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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu?

63 replies

tweenx3 · 15/09/2025 13:33

My husband and I both married, both have children from previous marriages. We've been married for 5 years. Whenever his DC have needed his help and support he always helps out , they live local and pop in all the time. Here's my aibu, I have never spoken to his ex and never will, I know she's not a nice woman from things she has said and done to my dh in the past. I have no desire to communicate with her and have no need to. Recently she had a stroke. However I feel that helping with everything DC related is fine. However helping her out with her personal stuff is too much, I've told my husband this and it upset me. He said he realises and he won't help her with personal stuff.
However I recently found out that he went behind my back and helped her fill out some forms. He doesn't know I know and I feel like he actively lied to me and betrayed my trust. My head's a mess and I don't know if I can trust him . How can I deal with this going forward

OP posts:
randomchap · 15/09/2025 13:35

He's supporting the mother of his children at a very difficult time.

Original poster
tweenx3 · 15/09/2025 13:37

Yes I understand, but he lied to me about it.

OP posts:
randomchap · 15/09/2025 13:39

Why did he feel he couldn't be honest. The act of helping her is not wrong, the lying is

What do you think made him lie?

Original poster
tweenx3 · 15/09/2025 13:39

He said he went to help his daughter with a letter instead.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2025 13:39

Lying is very bad news. Why doesn’t she have anyone else to help her? Why is he prioritising what she wants over what you, his wife, wants?

ComfortFoodCafe · 15/09/2025 13:40

The womans had a stroke, he helped her with some forms. He was hardly sleeping with her. Yabu.

randomchap · 15/09/2025 13:40

In this circumstance, when she's had a stroke, do you think he shouldn't have helped her?

Original poster
tweenx3 · 15/09/2025 13:42

Maybe because he knew that we have discussed it and he said he realises he was going over and beyond . He always says he's helping because it benefits the kids, but where is the line , can't everything they happens in her life help the kids ? Is he always going to dig her out any situation she finds herself in ?
Sorry I'm just very emotional because he lied and my first marriage broke down because of the lies he told and ultimately the affair her had with someone he was always helping out .

OP posts:
CalmHiker · 15/09/2025 13:44

However helping her out with her personal stuff is too much, I've told my husband this and it upset me.

You made it about you. He's trying to help the mother of his child for flip sakes.

helped her fill out some forms.
How dare he.

Unless there's a massive backstory and drip feed, so far he's a good guy trying to do the right thing with a needy new wife who's making his life difficult.

You have been married 5 years! Why are you so insecure?

CalmHiker · 15/09/2025 13:46

tweenx3 · 15/09/2025 13:42

Maybe because he knew that we have discussed it and he said he realises he was going over and beyond . He always says he's helping because it benefits the kids, but where is the line , can't everything they happens in her life help the kids ? Is he always going to dig her out any situation she finds herself in ?
Sorry I'm just very emotional because he lied and my first marriage broke down because of the lies he told and ultimately the affair her had with someone he was always helping out .

listen to yourself, she didn't put herself "in a situation" to attract attention, she had a stroke!

Would you respect a man telling the mother of his kid: go away, you're not my problem? instead of giving a hand? I wouldn't.

Tumbler2121 · 15/09/2025 13:46

Surely any forms he filled in for her would be for health or finance, both of which will help his daughter. Yes, lying is bad news but how would you have taken it if he said he knows you don't like him helping, but he's going to do it anyway?

Original poster
tweenx3 · 15/09/2025 13:47

I don't think I'm a needy new wife, there should be boundaries and I think the overstepped by keeping it from me

OP posts:
randomchap · 15/09/2025 13:47

You can't blame your current husband for the behaviour of your previous one

When you have a child with someone you're in that person's life for ever. And occasionally when the circumstances warrant it, you'll have to help.

By telling him that he can't help her, you've made an unreasonable demand. A demand that's made him lie to try to keep the peace. He should not have lied but explained that he does need to help

You shouldn't be making such a blanket demand. He is not your ex, he did not cheat on you

CalmHiker · 15/09/2025 13:49

tweenx3 · 15/09/2025 13:47

I don't think I'm a needy new wife, there should be boundaries and I think the overstepped by keeping it from me

He's trying to avoid you having a tantrum

Your behaviour will impact his kid, don't forget. The children will know that daddy's new wife dislike their mum and wants to stop their dad to help.

You are not talking about a random neighbour - and most of us would help fill a couple of forms when someone has health issues. You are talking about his children.

Your boundaries are unreasonable, and ridiculous. You are affecting his children. I missed how old they are, if that was mentioned, but whatever the age, it's their mum.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2025 13:50

When you have a child with someone you're in that person's life for ever.

Absolute nonsense.

Original poster
tweenx3 · 15/09/2025 13:50

Thank you for the perspective, I'm trying to understand why he hid it from me , maybe I'm being unreasonable

OP posts:
BauhausOfEliott · 15/09/2025 13:52

You're angry because your husband helped the mother of his children fill in a form after she had a stroke?

As for him lying to you, it's pretty obvious that he lied to you because he knew if he was open with you about it, you'd react exactly as you have reacted, i.e. totally unreasonably and excessively.

CalmHiker · 15/09/2025 13:53

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2025 13:50

When you have a child with someone you're in that person's life for ever.

Absolute nonsense.

IF they are a decent parent, then yes. If you are in your childs life, the other parent is there too. You don't pretend they don't exist anymore.

That's the problem with too many people, they forget an essential detail.

Original poster
tweenx3 · 15/09/2025 13:53

The kids are older teens and 21

OP posts:
Original poster
tweenx3 · 15/09/2025 13:55

You're in their life to help the children, not the ex partner, I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate it if I lied to him and went and helped my ex husband out behind his back and then lied to his face about it

OP posts:
CalmHiker · 15/09/2025 13:55

Your husband would be a horrible individual if he was telling his kids, young adults or not, that he doesn't give a monkey about their mum after a stroke and he wants to hear nothing about her.

Is that the example you want your own children to have?

Original poster
tweenx3 · 15/09/2025 13:56

He is a decent parent , his ex really does not appreciate anything he does for them and had many times guilt tripped him regarding them .

OP posts:
randomchap · 15/09/2025 13:57

tweenx3 · 15/09/2025 13:55

You're in their life to help the children, not the ex partner, I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate it if I lied to him and went and helped my ex husband out behind his back and then lied to his face about it

Has he told you that you can't help your ex? Had your ex recently had a serious medical episode? Do you co-parent with him?

CalmHiker · 15/09/2025 13:58

tweenx3 · 15/09/2025 13:55

You're in their life to help the children, not the ex partner, I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate it if I lied to him and went and helped my ex husband out behind his back and then lied to his face about it

and you can't see that it's because of the children that she's still in his life?

Yes, he lied, but you starting a pissed off thread on MN because he helped filling some forms.. I can see why.

You are the best way for his children to cut him out of THEIR life. New wife doesn't want help their mum after a stroke, dad does everything new wife says.. what kind of toxic dynamic would that be.

You don't have to like her, you can tell everything you think about her to your girlfriends, but you must remember she is their MUM.

You shouldn't have made him lie by being ridiculous.

CalmHiker · 15/09/2025 13:59

tweenx3 · 15/09/2025 13:56

He is a decent parent , his ex really does not appreciate anything he does for them and had many times guilt tripped him regarding them .

she might be a royal bitch, genuinely, who knows, but what you must keep in mind it's she's their MOTHER.