. Usually she texts every morning. I see her and my dad once a week but whenever I do she makes comments such as that she wants to see a lot more of us. If I see her with my baby she says she wants to see my three year old next time and she misses her, even if she has only seen her the week before. Last week she said she was giving me space but would like to see me a lot more (despite seeing me at least once a week). She fell out with my sister for her moving 45 minutes drive away and for ‘putting her bottom of the list’ and seeing her MIL more than her. Every time I see her or text her back she asks when she can see me. She seems to think she doesn’t see us enough but to me once a week is a lot along with daily contact on text. My dad is very reasonable and easy going. My MIL lives 4 hours away and we see her around once every 2 months and she doesn’t expect anything from us. I try to explain to my mum how lucky she is to have us round the corner and have regular contact but nothing is ever enough it seems.

Once a week sounds reasonable, you need your own time with your little ones. Is she helpful when she visits?

Thank you. I feel guilty all the time! More often than not she is not helpful and it makes extra work as she is quite negative, but occasionally she will help look after the baby for an hour or so. But I don’t feel I need the help to be honest. At two weeks post birth she rang at 4.30 and asked to bring my nephew over for the evening despite it being a nursery night for my daughter. She said he was ‘desperate’ to see my daughter (he is 14). I said no as it was bed time in a couple of hours and she wasn’t happy at all.

I’m a people pleaser so I hate saying no to things like this but have got better over the years. Keep saying no if it’s not convenient for you - and don’t feel bad. Your number 1 priority is you and your immediate family, not anyone else.

Keep to your boundaries, once a week is good! Perhaps invite her to babysit some weekends so you can go out with DH? Using it to your Advantage

Its so frustrating as she's putting you in a corner, either you acquiesce or you say no and cause a blow up. She doesn't have to blow up but sounds like it would.

If she had any awareness she'd see thar you see her as much as you want/can. And be happy with that, but her constant communications asking to meet and see you all must be do draining and leave you feeling guilty. I think you just need to say something like "mum I have quite a structured week and it works really well for me, DH and the kids right now. We love seeing you every week, glad you're part of their routine and if we have any ad hoc days free we will let you know, but until we do let you know we will keep to this routine as its working great for us".

Sadly, if she's anything like my mum, she'll find offence anyway and it's frustrating as either you do as they say or kindly and politely don't and get wrath in return. My mum also clashes with my younger sister who hates any needy and pushy behaviour but her pulling away seems to fuel my mums need for attention and inclusion and she pushes worse, sister pulls away more, just ridiculousness.

I would tell her that once a week is more than plenty and it will have to reduce as the kids enter school etc etc and take the fall out. She'll come round eventually and tell her straight that you are not going to be blackmailed or pushed into a corner, this is your family now not hers she's had her babies and now it's your turn and your choices. She can do what she likes with that going forward.

Set the boundaries and stick to them. Have plans in place so that when she asks when see can see you next you have a definite answer.

Once a week is perfectly reasonable.

Would she be happy to do a day of childcare each week, maybe when the baby is older? Then she see’s them twice and you see her once (apart from drops offs).

It’s tricky getting used to telling your mum what you’re doing rather than being told what to do. I think having a new baby is a good time to start because changes are happening anyway, You can slip in this new behaviour.

Thank you all for your responses. It’s reassuring to know I’m not being unfair. We went to the coast this weekend for a few days away and she rang and left a voicemail while we were there asking to FaceTime us. I explained it wasn’t a good time as both kids were asleep and we were asleep. She just didn’t respond. I don’t know if it’s manipulative or I’m over sensitive.

We were driving not asleep!

I have two grandsons and when they were little, I happily took what contact I was given. If your mum can be difficult, then being vague is the way to go. When she tells you she wants more contact then reply, "that sounds nice." And leave it at that. If she pushes for a day then, "I'm not sure what we've got on. I'll get back to you. " It's sort of grey rock. By you trying to defend yourself, it plays into her hands. I think you are doing well with setting boundaries.

Why don’t you offer her to pick up your eldest from nursery once a week and they can have tea at her house and then you can come and do pick up and stop for a cup of tea. Win/win.

Seeing your mum once a week while you are on mat leave sounds plenty to me, particularly if you are texting every day.

At five weeks old, you are still settling into caring for a new baby and an older child and it sounds as though you are coping well.

Your mum sounds quite needy and difficult, particularly if she has fallen out with your sister for moving away. Are they speaking now?

Could she pick eldest dd up from nursery & have tea at her house and drop her home to you after? That way its a win for everyone.

We live right next to nursery so she would end up bringing her straight to ours and staying for the evening. It’s also not fair on my DH to have his MIL around all the time as he gets limited time with the kids. I’ve had three more requests today to see me tomorrow!

I agree with this. You could ask her to do regular babysitting or to have granny time with your three year old, to get one-to-one attention. As long as she also sees you once a week, so it doesn't feel like you are using her.

I find it puzzling when people get frustrated that family are keen to see their children. My parents lived nearby but showed little interest yet still expected me to drop everything and care for them when they got older. I'd love to have had keen grandparents.

Looking for advice. I posted on here before about my mother wanting lots of contact and I tried to manage it but it’s got worse. I saw her on her birthday about three weeks ago and then again the day before I went away with my DH and DCs for two weeks. Around that time I had seen her about 5 times in two weeks. On her birthday I took my 7 month old baby and 4 year old round, took a cake and flowers and presents. We stayed for the day. Whilst I was there she told me she doesn’t see me enough again and her friends see their children twice a week. She carried on saying that if she asks to see me I am inevitably busy and she feels she can’t come to me unless she is ‘invited’. I pointed out I see her at least once a week to which she said we would have to ‘agree to disagree’. I listed all the times we saw each other. She said they didn’t count as they had been birthdays. The next week I rang my dad for a chat and he asked me to call mum as she was ‘lonely’. I had seen her four days earlier and text her in the interim. She has my dad who dotes on her, and friends yet had obviously been complaining that I hadn’t rung. When I went away I told her I was having a digital detox as I really needed a break from her demands albeit I didn’t tell her this. I checked in once half way through the holiday but otherwise turned my phone off. We arrived home late last night and by 10.30 this morning she had called me wanting to video call. I rang back this afternoon as I felt I had to and she was just very controlling in that the children were both screaming but she said she wanted me to finish telling her about the holiday despite them shouting and climbing on me and me suggesting I call another time and then ended the call in an accusatory tone saying ‘we need to sort out when to see you. We are free on x day’. I have tried explaining that I am so busy trying to look after a young baby and pre-schooler and also that sometimes I just want to spend time as a family of four as my DH travels a lot with work, but she says she can’t understand that and I’ll understand when I have grandchildren. I just feel so down and overwhelmed by it all and exhausted. I just want to enjoy my young family and Mat leave without the constant contact and guilt. I always feel I’m doing something wrong or am not good enough.

I would invite her over to the house on Fridays if she’s willing to help

Once a week is enough.
Ideas..
Ask her to go with you on swim lesson day.

Ask her to go with you while food shopping - DM is pushing trolley or looking after three year old in the playground and helps put away shopping or reading to three year old etc..

Make it the same day every week and have things ready to do together - all the folding, batch cooking, ironing. So DM is either busy or keeping three year old busy while you attend to baby and those chores.

Fill your calendar with other appointments.

Stick to your once per week plan.

Your Dad understands and you know that you are not selfish so cease feeling guilty. Ask your Dad to take your mother out more on walks and window shopping and playing cards etc.

I’m sorry to hear things have got worse OP and unfortunately I fear that whatever you do is going to be a no-win situation- however much contact you give her, she is going to want more. In your situation I’d prioritise self and your family unit by sending her a text message to set out your boundaries. I’d suggest something like Mum I don’t want us to fall out. I love you and I value our relationship and that’s why I have to say that I’m finding it really difficult when you continue to ask when we can see each other, asking me to FT when the children are asleep, asking me to continue a conversation with you when you can see the children need me. I’m happy to see you once a week and to text you each morning. More than that I simply can’t do. I’ll see you (whatever day) and sign off however you usually would. The next time she asks (which she will!) a breezy “I already said this, so when we next see each other will be (whichever day)”

Bloody hell, she is brazen in her demands, time for you to be equally as forthright. She needs to hear either she backs off and let's the relationship happen naturally where you see each other when you're BOTH free, her friends and their schedule with their daughters be damned, or you'll have to have a break from.seeing her at all as she is marring your time with your small children and you feel you can't give her what she wants and have what you want as a family.

@Thismorning83 I don’t want to give you even more to worry about but this is starting to sound a bit like dementia. The obsessive asking about one particular subject is a red flag. That said, has she always been like this before you had kids?

You will never win and it will never be enough. Keep it to once a week. And if you can, tell her, this constant pressure is pushing you away.

Maybe meet up for coffee, just you and her, and be honest about how things are for you. If she listens, great. If she doesn’t, then she is being unreasonable and you will have to be tough.

Wow - are we sisters? You described my Mum to a tee.

@Thismorning83 - good suggestions in the post from @Imisscoffee2021

I like the idea of using statements about routine, DH and I have made plans for …, if we have a free day we will let you know.

And just keep saying the kids love to see you - we are so lucky we can do it once a week.

Basically repeat over and over - never acquiesce.

Does your mum still work?