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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP ex always asking for favours

70 replies

YorkshireCobbles · 15/09/2025 23:41

My DP and I have been together for just over a year. I have a DS8 from my previous relationship (separated 6 years), and he has a DS7 from his (seperated 2 years). I have my DS 24/7 with the exception of 2 afternoons a week. DP is 50/50.

DP ex has moved on too and has been in a relationship since 4 months after separation.

My problem is that she still expects DP to do her favours whenever she asks. That can be DIY, car issues, work related problems. I’m really not happy with the fact she feels entitled to all the benefits of being in a relationship with my DP without the commitment. Basically she wants to have her cake and eat it.

DP has said he doesn’t want to do these favours when we have discussed it but she uses DSS as the reason for everything. E.g. my car needs fixing and you need to do it as I need a car to get to work/school run.
DP has communicated the need for some boundaries but her reaction was quite angry.

Maybe I’m in the minority, but when I split with my ex, all I wanted and expected of him was that he provided (paid CM) and was a good father to our son. If I needed my car looking at, I went to the garage. If I needed a floor laying, I paid a flooring company. If I needed a light putting up, I called a handyman. It wouldn’t enter my mind to call my ex and ask.

AIBU to think he shouldn’t be doing anything for her anymore?

I know some people have this sort of relationship with their ex and that’s great, but how would you react if they said they no longer wanted to do the favours/DIY? That kind of tells you if you where your priorities lie. Do they need to be a good dad, or just a useful pair of hands for you own wants and needs.

OP posts:

OCDmama · 17/09/2025 10:07

Nowt to do with you.

He's a boyfriend, you've only been together a year.

Leave him to manage his own relationships, and control your jealousy.

cadburyegg · 17/09/2025 10:21

I don’t know. I have asked my ex to help with things that DO directly benefit the kids, like get ds1’s bike fixed, hang some coat hooks up in their bedrooms, that kind of thing. He won’t do it because he either can’t be bothered or wants to set a “boundary”. It frustrates me because it’s for their benefit.

On the other hand I wouldn’t ask him to put up a bookshelf in my bedroom or ask him to fix something that didn’t directly benefit the kids.

KitsyWitsy · 17/09/2025 10:25

Me and my ex help out each other all the time. We have three kids together and we still regard ourselves as a family unit. We both have other partners. There’s no issues for us. I don’t see how it’s weird at all. She’s the mother of his child. Why wouldn’t he want to help?

floraldreamer · 17/09/2025 10:42

This wouldn't bother me at all. She's the mother of his child. It shows testament to his character that he still has that value for her, regardless of whether she is still his lover or not, she coparents and is his friend.

No children involved, but I am currently helping an ex with a claim for benefits (ASD/not good at being on the phone or writing letters etc). Another ex (who has a new partner) sorts my car out regularly (just things I am not confident doing) and I have helped her with things too. We don't dislike one another, we just don't want to live together/grow old together-have sex any longer.

However if it is genuinely bothering him, he needs to cut back on the favours-but this isn't something that is up to you to facilitate.

Notonthestairs · 17/09/2025 11:00

It’s not really your place to decide how their relationship functions. He’s an adult and capable of managing his own boundaries.

You can only decide whether the two of you are a good fit as is.

Bobafett2020 · 17/09/2025 19:14

YorkshireCobbles · 15/09/2025 23:49

He doesn’t want to. But gets the guilt trip treatment if he says no.

Show quote history

So he says...

Audes12335678910 · 17/09/2025 19:45

He obviously still had feelings for her. Otherwise he wouldn’t be doing these things.

CalmHiker · 17/09/2025 20:00

Audes12335678910 · 17/09/2025 19:45

He obviously still had feelings for her. Otherwise he wouldn’t be doing these things.

that's why he's been divorced for years, and remarried. Feelings 😂

Audes12335678910 · 17/09/2025 20:05

100% same thing with me and my ex. I’d always do all he asked despite having moved on because deep down I still loved him, now back together and happier than ever. Don’t mean to be bad or bat anything but sometimes that’s how it is. He’s not doing these things for her cause he’s just a nice guy, there’s a pull there.

Horses7 · 17/09/2025 20:44

Ex is taking the Mick - time to draw a line.

Didimum · 17/09/2025 20:51

How is it affecting you, OP? Or do you just not like it out of principle?

Diarygirlqueen · 17/09/2025 21:32

CalmHiker · 17/09/2025 20:00

that's why he's been divorced for years, and remarried. Feelings 😂

Show quote history

Are you chatting about the partner? Because hes only been divorced 2 years and only going with the OP for a year.

PollyBell · 17/09/2025 21:44

It is really nothing to do with you, if you interfere it would be controlling

Spinmerightroundbaby · 18/09/2025 00:30

I think you need to handle this matter very carefully. If he has a positive relationship with his son and ex-partner, taking a stand could jeopardise that goodwill. I think it’s to a man’s credit if he is still willing to step up and help out as a friend to the mother of his child. If she has a partner already, it doesn’t sound as though this is about trying to win him back.

For me the boundary here is does helping her mean you are deprioritised in some situations? I mean for example, if he has a commitment to you and then she makes a request, does he prioritise her needs over yours? If her life is difficult, it will make her son’s more difficult because that’s just how it is with children. While the car might be her issue and not her son’s, it’s obvious that it is the kind of issue which will affect his day/week.

I think it’s early days in the relationship and as the relationship evolves, he may decide for himself to scale back his availability to his ex.

ACynicalDad · 18/09/2025 00:39

I doubt he minds as much as you think and this is way better than many of the relationships you read about on here. Make sure it’s not impacting your time together significantly and remember it’s his son’s home too.

askmenow · 23/09/2025 18:15

No she’s taking the PISS! Enough with the manipulation!
She’s exercising overt control over him.

She earns decent money so should get tradesmen in or get her new partner to do the jobs.
Your partner should consider counselling if he cannot set boundaries. This behaviour will stymie future his relationships. You already see the unfairness. He cannot move on whilst she has him “on call”
If it’s a favour directly linked to his child then yes of course, but cars…. No, sort yourself out.

Hellogoodbyehowdoyoudo · 23/09/2025 18:23

Over my dead body would this happen on my watch. Ignore anyone who thinks this is normal. It's not. She's latching onto your partner. She probably enjoys the control.

Hellogoodbyehowdoyoudo · 23/09/2025 18:25

Oh and next time she asks, your husband can say "I won't be able to do that sorry, do you need to lend some money to help pay for it"

And judging by your previous mention of her high income, she will decline.

Keep at it long enough and she will soon take the hint

Coconutter24 · 23/09/2025 18:34

YorkshireCobbles · 16/09/2025 00:59

Yeah, I do get that. But he’s a very giving person, and sometimes people like him are taken advantage of by people who feel entitled. Especially when children are used as a tool to get what they want.

I am not getting involved as such. He needs to be the one to put boundaries in place, I agree. I don’t understand how she can initiate a separation but still expect all the benefits of being in a relationship with him just because they share a child.

Show quote history

I don’t understand how she can initiate a separation but still expect all the benefits of being in a relationship with him just because they share a child.

Because he allows it

PaterPower · 23/09/2025 18:38

I’m surprised (assuming he lives with your DP’s ex now) that the new bloke’s nose isn’t also put out of joint by all this.

My DW (and I) have a decent relationship with her ex but I wouldn’t be happy if he was coming round to DIY / fix the car or whatever. Maybe if he happened to be in a trade, but I’d expect to be paying him (even if at mates rates) and certainly not sponging off him.

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