I think I've lost a friend because I encouraged her to divorce her husband, but I don't think we were wrong?

[GelatinousDynamo]

I'm 100% sure that my friend is not on MN, but have changed details just in case.

She is 49, and for the past three years she has lived alone after her divorce.

Her marriage was far from easy: her husband was just an unpleasant, critical person. He often belittled her appearance (constant "fat jokes"), her cooking, her spending—almost every aspect of her daily life, even in public and amongst friends. He would belittle her in front of everyone and we have all witnessed it. While their kid was at home, she endured it, but once they moved out, the constant criticism became unbearable (this is what she told us when she decided to divorce him).

We've met this weekend ("we" being a group of friends who have known each other for a long time, we meet 5-6 times a year). We've all had a few drinks and then suddenly she seemed to have this meltdown... Basically, she blames us for her divorce. She kept crying about how she now has to carry all responsibilities alone, how lonely she's been. She says that her husband was not a cruel man, that at least he was faithful and that it's our fault that she's all alone now. Said that we should have advised caution, why no one suggested that imperfection is part of every marriage, suggested that we wanted to see her suffer because we were jealous (of what?). That we weren't her real friends, because real friends would not have wished her unhappy and lonely.

I was completely shocked, I didn't expect it. Before divorce, she was active on some boards on FB and saw a therapist (her husband refused counselling so she went on her own). She kept telling us how clear it's become to her, that she was in a toxic relationship, that his behaviour was a form of abuse. We all agreed that she should not accept such treatment. Her therapist never encouraged her to leave him, but the message was consistent: she was being denied the acceptance everyone deserves. I still have her messages from that period, this is what she shared with us at the time. Her expectation was that she would be happier and freer if she left.

After the separation, she seemed really happy. I guess that changed and none of us noticed.

On Saturday, she went home after her outburst, left our WhatsApp group and seems to have blocked us. She obviously blames us for her decisions, but AIBU to think that she's the only one responsible for how her life has turned out? The decision to divorce was ultimately hers, she chose to leave, she signed the papers, she acted. We just stood by her, held her hand and yes, maybe we have encouraged her, but it's surely not our fault that things haven't turned out as she imagined?

Edited some details

I think two things can be true.
She was in a toxic relationship.
She's very lonely since out of it.

Not your fault though.

I think she is remembering things through roses tinted glasses. She is obviously feeling lonely and sorry for herself. I think eventually she will get through this stage and remember things more clearly.

Sounds like she is grieving the marriage ending and the reality of having to be independent. I would write her a letter as she needs some support right now and her angry meltdown is going to isolate her further.

Maybe I'm also being ruled by emotions, but I feel like we deserve an apology. I don't think I could write her a supportive letter as things stand now.

She doesn't want to own her decision, so is blaming you all.

Don’t wait for an apology please. She’s in pain. Divorce is not always the answer. I read somewhere that even for unhappy marriages, a divorce is not always a happier road to travel.
She needs support and time to grieve. Not saying you support her, she could have therapy.
Life is for living, find happiness in all the things she can do now that she could not before, it’s not your fault. But an apology is too much to expect at this time.

Be patient, recovering from traumatic events takes time and is a winding road.

Go and visit her. Let her know you are there for her if she wants to talk.
Try and get her to open up, without the influence of alcohol. It sounds like the 'honeymoon' period of being single has come to an end and now she is lonely and grieving.

I split from my ex 2 years ago. The reality is only just hitting. The cost, the loneliness, the fact that I am responsible for every single thing that needs doing.

she’s not right to blame you but it’s hard. So maybe it’s not about who’s right but being a kind friend to someone who’s suffering?

She's grieving and sounds like she has reached the anger stage so is lashing out. Obvioualy enabled by alcohol. If you are a true friend, you'll understand this and remain there for her.

You certainly shouldn't be waiting on an apology. I'd wait a few days and then pop a card in the post

If you want to be a good friend, go and see her, get in touch. It sounds like she's lonely and in a lot of pain. The question is whether or not you still want to be friends. If you do, then get in touch with her and tell her you really want to listen and be there for her. Try to see it from her point of view. Maybe after she divorced her husband, the support from her friends evaporated - you didn't see that she still needed you, maybe? And maybe you did encourage her too much, and should have tried to be impartial? Maybe she felt that she would be letting you all down if she expressed any doubts or misgivings, or showed that she wasn't happy? Of course she is responsible for her own decisions, but maybe you could offer her the chance to be listened to and understand.

If you don't want to be friends, then sitting around with your other friends criticising and judging her and waiting for an apology will get you that result.

Oh op I think this is the moment the group step up not step down. You need to be the bigger person and see her as she is. Wounded and lonely. You might get an acknowledgement further down the line.

Be aware the group is setting a precedent, if you abandon her now with a lack of empathy the next time the shit hits the fan for one of you - you can expect the same reaction. Emotional intelligence is required now.

It's petty to be holding out for an apology. In reality, making up may be more of a gentle back and forth. We should be prepared to overlook the occasional outburst from hurt, unhappy people.

Yes an apology would be nice, but she wasn't really trying to hurt you - she's angry with herself for not making divorce a success.

A lot of people don’t want to be accountable for their own choices.

I left a toxic relationship. One of the things no one prepares you for is the loneliness once it's over. All those people who were supportive and encouraged me to end it suddenly disappeared because the problem was "over". I went for months wishing I had my ex back just to have some (any) company in the evenings.

All my friends and family got on with their lives, once we split up and I was left trying to find ways to fill my time. If I'd realised their support was going to end as soon as I closed the door on the relationship I probably wouldn't have done it.

This screams like a massive cry for help. If you do love this friend, reach out and make sure she’s okay.

She's blocked the OP. I don't think I'd be reaching out or heading around there to visit her. She knows where OP is if she has second thoughts and wants contact but it's pretty clear she doesn't want contact right now and isn't ready to take responsibility for her own choices. I'd wait it out and test the waters in a couple of months if she's not resurfaced. You don't have to accepting any blame when you do, just check in on her to see how she's feeling and keep things at that level until she's ready for a less blinkered reflection on it all.

I would say she's blocked you because she's embarrassed about her outburst and wants to avoid the humiliation of seeing you all again.

You are not responsible for how her life turned out but sometimes we behave unreasonably when we're in pain. I understand you feel hurt by her behaviour too but I think right now she's lonely and needs friends more than ever.

Give it a week or two and see if you feel able to send her a note then.

OK, it’s cheesy, but this scene from Ted Lasso, between Rebecca and Ted, jumped to mind. Perhaps your friend is acting out as she’s in pain, trying to cope with freedom after years of extreme control?

Thank for sharing your experience. I think there might be some truth to it.
It's not that we have disappeared after her divorce, it's more that contact went back to how it used to be before it happened... She might have felt abandoned, I guess, after the intensive period where we've all rallied around her. I can only speak for myself, but to me it felt like a switch "back to normal".

Yep, this nails it

When I look back, she used to be one of those girls who could never stay single for more than a week. Then she met her (now ex) husband and got married - he was handsome, wealthy and reliable (and even back then, a judgemental jerk), and she wanted a baby.

So you might all be right that from her perspective, those were probably very lonely three years, she seems not to have "hit the dating scene" like she's imagined. So, if I muster all my reserves of empathy, then yes, I do feel sorry for her. But I'm also hurt, and being called a jealous bitch didn't help. I was there for her shortly after my mother died, and forgave her for being so self-centred at the time because she obviously had a lot going on. But now I can't help but think back on it and regret that I got so involved in her life (with plenty of invitation).

I haven't spoken to the other two yet.

She is lonely, often people will stick with someone just bcos they don’t want be by themselves, so is now thinking that would have been preferable.

💯 this.

If OP was there to support friend to leave this toxic relationship at the start then this is the latter part of the journey to independence that friend also needs to support with.

I can so relate as I have no family/friends network here and stayed a little longer in my last toxic relationship because the payoff was so bittersweet - away from his constant accusations of cheating and paranoia including spying on my whereabouts but at the same time knowing I’d be flung right back into isolation with my social life taking a deep dive into the abyss and back to spending all Christmases and birthdays alone. Your friend is going through it and hopefully you will be there for her and not make this as a PP said about making it dependant on an apology from her.

Waiting for an apology is pointless.

As others have said, she's desperately lonely, grieving what she had, and regretting her choices. It's not your fault, but she's in a terrible place right now.

She's probably also mortified about her meltdown, now. And she'll recognise that she's going to be even lonelier, having cut you off.

So yes, when you meet up with the others, try not to wind each other up about how she behaved and how unfair it was and how angry you are. Bring the temperature down and recognise that although you didn't deserve it, she wasn't herself.