I think I've lost a friend because I encouraged her to divorce her husband, but I don't think we were wrong?

[GelatinousDynamo]

I'm 100% sure that my friend is not on MN, but have changed details just in case.

She is 49, and for the past three years she has lived alone after her divorce.

Her marriage was far from easy: her husband was just an unpleasant, critical person. He often belittled her appearance (constant "fat jokes"), her cooking, her spending—almost every aspect of her daily life, even in public and amongst friends. He would belittle her in front of everyone and we have all witnessed it. While their kid was at home, she endured it, but once they moved out, the constant criticism became unbearable (this is what she told us when she decided to divorce him).

We've met this weekend ("we" being a group of friends who have known each other for a long time, we meet 5-6 times a year). We've all had a few drinks and then suddenly she seemed to have this meltdown... Basically, she blames us for her divorce. She kept crying about how she now has to carry all responsibilities alone, how lonely she's been. She says that her husband was not a cruel man, that at least he was faithful and that it's our fault that she's all alone now. Said that we should have advised caution, why no one suggested that imperfection is part of every marriage, suggested that we wanted to see her suffer because we were jealous (of what?). That we weren't her real friends, because real friends would not have wished her unhappy and lonely.

I was completely shocked, I didn't expect it. Before divorce, she was active on some boards on FB and saw a therapist (her husband refused counselling so she went on her own). She kept telling us how clear it's become to her, that she was in a toxic relationship, that his behaviour was a form of abuse. We all agreed that she should not accept such treatment. Her therapist never encouraged her to leave him, but the message was consistent: she was being denied the acceptance everyone deserves. I still have her messages from that period, this is what she shared with us at the time. Her expectation was that she would be happier and freer if she left.

After the separation, she seemed really happy. I guess that changed and none of us noticed.

On Saturday, she went home after her outburst, left our WhatsApp group and seems to have blocked us. She obviously blames us for her decisions, but AIBU to think that she's the only one responsible for how her life has turned out? The decision to divorce was ultimately hers, she chose to leave, she signed the papers, she acted. We just stood by her, held her hand and yes, maybe we have encouraged her, but it's surely not our fault that things haven't turned out as she imagined?

Edited some details

She sounds like she is in a really bad lonely place right now. Don't wait for an apology.

Reach out and be supportive if you can. She is still on her journey, to grieve and get past this point. It's not over for her yet.

I didnt expect it to continue on and on, but I did expect it to carry on beyond the day he left the flat.

When you're talking these things through with friends and saying "but I'm so afraid of being alone" and they say "of course you'll be alright you have me and we'll support you through it" I don't think it is unreasonable for you to expect that means in the first couple of weeks when your are adjusting to life alone.

Anyway it's irrelevant who is right and who is wrong, I'm just trying to give perspective on how bitterly lonely it can be after a break up, even when the relationship is shit.

The problem is that friends want what is best for you, but are not your partners. What works best if when some8e finds other single women, who are free to share their time and value of friendship at the same level. Toxic marriages are shite but so much of our social lives, when you have been married, is with the same couple dynamic and it is a very hard job to reprogram your enitre life. I feel very sorry for her. Rock and hard place for everyone involved

Agree and she was probably co dependant even though he sounded not very pleasant, he life is very different now, no husband and no kids at home so she needs to get used to a new life……leave her alone for the time being and reach out and send a message in a 3 months to check in

Well that sounds lovely. I also divorced a toxic man who took a lot from me including my local social life. My female friends were brilliant, love them to bits; my male friends less so. But God yes the loneliness - it sucks. This week alone i have 2 lovely friends jet setting off on holiday with their husbands - i wish them a lovely time, but am quite simply envious. My ex and I pre-children had equally lovely holidays. Now my options are solo travel, at great expense, or day trips. So please continue to be generous with time as you have been. Something work-wise went badly for me this week - bad news, short notice, great impact. My female friends totally there. I do repay to society as much as I can but it is not always a reciprocal repayment of time and effort. If I were to get drunk / tipsy I possibly might say i was lonely. I mean companionship not friendship. I hope they would know the difference.

Same here.
Had a friend who really struggled with her divorce and tried to cut me off because l am friends with her ex. I told her l would always be there for her and l'm pleased to say she came back but l was worried she might do something silly too.

Good luck OP. I think this will be a blimp in what sounds like a long term love. The support of women - and their honest opinions and loyal friendship makes life worth living - wherever we find them. She isnt allowed to call you a bitch so you can make that clear and you should. She knows that. X

This is a very interesting (and sad - sorry to hear) viewpoint which is rarely discussed.

it’s always assumed that leaving the bastard will improve life immensely - but it can introduce different problems.

all the best and hope things improve for you

The thing is I sort of get where she is coming from. Like a PP said I had a related problem once and friends were keen to get involved with the drama and support the ‘change’ but I remember being surprised that no one seemed to think about what I might lose too. I get why you might not do that in this situation if the general feeling was her ex wasn’t great. I wouldn’t be too mad with her, this kind of change can be extremely difficult.

Glad to read this. She is clearly really struggling and needs your support and understanding right now.
If she’s a friend, BE a friend.

Sometimes, in that space, people turn the pain outward, and friends become easy scapegoats.
She is responsible for her choices, even if she can’t accept that right now.
It’s possible she may reach out later, once the intensity of her emotions has softened.

She’s in immense pain, this is precisely the time her friends should be supporting her.

What is expected of people who stay in "dead" marriages? I think this is an important point.

If it is ok for them to live essentially as flatmates, have separate rooms and simply split the burden of running a household and caring for young children, while being civil to each other, then that is a very different proposition from saying they should be expected to be emotionally and physically intimate.

It might be ok to expect the first from someone in an unhappy marriage, although it's a pretty woeful way to live, but it is definitely not ok to expect the second.

Firstly you should never encourage a friend to get a divorce. If she stays she knows you don’t think she should and if she leaves she may blame you (see what happened here?). She needs to come to it on her own.

But you can tell her to know her worth and ask her what will make her happy and support her thinking.

Sorry OP you could see this coming. You need to accept she is blaming you now and wait until she can come to a less emotional place .

I do agree with suggestions to send a card or letter to offer support. Even just to say you are there for her and then let her reach out if she wants to. I feel for her, it sounds like she is going through a really tough time.