DP ex always asking for favours

[YorkshireCobbles]

My DP and I have been together for just over a year. I have a DS8 from my previous relationship (separated 6 years), and he has a DS7 from his (seperated 2 years). I have my DS 24/7 with the exception of 2 afternoons a week. DP is 50/50.

DP ex has moved on too and has been in a relationship since 4 months after separation.

My problem is that she still expects DP to do her favours whenever she asks. That can be DIY, car issues, work related problems. I’m really not happy with the fact she feels entitled to all the benefits of being in a relationship with my DP without the commitment. Basically she wants to have her cake and eat it.

DP has said he doesn’t want to do these favours when we have discussed it but she uses DSS as the reason for everything. E.g. my car needs fixing and you need to do it as I need a car to get to work/school run.
DP has communicated the need for some boundaries but her reaction was quite angry.

Maybe I’m in the minority, but when I split with my ex, all I wanted and expected of him was that he provided (paid CM) and was a good father to our son. If I needed my car looking at, I went to the garage. If I needed a floor laying, I paid a flooring company. If I needed a light putting up, I called a handyman. It wouldn’t enter my mind to call my ex and ask.

AIBU to think he shouldn’t be doing anything for her anymore?

I know some people have this sort of relationship with their ex and that’s great, but how would you react if they said they no longer wanted to do the favours/DIY? That kind of tells you if you where your priorities lie. Do they need to be a good dad, or just a useful pair of hands for you own wants and needs.

There's been a few of these threads lately.

I think it's lovely that he wants to help out the mother of his DC.

How does it affect you? Is it taking up all his time and he has none left to spend with you?

Or do you think he might have sex with her?

No she isn't being reasonable, it's a massive overstep this long after a breakup if he doesn't want to do all these favours

Ultimately he needs to stand up to her, but it's a tough one, if she might make things difficult for him with DS. But is he really going to let this continue for another 10 years?!

I personally don't think it makes him a bad father saying no to her, she needs to grow up a bit.

Sounds like a healthy co-parenting relationship. Me and my ex help each other out all the time. That’s what friends are for

He doesn’t want to. But gets the guilt trip treatment if he says no.

Why can't her own partner do these things?

I don’t know. Everyone’s different. I’ve always been pretty independent so since I split with my kids’ dad I’ve just cracked on with everything. I have occasionally had to ask for support in an emergency but these have been serious emergencies and they are few and far between, everything else I organise and find myself.
when he is in a relationship I’m always extra conscious of things like that because I’d never want to encroach or to be seen as a needy or demanding ex because I have been on the other side of it and I don’t like it, it always feels like unfinished business.
if the kids have disabilities or extra needs or if she does then maybe that’s a reason to be extra hands on

That’s great, but she doesn’t do anything for him. Mainly because he’s self sufficient. I have no problem if she needed DP to have DSS for an extra day or 2, for example to attend a wedding/work conference. That’s child related. Doing DIY because you don’t want to pay for it is not.

Does he ask her to do anything?

does he tell her he doesn’t want to do the DIY?

my guess is he probably just tells you this as it clearly annoys you. He obviously doesn’t mind as he does it

I assume he’s not as handy.

No because he doesn’t need her to do anything. And he does have a problem. But his Achilles heel is when she spins everything into being for DSS benefit. Which it clearly isn’t. Although he is starting to realise that.

If I needed my car looking at, I went to the garage. If I needed a floor laying, I paid a flooring company. If I needed a light putting up, I called a handyman

All those things cost (lots of) money. That might be the difference between you and her.

Bit of an assumption there. She actually earns far more than me (I’m part time until my DS is a bit older) she drives a much nicer car, lives in a larger house, earns more than my DP, who also has a well paying job mind.

And you know if I needed something doing, I wouldn’t get it done until I could afford it. With regards to cars, yes they can be expensive, but everyone is in the same boat.

This is really up to him to sort out and place boundaries on. You're only his partner for a year, I really don't think it's your place to be stirring this up, especially with a child involved.
Why are you getting involved? Let him deal with it, he has a voice.

Yeah, I do get that. But he’s a very giving person, and sometimes people like him are taken advantage of by people who feel entitled. Especially when children are used as a tool to get what they want.

I am not getting involved as such. He needs to be the one to put boundaries in place, I agree. I don’t understand how she can initiate a separation but still expect all the benefits of being in a relationship with him just because they share a child.

I think, within reason, it is a great concept that the ex can call on the father of her child to act as handyman. His DS7 then learns all about fixing things and he becomes confident to do DIY.

That said; I would want my partner to be able to say NO if it didn't suit, be able to postpone the fixing until it suited and be able to prioritise anything important that we had arranged before rushing off to be Mr Fixit.

Why don’t you like him helping her out? Does it make you feel insecure (if so, do you think you have good reason)? Is it taking away from your time together significantly or impacting the things you can do?

You say he doesn’t really want to do them but does so because (?)… I’m unclear - because he believes she’s right that his DC will be negatively affected if he doesn’t? To be honest, if it’s this and it wasn’t otherwise bad for our relationship I would stop getting worked up over it. Yes, she ought to be getting her act together, yes she’s being a user. But when you have children involved, it’s often better to smooth things over it’s not too costly. The kids will get bigger eventually and DP can drop her like a hot potato.

But if there’s something else going on, if you don’t believe his motives, or if the cost is negatively impacting your relationship, or something, then my response might be different.

My personal belief is that once you leave someone, you lose the benefit that comes with said person. Make your own choices. You have equal time with DS, when he’s not with DSS he is working.

No I don’t think he believes it negatively affects his DS. I don’t think putting a light
up is high on his child’s agenda. It’s high on hers. I guess I’m just different and more independent than most.

i would never get in the way of being a good dad, and he really is a wonderful father. I just don’t think being a good father is dependent on being an ex to be called on at the drop of a hat.

I maybe shouldn’t be surprised that most on here think this is reasonable behaviour. I imagine most would quite happily keep there ex on call for the rest of their lives.

Totally agree

As someone who is still friendly with an ex (and occasionally do each other favours) then it wouldn't really bother me. Especially with a child involved.

HOWEVER I find it very weird that her partner isn't bothered by her asking her ex to do all the "handy" jobs?!

I don't know many blokes who would be ok with their partner's ex coming round to fit a light fitting or look at their car?!

I agree with you OP.

I might feel some sympathy with her if she didn't have a partner of her own. And if she didn't have earnings and a lifestyle that suggested she could afford to sort things out herself.

I don't know what the circumstances of their break up was but it sounds as though she hasnt totally moved on from your DP and is enjoying exerting control in his life.

However as you yourself know it's only him who can put in boundaries and refuse to be at her beck and call.

Actually if he says he doesn't like the situation but does nothing about it then I'm would be concerned if I were you. Because either he is not being truthful with you and he is actually still wanting this level of involvement with her, or he is a weak man. And a weak man who can't impose boundaries is bad news.

HOWEVER I find it very weird that her partner isn't bothered by her asking her ex to do all the "handy" jobs?!

I don't know many blokes who would be ok with their partner's ex coming round to fit a light fitting or look at their car?!

Very good point!

You’ve only been together a year. I’d really keep out of it.

If both people were happy with it I think it’s great. The same as if you knew a friend who was good at doing a certain job and asked them if they could give you hand.

After all they share a child and it’s nice for children to see their parents can still get along and help each other out without drama. After all paying someone £200 to do a job when dad or mum in some cases could do it does take away from the child ultimately.

It’s sets a nice scene for when the child is an adult knowing the adult parents can get along with no issues no need to worry about weddings and grandchildren birthdays and such. Also that relationships ending doesn’t mean you have to cut people off like they are dead. You can still be friendly.

But all that said. It should only be if both are happy with it.

Posters on here love a subservient ex OP! They wouldn’t be so happy if their own partners were being unpaid labour for an ex and prioritising the ex over their own household and relationship.

All you can do is tell him it (rightly) makes you uncomfortable. If he continues despite that, he’s not the man for you.

I think during their time together, she did have a hold over him, and basically used emotional manipulation to get her wants met. Since seperating, he has realised just how much she took advantage of his kind giving nature and also how everything she calls “for the benefit of DS” is actually for hers in disguise. At the end of the day, you could literally twist everything into being for the benefit of kids.

He is a good man, kind, capable, helpful. He probably is just learning as he goes to set boundaries and it’s not easy for everyone when you have been conditioned to feel like you are only worthy of love when providing.