Aibu?

[tweenx3]

My husband and I both married, both have children from previous marriages. We've been married for 5 years. Whenever his DC have needed his help and support he always helps out , they live local and pop in all the time. Here's my aibu, I have never spoken to his ex and never will, I know she's not a nice woman from things she has said and done to my dh in the past. I have no desire to communicate with her and have no need to. Recently she had a stroke. However I feel that helping with everything DC related is fine. However helping her out with her personal stuff is too much, I've told my husband this and it upset me. He said he realises and he won't help her with personal stuff.
However I recently found out that he went behind my back and helped her fill out some forms. He doesn't know I know and I feel like he actively lied to me and betrayed my trust. My head's a mess and I don't know if I can trust him . How can I deal with this going forward

So what? They're still his kids and they still benefit from him helping their mother with filling in forms which are presumably related to her financial / disability / health circumstances which is still relevant to the wellbeing of teenagers who live with her.

Even if his kids wouldn't be affected either way, he still did nothing wrong. He did a decent, compassionate thing by helping someone who was in an awful situation, despite any personal animosity between them. Would you rather be married to someone who wasn't a decent human being capable of putting bitterness on the back burner to do someone a favour?

He helped her fill in a form, ffs. It's not like she asked him to help her use her vibrator.

He is a decent persin and I'm trying to understand why he did it behind my back, in the past he's always told me , tbh I've never said much ,just said well can't she ask anyone else, why does it always be him by default. He almost had this saviour complex where he helps every he knows. Even his ex told him not to, during their marriage together which he told me and now I'm made out to be a needy wife because he's continuing to do it.

Good god, you are coming across as a truly horrendous person lacking in any kind of compassion here. The mother of his kids has had a stroke. I’d be falling over myself to see what support I could offer knowing how much the illness would be affecting your DH’s kids. Shame on you for trying to stop your DH from doing the decent thing.

It’s pretty clear why he did it ‘behind your back’. I feel sorry for him

I'm trying to understand why he did it behind my back, in the past he's always told me , tbh I've never said much ,just said well can't she ask anyone else, why does it always be him by default.

If you always question it and complain about it with the 'why can't she ask anyone else?' and 'Why is it always you?' type questions, that's why he felt he had to do it behind your back. He just wanted to avoid that kind of inquest, because it's tiresome to deal with.

He almost had this saviour complex where he helps every he knows

If he helps everyone he knows, why are you convinced that helping his kids' mother is somehow different from that?

You never said much but you are waiting for her to have a stroke to get upset? Seriously?

She might be getting into the best shape of her life, after a wake-up call, who knows, or she might be in very poor health. Think about the impact of what you do. If she dies soon, her children will only remember that you tried to force their dad to stop helping just before she died.

If you wanted a husband who could delete his ex from his life, you should have married a man without children, honestly.

You are better off joking about it, and gently push him to get her to find help elsewhere, than forcing him to hide stuff like that.

This - she's forever linked to him, and by helping her with some forms he is helping his children too

He takes on problems and it affects him mentally, he can take on other people's issues, the last time he did this it made him physically unwell and he had to take time off from work

Listen, I've put my foot down in the past about 'doing the decent thing' after his ex was trying to break us up, spread malicious lies about him and cause problems in his family - she is a nasty bit of work and once that became crystal clear I said no to helping her out. Once she pulled up outside our house, unloaded some bags and asked him to drop them off to the dump on our next visit. He looked at me, I shook my head and he put them back into her car.

So I am not always in the 'go high' gang.

However what you are describing is an exceptional situation. If he wants to help her in small way he shouldn't feel he has to lie about it for fear of upsetting you. It's not his fault your ex betrayed you.

@Goditsmemargaret Thank you, yes it is an exceptional situation, I'll try and put that at the forefront of my mind. However at the moment I feel like I can't look at him , I'm hoping this passes and I'll be able to deal with it. I know he is a decent person and he just wanted to help her without it causing friction between us. Lately it just feels like he keeps giving. So far these last few months he's paid for he parking fibr, redid her website, sell her car , store her car when not insured , filled in the forms , it's just been a lot.

that's really not how you started the thread.. it has NOTHING to do with his mental health. Unless you mean having a crisis at home and having to manage his new wife!

@CalmHikerim giving the background of how in the past he has helped to his own detriment

@CalmHiker I'm not really the new wife we've been married for 5 years,

Yes, he lied, because you are an absolute nutter that wants to make her illness all about you.

Get over yourself, or would you prefer the woman and her kids to lose out because of your poor ickle hurty feewings?

I’d rather be with someone who’s kind enough to put bad behaviour in the past and help in a situation like this than someone who’d turn their back.
Yavvu I think.

I don't think I'm an ' absolute nutter" I don't like being lied to by my husband. Yes my feelings are hurt as he gives to much of himself to a situation. The kids won't lose our as he does everything for them. However when it's her own personal stuff I feel there should be a line that's crossed. When he told her to look after herself after he stroke she said don't even talk to me about my personal life it's none of your business.

You know 'she's not a nice woman' and yet have never met her

My husband had a major stroke 5 years at 45, it is life changing. You become a different person and its so scary for everyone involved.

Give the woman grace, it must be a harrowing time for her. Her exhusband is helping her out and by extension their children.
He has lied to you because he knows your reaction. Think of his children, they must have been terrified when it happened, my children are still impacted by it.
You sound insecure and incredibly emotionally immature. You haven't even met the exwife and have such a negative opinion about her.
Have a talk with your husband and be proud that you are married to a man who has shown such empathy to his exwife and mother of his children.

I think you're being VERY unreasonable - she's the mother of his children! Of course he should be able to offer help without you kicking off about it. The reason he lied is because you are being so unreasonable about him helping. You come across as insecure, needy and controlling. I suggest you give your head a wobble and maybe think about how his children are feeling and how you would feel after a life changing medical event like a stroke!

It sounds like he hid it because your a drama queen and will make everything about you in one way or other.
Sorry but id rather say it how i read it.
She had a stroke i hope it dont happen to you or anyone you love op.
Of course he will help her she has his kids.

You come across as the jealous new wife needy and controlling .
Your is wife not his mother.

I’d have a lot of respect for someone who still helped their ex out if they didn’t have anyone else, especially in the circumstances you describe. He sounds a very decent man.

@Redpeach yes I've never met her but she has told my husband she hoped me and my children would get COVID and die, amongst other insults so I kind of know she's not a nice person

The woman had a stroke! She is the mother of your step children. Stop causing unnecessary drama and be grateful you have a wonderful supportive husband who still has a decent relationship with his children’s mother. I’m not surprised he went behind your back if you act like this. Honestly shameful

@InMyHealthyEra I haven't caused any drama whatsoever he doesn't know I found out. He doesn't have a great relationship with his ex, it's very strained

I don't know either of you and even I can see why he kept it from you.

Clearly you wouldn't have been happy and would very likely have thrown a strop about it.

But he sounds like a decent person and one who won't give in to emotional blackmail.