DP ex always asking for favours

[YorkshireCobbles]

My DP and I have been together for just over a year. I have a DS8 from my previous relationship (separated 6 years), and he has a DS7 from his (seperated 2 years). I have my DS 24/7 with the exception of 2 afternoons a week. DP is 50/50.

DP ex has moved on too and has been in a relationship since 4 months after separation.

My problem is that she still expects DP to do her favours whenever she asks. That can be DIY, car issues, work related problems. I’m really not happy with the fact she feels entitled to all the benefits of being in a relationship with my DP without the commitment. Basically she wants to have her cake and eat it.

DP has said he doesn’t want to do these favours when we have discussed it but she uses DSS as the reason for everything. E.g. my car needs fixing and you need to do it as I need a car to get to work/school run.
DP has communicated the need for some boundaries but her reaction was quite angry.

Maybe I’m in the minority, but when I split with my ex, all I wanted and expected of him was that he provided (paid CM) and was a good father to our son. If I needed my car looking at, I went to the garage. If I needed a floor laying, I paid a flooring company. If I needed a light putting up, I called a handyman. It wouldn’t enter my mind to call my ex and ask.

AIBU to think he shouldn’t be doing anything for her anymore?

I know some people have this sort of relationship with their ex and that’s great, but how would you react if they said they no longer wanted to do the favours/DIY? That kind of tells you if you where your priorities lie. Do they need to be a good dad, or just a useful pair of hands for you own wants and needs.

My DP often helps out his ExP as she's the mother of his child.
I'll drop everything for my DD and he'll drop anything for his, and his DD lives mostly with his ExP, so it's fine.
It only bothers me when she doesn't give him enough notice because she knows he won't say no, but it's not an issue, just a bit annoying!

You obviously care about him very much OP.
And hopefully with your love and support he will get to a good place where he is able to set boundaries he is comfortable with.

Why on earth not? Some kind of macho alpha thing? Give me a break

My personal belief is that once you leave someone, you lose the benefit that comes with said person. Make your own choices

Clearly this is for you to discuss with your partner then as he doesn’t feel the same does he. You need to work through whether your overall approaches to life/ parenthood align.

He needs to say no, why cant her new partner help with things like diy & car problems?

I’d be wary. I had a friend who split from the child’s father, but she was so jealous of his girlfriend so she was playing games where it would be like a ‘look he still comes running to me when I need him’ as a control thing to rub in the girlfriends face. She would openly say ‘if I wanted him; I’d just say and he’d drop his girlfriend in an instant’. And unfortunately it escalated, the more he went there - the more things would escalate to the point where he was cheating.

so I guess what I am saying is to be careful. A lot of girls are scum like this and a lot of men see their child’s mother as this shrine that they’ll always worship. So whilst you may trust your partner, be wary that it’s not two that are participating

I agree with you op. I’d expect him to start telling her along the lines of “look ex you cant keep asking me to fix your brakes when youve got a partner and youre working so can pay. It’s emasculating him to keep asking me. He seems like a decent chap and even my current partner pays the garage to fix her car so for you to be expecting it of me is unreasonable on him, me, and my partner now we are separated. Happy to help in anyway emergency but for the other things you need to be making your own arrangements”
whether he does that though…. It may be easier to just comply. Especially if she may demand more money or something.

’m really not happy with the fact she feels entitled to all the benefits of being in a relationship with my DP without the commitment. Basically she wants to have her cake and eat it.
you are being ridiculous here 🙄

Maybe I’m in the minority, but when I split with my ex, all I wanted and expected of him was that he provided (paid CM) and was a good father to our son.
that is completely irrelevant.

DP has said he doesn’t want to do these favours when we have discussed it
then he just doesn't? Or doesn't say no, but is not free to do them for ages.
It's up to him to draw boundaries, and to make it clear that it can help, but after his other priorities.

If he spends time there instead of doing things at home, YANBU
If it doesn't affect you directly, then you just sound jealous.

My personal belief is that once you leave someone, you lose the benefit that comes with said person.

Talking about "benefits" is ridiculous, but if that's your belief, then don't start a relationship with someone who has kids. It's simple. People can completely move on from previous relationship UNLESS there's kids involved.

Since he ostensibly doesn’t actually want to do these tasks and there is no reciprocation, I don’t think it sounds like her behaviour is that reasonable. Sounds a bit cheeky fuckerish. Though I wonder how honest your DH is being about how he feels about it, since he does it anyway.

I think a lot of the responses that seem on her side are more about your attitude towards it which seems pretty rigid and a bit possessive and controlling of your bf.

The idea that a man’s diy ability etc. is for the use only of his current partner - written down don’t you see how petty and ridiculous that sounds?

I’m independent myself. I’ve never asked exs to do my DIY, but then I don’t ask my current partner either. (That’s actual independence, not limiting your requests for assistance to the man your currently sleeping with.) I am, however, still friends with several exs. We didn’t become strangers when our romantic relationship ended. Once the hurt of the break up was done we still had the friendship that we’d had before we started seeing each other, with the added connection of the years of being together. And that’s without kids.

I thinks its great that your DP helps out his ex although it sounds like she may be asking a bit more than he would like.

I don't agree with you that once you separate that's it. My ex pays nothing towards DS (self employed low earner) but will on occasions do some DIY (putting up lights or shelves and fitting flooring) and has taken us to the airport when we went on holiday or driven me to hospital appointments. His partner is fine with him doing this. I am grateful tho sometimes do have to wait months or years for him to get around to things - a bit like when we were together!

Any money I can save though this really does benefit our son as it means I have more money left for other things.

Just to add I do return the favour when I can by having their dog when they go away and have always been very flexible about him seeing DS. We have been separated for a few years now.

DP has communicated the need for some boundaries

This isn't how boundaries work. You don't ask the person that you'd like to set some boundaries how they feel about it, and often there will be some initial kickback, because boundary'less DP is much more usefull to his ex than DP who says no. It is to be expected, it is not a reason to fold.

She says, can you take my car in for a service, DP says, Sorry Jane, that's not going to be possible, good luck with finding someone to fix that for you.

That's it. There doesn't need to be any negotiation. I don't want to, is a good enough reason not to do something. Boundaries aren't about asking someone else to behave in a certain way ie, stop asking for favours please.

Boundaries are about what you are and are not willing to do and really aren't anything to do with the other party at all.

Only he can sort it out. Leave it to him.
If you say anything ww3 will break out and no doubt he won't see his son.
You don't want that.

I split with my ex, all I wanted and expected of him was that he provided (paid CM) and was a good father to our son
He isnt though. He is a shit two-afternoons-a-week father. Your dp’s dc have a much better situation. Dont try to make it worse for his dc. If your dp doesnt want to do something he can open his mouth. If he is a walk-over and you dont find that attractive, only you can control your actions there.

I think this is really useful advice. It’s not your concern. But if it impacts you and your time together then you should set your own boundaries and tell your DP that it has to stop or you as a couple cannot continue. It’s his choice. But you also should remember he may not choose you, he may think it is is too risky to jeopardize the relationship with his child for it.

If he needs better boundaries with his ex then you may suggest he finds ways to declining that don’t antagonize - “ah, Im sorry … I am away/ working/ training ….” Slowly step back.

Thats your problem, not her asking its him agreeing

I'm in the minority here. Myself and ex husband help each other all the time. He will do DIY jobs for me and my partner. My partner is useless at DIY so ex husband does it. I often do things for him like dog sit for him etc. we have a really positive relationship. Partner will often drop off a forgotten footy kit and little things like that too. Does it always directly benefit our kids no. If he couldn't do something for me, no shakes. If your partner doesn't want to do it a clear message if no, sorry and be consistent. Presumably his contact with her is limited anyway.

Sounds like a friend of mine and her ex. Granted he is actually a tradesman so it’s not ‘DIY’ as such but in his view it’s completely natural that he would do jobs that need doing in the home his children live in. Why wouldn’t he? Every penny my friend spent on paying someone else to do them would be a penny less for the kids to benefit from in another way. They are both in new relationships, to add.

I think she’s a cf. I bet her new dp isn’t ecstatic about it. Why doesn’t your dp just say no? She’s manipulating him. Why does he just agree? Car can go to the garage, she can call a sparky for any electrics etc.

My DP used to help his ex (mother of his adult children, who he had been with for 24 years) with tasks like this, and I honestly thought it was a sign of a good human being, and a healthy break up. I'm sure whatever he does to help his ex out does directly or indirectly benefit his child, and his living environment/comfort levels. Unless it takes something away from you (time/attention?) etc, I'm not sure why it bothers you.

You won’t get any reasonable responses on here because MN hates stepparents and blended families. Unfortunately a lot of posters on here expect their lives to be identical post divorce to how they were during marriage.

No, it’s not normal that he does all of these things for his ex. She needs to stand on her own two feet and your partner needs to get a backbone.

don't be ridiculous, your post is complete nonsense

Your belief is your belief. She feels differently and that’s ok too, if your boyfriend wants to do it. Of course he tells you he hates it, what else will he say? I daresay you’ve made your feelings clear (even if you think you haven’t) He wouldn’t exactly tell you he’s absolutely fine with it, would he?

If, as you say, he hates it and he’s easily manipulated and unable to say no to her, why would you want to be with such a pathetic wet blanket?

I think you need to keep your opinion to yourself unless he specifically asks for your opinion. If you're bringing it up, he's already knows you don't like it, so of course he's going to say he doesn't want to do it. But bottom line is they will always have a relationship, co-parenting, and I would leave them to determine how that looks and how much support he is willing to give. In the examples you give, help offered will benefit his child, that's admirable.

On the flip side, I'd struggle to be in a relationship with a man who already had kids due to this and many, many other reasons. But that is my choice.

Just because a relationship is over, doesn't mean a friendship has to be. Wouldn't you help a friend out if they needed a favour?