AIBU to just split the house 50/50, even though I will walk away with debt & him with savings?

[miserableaboutmoney]

In the process of separating from DH. We have DS19 and DD16, both in full-time education.

DH and I earn the same when working FT, but I went PT for 10years to be with the kids, save on childcare and also assist his elderly parents.

We own a house together. When we first met, I had about £25k of personal debt. I was later made redundant and had a payout, which I was planning to use to clear that debt. Instead, we used £15k of it for a house deposit and the rest for living expenses while I wasn’t working for 6months. During that time we lived with his parents rent-free and he was adding to the deposit pot from his earnings. By the time we bought the house, there was nearly £30k altogether.

Since then, we’ve split general household costs 50/50. I paid the debt repayments from my PT salary and often had nothing spare, sometimes resorting to credit cards just to get through the month. He, on the other hand, has been able to save. For big costs (holidays, house maintenance etc.) he’s generally covered them for the whole family.

I also homeschooled DD for 3 years (due to a mental health crisis), costing around £10k. I put that on a credit card (with DH’s agreement). The plan was to repay it from her higher education ISA in a few years (with her knowledge and consent), but in the meantime the debt is in my name and I’m paying the interest.

Money has been a big factor in our marriage and now we’re separating. For ease (and to keep things amicable), I’m leaning towards just splitting the house 50/50. I’d use my share to clear the debts and then we’d both go our separate ways.

But am I doing myself an injustice by not pushing for something like a 60/40 split, given that I’ll be leaving with debt while he has savings?

Worth saying: my debt is a mix of home-related stuff and, admittedly, my long-standing poor attitude to debt (it’s been part of my life since student days). I am really trying to get a grip on it now, but it feels unfair that I walk away with nothing while he walks away with savings.

Has anyone been in a similar position? What’s fair here?

get legal advice and start the process with at least mediation

if you are dealing with the sort of man who is throwing those points at you this cannot be done without legal advice

If the world was fair you'd be getting way more than 50%, he's taken massive advantage of you financially throughout your marriage. You should be claiming back what it would have cost him in childcare and elder care if you hadn't gone part time, it's insane that he expected you to do all that and still contribute 50/50 out of a part time salary. I also can't believe he'd expect you to carry the debt of your daughter's home ed.

I think this is one of those occasions when you can't afford not to consult a solicitor. Don't let him get away with any more financial abuse.

This is correct.

Find the money for a solicitor. Its the best money you will ever spend.
Sounds like he has kept you poor

I think you need to look at financial settlement in its entirety, not just the house. Debts, pensions, any other marital assets.

I doubt a judge would sign on this deal that you are propsing. It is hugely in favour of one party. You also haven't included pensions. If he has been working FT whilst you have been working PT he will most likely have a bigger pension pot than you. You should start by doing mediation and then you need to fight for your fair share. It's not fun or nice but it's a must.

This is why she needs a solicitor. My ex had a debt before marriage that he tried to claim was half mine because we were now married. It had jack shit to do with me but some of it was still taken into account as such It’s situation dependent I suppose though.

I think additional context would be really helpful too here, when you say he has savings, do you mean for example 5k, or 50k? (Did you put the homeschooling debt on a credit card because the savings pot was small and needed for emergencies, or was he being financially controlling and he had large sums of money in his name?) what size are your and his pension pots? How much equity is in your house? Do you have full financial transparency or is he hiding things?/ has lots in his name only?

He doesn’t seem to grasp the concept of a marriage does he? Not surprised you are separating. YABVU to yourself if you split the house 50:50 and you take the hit with the debt. Sounds like a lot of the debt is tied with raising your children and providing a roof over their heads and he is therefore jointly responsible. Please get some good financial advice OP, don’t put yourself at detriment. Best of luck to you!

Why would you walk away with less than you owed and have worked for unpaid or paid for the last few decades? That would be foolish. Your assets, pensions and debts, including cars all go in a pot. The starting point of that is 50/50 but there is a high chance you will actually be owed more as your earning potential as a result of you contributing more to the children’s upbringing is less. After that long a marriage you are due an equal retirement.

DO NOT WALK AWAY WITH LESS THAN YOU ARE DUE.

Why should you have to do worse financially to keep him amicable? If he can’t be amicable with a fair split, then that is on him and not on you.

I think everything should be 50/50 given the debt is family debt. So house 50/50, savings 50/50, debt 50/50

Accidentally voted the wrong way - you’re completely unreasonable to split the house 50/50!
The major decisions you took were done within your marriage, the divorce needs to reflect that: debts, savings, the lot.
Please don’t short change yourself of many thousands of pounds just for “ease”.

Do NOT accept this. You should apply for half of everything including pensions. You took financial decisions together throughout your marriage. He managed the savings because he’s better with money; presumably you were sahm and home-educator and second smaller career because that’s how you both agreed things should be.

He doesn’t have a right to cash in now simply because he happens to be the one named on the account that contains the money.

Get a solicitor and take what’s owed to you.

Why would you do that? You need to itemise everything - assets and liabilities as they are all part of the household finances and then work out the equitable split. Might be 50:50, might not be but no point in just accepting a bad deal for no reason. You might not even get it signed off if it ends up being unnecessarily to your detriment.

You also need to look at pensions. Given the children’s ages I am not sure you would get more than 50% of the house assuming everything else split equally.

My sister and her ex divorced after over 25 years and their children were slightly older than yours. She had worked pt and my ex BIL FT. They split house 70/30 in favour of my sister as she put an inheritance in to pay off mortgage and she got 30% of his very good pension. They split savings and no debt and she kept her own small pension. That was amicable but my BIL earned a lot more than her.

1. That’s not how that works—you spent £1k of the marital assets; he didn’t “lend” it to you.
2. That’s not how that works—the car is a joint marital asset—it gets added to the marital asset pot to be split.
3. Good. You will get child maintenance.

Don't do it. You're entitled to a fair split which might mean more than 50% to you if the children are going to live with you, but 50% including debts, savings and pensions should be the starting point. It sounds like you're considering accepting less than 0%?? So your debt is greater than 50% of the equity?

He’s delusional and treating you like you’re stupid. Don’t accept anything he says. I’d even be tempted to get a forensic accountant.

Your husband has been able to save due to a life that you have facilitated for him . His financial security is a direct result of your unpaid labour.
Everything (and I do mean everything) in to one pot and that number is split 50/50

No do not do it.

If he wants 50/50 then it’s for everything, including debt, savings, pension etc. he could save because he wasn’t paying 50% of full time childcare. He wasn’t paying half of your dcs home ed costs, he wasn’t covering bills in proportion to his earnings.

half of everything, not just the bits he wants.

Speak to a solicitor.

50/50 House, debt, pensions, savings. He sounds financially abusive.

I think you’ve probably been financially abused for so long op that you’ve lost sight of which way is up.
i imagine a trip to a good solicitor will have you crying happy tears as someone explains to you your worth.

He's financially abusive.

You’d be mad to do this! You stepped back from a career for family reasons which enabled him to keep earning/progressing and saving. I presume he also paid in to a pension.

Please get proper legal advice and ensure things are split fairly to both of you. You’ll have a very poor old age if you don’t, and will struggle to make your half the house go far. He agreed the 10k debt due to homeschooling so needs to take responsibility for 50% of it.

A few awkward conversations now, and maybe some uncomfortable weeks in the house, will pay dividends. Don’t let him talk you into walking away with less than him.