AIBU to just split the house 50/50, even though I will walk away with debt & him with savings?

[miserableaboutmoney]

In the process of separating from DH. We have DS19 and DD16, both in full-time education.

DH and I earn the same when working FT, but I went PT for 10years to be with the kids, save on childcare and also assist his elderly parents.

We own a house together. When we first met, I had about £25k of personal debt. I was later made redundant and had a payout, which I was planning to use to clear that debt. Instead, we used £15k of it for a house deposit and the rest for living expenses while I wasn’t working for 6months. During that time we lived with his parents rent-free and he was adding to the deposit pot from his earnings. By the time we bought the house, there was nearly £30k altogether.

Since then, we’ve split general household costs 50/50. I paid the debt repayments from my PT salary and often had nothing spare, sometimes resorting to credit cards just to get through the month. He, on the other hand, has been able to save. For big costs (holidays, house maintenance etc.) he’s generally covered them for the whole family.

I also homeschooled DD for 3 years (due to a mental health crisis), costing around £10k. I put that on a credit card (with DH’s agreement). The plan was to repay it from her higher education ISA in a few years (with her knowledge and consent), but in the meantime the debt is in my name and I’m paying the interest.

Money has been a big factor in our marriage and now we’re separating. For ease (and to keep things amicable), I’m leaning towards just splitting the house 50/50. I’d use my share to clear the debts and then we’d both go our separate ways.

But am I doing myself an injustice by not pushing for something like a 60/40 split, given that I’ll be leaving with debt while he has savings?

Worth saying: my debt is a mix of home-related stuff and, admittedly, my long-standing poor attitude to debt (it’s been part of my life since student days). I am really trying to get a grip on it now, but it feels unfair that I walk away with nothing while he walks away with savings.

Has anyone been in a similar position? What’s fair here?

50/50 of everything including the debt.

And the savings

Yes, you would be doing yourself a huge injustice and you will come to regret it. Insist on a proper 50:50 of all assets, including his pension, his savings, your debt, and the house equity. There’s absolutely no point giving him tens of thousands of pounds in the hope it will keep him amicable, it won’t.

I think you need proper legal advice on a financial settlement. It looks like you have taken all the financial hits during your marriage. There's an impact to your pension, from going part-time, to look after children and his parents.

50/50 is extremely unfair to you

In a long marriage everything is shared.

The starting point is 50/50 on everything - The savings should be split 50/50. Pensions should be split 50/50. Debts should be spilt 50/50. Equity in the house is split 50/50.

However if one person has lower earning capacity, still has children at home, then they may be awarded more than 50%.

It is imperative that you see a solicitor and you don’t agree to anything with your Husband without doing that.

Family assets and family debt split 50/50. Anything less is an insult

Thanks guys. A couple of extra points (drip feed) but they seem less relevant now I’ve read these replies already.

1. He ‘lent’ me £1k last year as I was struggling and he wants that back.
2. We sold my car and he bought me a newer one that is ULEZ compliant that we can both use. He wants to be paid back for that.
3. Both children would live with me when we separate.

But it’s not just about you and him…it’s about the dc and the two of you being able to provide adequate housing for them by yourselves. EVERYTHING is taken into account and is considered in the decision making! Do you have solicitor? If no..get one! A good solicitor won’t let you come out with nothing and him with something!

I don’t think the context here matters. IMO, the savings/money from house sale should be used to clear the debt and you split what’s left 50/50

Tell us why he cannot shoulder some of the cost attached to raising his own children? Tell us why the cost of supporting his parents in their frailty falls to you? Tell us why you get nothing of the savings he has built due to your sacrifices?

I think it’s time to reframe your thinking here. And that includes pension pots. Otherwise you are equating yourself with a bangmaid, except you are his wife, the mother of his children and the carer of his parents. You deserve what is rightfully yours.

From my skimmed understanding:

You both contributed 50% to the deposit and you both contributed equally to the home (him financially, you by working part time and looking after kids).

You had 25k personal debt and half of your daughter's homeschooling care costs which you have so far paid alone (£10k)

My view is that you should split equity, pension and homeschool costs [ETA SAVINGS] 50/50 and you retain responsibility for the 25k personal debt.

The kids should choose where to live, which may then factor into how the house equity is split in practice.

Oh, and the costs of raising your children together have not ceased because you are divorcing, either. That needs to be taken into account.

Difficult but I would seek legal advice then you will have impartial knowledge.If you say you have had debt issue since being a student are you not money savvy?Are you planning on working full time and your DC live with you as that needs to be considered in a settlement.CSA for the younger child .You are also married.

He is trying to rip you off. Refuse to discuss anything with him directly.

“I’ll discuss that with my Solicitor” is your answer to everything. Any mention of money, splitting assets, splitting childcare going forward - absolutely refuse to discuss it with him. Do no agree to anything.

Don't 'pay him back' for anything. Propose 50/50 savings 50/50 equity and 50/50 debt. If he won't agree to that then I would instruct a solicitor. Have you thought about pensions?

The starting point would be net assets to be divided equally, and the debt should be accounted for before dividing everything else - ie, the debt should reduce the pot. THis would especially be the case given that the debt is a family debt, and your earning power has been affected by the contributions you have made to family life.
So if total savings are eg 200k and equity in house is worth 300k and his pension is worth 300k, and yours 50k, you'd then reasonably expect to get half of 200+300+300+150 , less the debt - half of (950k-the debt). It may be that you'd be advised to ask for more than half if your earning capacity has been substantially reduced because of family obligations.
It seems to me that half of the equity of the house and you being solely responsible for the debt is wholly unreasonsable, you are entitled to ( and have earned) a much bigger stake than that.
Find out what his saving are, what his pension is worth and see a solicitor. You need proper legal advice based on your actual circumstances. The more precise the info you can give the solicitor, the more accurate that advice will be.
The value of the equity in the house is just part of the pot.

It's not very clear, why would he walk away with "savings"? Do you mean his share of the house? If he has any proper savings acquired during the marriage, why was this not out towards the joint debt?

Debt acquired for your children or during the marriage for your family should be shared 50/50, I don't know why you would think otherwise.

Debts acquired before the marriage, I would be inclined to say are yours. And I think legally they are anyway.

Point 3 trumps everything else. Don’t give in on point 1 and 2. Everything gets split.

I say this as someone who used personal inheritance to clear some joint debt and split the rest of it 50/50 when we divorced - so technically I ended up worse off financially than I would have been if we hadn’t been married. But we share custody of our son 50/50 so I reconcile it that way (and inheritance that came through after the marriage broke down is a grey area I think)

In the eyes of the law the debt is 50/50 so he can't demand it back

He is delusional and utterly unreasonable. There is no way you are going to be able to keep this amicable. Get a lawyer, ignore his demands and go for a full 50:50.

Just to add that in my opinion he has been financially abusive to you throughout your marriage. Requiring you to pay 50% even though you worked part time to support your joint children. Making you put homeschooling costs on a credit card when he has savings! And even worse, then expecting your daughter to pay her own schooling costs back. It’s abhorrent. So please, please don’t feel like he has any moral right to more than 50%. Find your anger now and fight for what you deserve.

50:50 on everything- debt, savings, equity and pensions

Absolutely this, the savings aren’t his, the debt it’s yours, it’s all joint - OP please get some legal advice before agreeing to anything.

You are married. He has benefited by no child care costs and has continued pension provision for him and I assume not for you

50/50 across the board so debt, house, pension, cars the lot

An absolutely huge injustice
In what world is it fair for your husband to be earning enough to save, while you’re developing debts looking after the household and while you’re looking after children. If you had no children and had been able to work full-time, then I might agree with you.
You need to really stop and think about this. If you clear your debt in the immediate term, it has to be both of you clearing all debts from the sale of the house.
Or his savings being put into the pot? It’s totally wrong that he has separate savings.