I think I've lost a friend because I encouraged her to divorce her husband, but I don't think we were wrong?

[GelatinousDynamo]

I'm 100% sure that my friend is not on MN, but have changed details just in case.

She is 49, and for the past three years she has lived alone after her divorce.

Her marriage was far from easy: her husband was just an unpleasant, critical person. He often belittled her appearance (constant "fat jokes"), her cooking, her spending—almost every aspect of her daily life, even in public and amongst friends. He would belittle her in front of everyone and we have all witnessed it. While their kid was at home, she endured it, but once they moved out, the constant criticism became unbearable (this is what she told us when she decided to divorce him).

We've met this weekend ("we" being a group of friends who have known each other for a long time, we meet 5-6 times a year). We've all had a few drinks and then suddenly she seemed to have this meltdown... Basically, she blames us for her divorce. She kept crying about how she now has to carry all responsibilities alone, how lonely she's been. She says that her husband was not a cruel man, that at least he was faithful and that it's our fault that she's all alone now. Said that we should have advised caution, why no one suggested that imperfection is part of every marriage, suggested that we wanted to see her suffer because we were jealous (of what?). That we weren't her real friends, because real friends would not have wished her unhappy and lonely.

I was completely shocked, I didn't expect it. Before divorce, she was active on some boards on FB and saw a therapist (her husband refused counselling so she went on her own). She kept telling us how clear it's become to her, that she was in a toxic relationship, that his behaviour was a form of abuse. We all agreed that she should not accept such treatment. Her therapist never encouraged her to leave him, but the message was consistent: she was being denied the acceptance everyone deserves. I still have her messages from that period, this is what she shared with us at the time. Her expectation was that she would be happier and freer if she left.

After the separation, she seemed really happy. I guess that changed and none of us noticed.

On Saturday, she went home after her outburst, left our WhatsApp group and seems to have blocked us. She obviously blames us for her decisions, but AIBU to think that she's the only one responsible for how her life has turned out? The decision to divorce was ultimately hers, she chose to leave, she signed the papers, she acted. We just stood by her, held her hand and yes, maybe we have encouraged her, but it's surely not our fault that things haven't turned out as she imagined?

Edited some details

I think tho you don't like who she is now and feel aggrieved about her lack of support for you, so this friendship boat has sailed...

She's probably lonely, which is hard, and looking back through rose-tinted glasses at what sounds like a shit-show of a marriage. But that's no excuse for blaming all this on other people. She's an adult woman who needs to take responsibility for her own actions and decisions. You told her what you thought of her husband, sure, and you were supportive of her leaving - but she wasn't obliged to divorce him. She's being absolutely ridiculous, and also cutting off her nose to spite her face because now she's ditched her closest friends, she's going to be a lot more lonely than ever.

Do you think there's a chance she's getting back with her ex-husband? Just wondering if that's what's triggered all this...

Sounds like she is having a period of v poor mental health to push you all away so aggressively when she feels so lonely. Ultimately she needs to do some work on herself and you don’t have to accept anyone speaking like that to you.

You would prefer the toxic relationship?

She listened to you all, made a decision she regrets and now wishes she hadn’t.

But - no one forced her to take your opinions on board, or make the decision to divorce him. It’s unfortunate, but ultimately she made her choice, even if she now regrets it.

She’s lonely and hurting and a drunken outburst at her closest friends should be forgivable.

Very immature people use unjustified blame as a coping mechanism. She is very immature. Yes she is lonely but that can be remedied by finding activities she enjoys and filling up her days. She seems to lack any accountability for poor choices she makes.

Recovery after an abusive relationship is hard, long and complicated. I'd reach out.

People should be so careful who they take advice from and should never, ever make life-altering decisions based on other people’s opinions. And people should be so careful in advising anyone what to do, or what decisions to make. It can end so badly. I’d never involve myself in anyone’s marriage; no one really has the full picture but the two people involved.

’Friends’ are often keenly interested and invested when the drama is unfolding, but rarely want to stick around to offer support in the aftermath. I’ve seen this when marriages end, when people would like support during illnesses - friends you might imagine would be there for support drift away afterwards once they realise there’s no payoff for them, the drama is over, nothing they stand to gain by remaining involved or it might require some effort in their part.

This woman was swayed by her friends, made a decision she regrets and because she’s let them know this, they don’t particularly want to stick around. So he’s left with no marriage and no friends. Shame.

After she separated have you and your friends been supportive and around her? A long time ago a few of my friends encouraged me to split up from a toxic relationship with a drug addict. It was the right decision but as soon as we split up my friends disappeared and I weren't supportive/around and I was really lonely and found that period really hard. At the time I felt like they had disliked my partner and encouraged me to do split to get at him, which probably wasn't true but it felt a bit like I'd been abandoned by them at a very difficult point in my life. I have different friends now!

Well, I disagree with other replies. I think she can go fuck herself.

You're being very judgemental here, and obviously trying to project something? No one "swayed" anyone. We've just been with her all the way through her separation and divorce, she wanted us there. She asked our opinions, she wanted us to get involved and to be there for her. Of course we supported her decisions. But they were HER decisions, she's not some naïve little lamb who was unwillingly led to unhappiness by a bunch of drama-hungry onlookers.

I feel really sorry for her and if a friend of mine had a meltdown like this I'd be contacting them to let them know I'm not upset with them and they should come to me when they are able.

Why are you upset at her? I understand her words were lashing out but it's all down to her own misery. I'd worry my friend would do something stupid if cut off from everyone and couldn't live with myself if I just left them to it.

When I say friend though I mean friend, and not someone I just know. I love my friends like my family.

She was saying her relationship was toxic though. She wasn’t influenced to say that, she said that.

I come from a toxic family, when it broke down I can’t imagine I would have ever put it back on someone who had supported me at that difficult time that I made the choice to go NC. Adults make choices that have consequences and yes leaving behind abusive relationships comes with enormous grief but trying to lay that at someone else’s door is awful.

She is totally out of order. She will probably regret what she has said to you all. Getting divorced was her choice. She is lonely and looking back with rose tinted glasses. Keep away from her and look after yourself.

Yes. We've helped her find an apartment and move, went shopping with her even though we live in three different cities, we all joined an online barre class because she was scared to go to a fitness studio by herself because she felt "too fat" (she's not, it's her ex speaking). Btw, online barre sucks.
I can only speak for myself, but after the initial excitement of being of her own, she stepped back a little and so did we - we went back to the "normal" amount of contact, if that makes sense? We've not abandoned anyone, things just went back to how they used to be.

I will contact her, this thread has helped me look at it from her perspective. But I am hurt, and I'm going to need a few more days before I can face her. I'll coordinate with the others, but I think I'll write her a card, like someone here has suggested. Less "dramatic" than a letter, still somewhat personal...

My ex was financially abusive and controlling; and for about 2 years after the relationship ended I had many evenings where I was so desperately lonely that I would have preferred to have him around than spend another night by myself.

It felt my friends and family egged me on through the drama, offering me support and telling me that things would be better once I was rid of him. And then once I did they all went back to their lives and I was left all alone to try and rebuild something in my 40s.

It tells you how absolutely crushing loneliness is.

So yes I would much rather have stayed in that relationship if I knew that the support my friends were offering was going to drift when I needed it most

I think that's fair and kind of you. There's no reason to assume she's mortified about lashing out as opposed to still cross with you and wanting to be left alone, so good to leave it a few days and just do the card, nothing more at this point. She needs to realise of her own accord how wrong she was to blame you for how she's feeling and maybe that will help her to move on through this tough bit.

Not trying to project anything, although maybe I’ve touched a nerve. You offered your opinions and got involved - maybe you’d have done better to stay out of it and keep your opinions to yourself. Not much good has come of it. She’s unhappy, you’re annoyed.

Is it possible you don't have the full picture here.

Her enthusiasm in exploring the abuse of her husband, her forthright willingness to involve all her friends to understand her new found confidence and determination of filing for divorce, her online participation with FB, sounds a lttle like a premeditated smear campaign, devaluing and disgarding her h.

Maybe I'm cynical but her elation after obtaining the divorce and then a quieter period suggests she may have had someone waiting in the wings.

Maybe her lack of confidence now, her anger and her loneliness could be due to her being dumped by someone else, the KISA.

This person may have been completly covert and hidden from everyone.

Could her h have also moved on.

I think that's a good idea. I wouldn't bring up your own hurt feelings just yet - I suspect that if you open the conversation and hear her out, you'll naturally get an apology as she gets more clarity on her situation. At least give her a chance to work things out with you all.

I know you want to talk to your other friends, but be careful it doesn't come across as three against one. You don't all have to be of one mind about the situation. And it would be a shame to make your friend feel that you've all collaborated on a version of events.

If it were me, I think I would get in touch as an individual, saying I was shocked by what she said and have been reflecting seriously about it. I'd say, "I value your friendship and love you a lot [if that's true] and I would like to listen to what you have to say and to better understand how you see things, and if you're open to it, I'd like to share my perspective, too. I'm sure between us we can work things out. I don't want to lose your friendship. Please get in touch and let's talk." Something along those lines.

I don’t think that you can expect support to continue on and on and on though. It is not realistic to think that people can support you at crisis level indefinitely. What about their lives and their issues?

Don’t get me wrong I hear you when you say it was extremely lonely but a financially abusive and controlling relationship is lonely and disconnected too.

I had a truly horrendous situation with my own family which I had very little support outside of my husband with so I really tried to support a friend when she was going through something similar knowing how hard it was but eventually I completely ran out of steam and could never have supported her at the level of input she needed, it ended our friendship from both sides.

Adults have to take responsibility for their own choices, it is the only way forward.

She’s probably mortified, which is why she’s blocked you. What she said was unfair, but as others have said she seems to be really struggling.

It’s difficult to be single after a long relationship, for all sorts of reasons.

And made harder if you are not as young and the object of the male attention you were when you were last single. Which makes it harder to start again for some people.

Be patient with her if you can

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