To no longer care about men or the male gaze

[0876gyjijg]

Having turned 45, it has dawned on me that my life is less and less centered on booked. Dh and I have t been doing all that great for years, don't share a room or have sex but actually not all that bothered. Clearly it's due to the change but I just don't care about their shit anymore. As a professional woman, I interact with plenty at work. However, much of my world is now pretty female centered and that's kind of ok. Never thought that would be the case but that's kind of where am at. I could easily have half a life to go and while so much is focused on male/female dynamics, am just not bothered. Is that what most people feel after the change or just me?

@0876gyjijg I understand how you feel. I'm 10 years older than you and always used to wear makeup and dress nicely and enjoy thinking I looked 'nice' for men to find me attractive. But a series of life events changed my mind as well as a still ongoing peri menopause and a couple of years ago I stopped bothering. I really miss cuddles and sex but can't put myself through the hassle of making myself look 'nice' enough to attract a man as the only ones who would be attracted to me are the ones I don't find attractive. Sometimes I look at well dressed, well groomed women of my age and wish I had the desire to spend time and money looking that way but even if I had the desire I don't have the money!

Interesting post @0876gyjijg . I'm mid 50s now and I will be very honest and say that I missed the "male gaze" in my 40s. It felt like part of my slip into invisibility and it made me feel sad about aging.

I now am fitter, slimmer and healthier and have time and money to dress better than I used to because my DC are all grown up. I don't definitely care about who is gazing at me now but care a huge amount about my own opinion of myself, much more than I ever used to. I love looking and feeling well put together and healthy but for no one other than myself.

I recently ended a 5 year relationship and I know that I cannot be arsed to try and accommodate another adult (man in my case) in my life anymore. I enjoy male company but the complexities of trying to pull together two families and two more set in their ways adults is beyond me now. I feel very fortunate that I am financially independent and the world is geared up to single adults these days and I can do everything I want to do without a partner.

There is always a fringe element but most people know this is not representative of an entire movement.

You're totally entitled to care / not care about whatever you like. If you mean you've had it with relationships and don't feel the need to impress men, then that seems perfectly reasonable, but if it feels like a revelation to you, then I'm wondering if it was previously a very big deal to you and that's why you're noticing the contrast?

Most of my interactions with men have never really been about impressing them or attracting them, even when I was much younger. Sure, I've wanted the men I find attractive to be attracted to me in return, but I think I can honestly say that my life hasn't really ever been centred on 'male-female dynamics'. I've always had male friends without feeling any tension around 'the male gaze' - in fact, I would say I've generally thought less about my appearance and behaviour when socialising with male friends than I have when socialising with women.

I'm 49. I still love sex and want to have as much of it as possible, so yeah, I care that my partner finds me attractive, but he's always been just as likely to be up for sex when I'm loafing around on the sofa and haven't even showered as he is when I'm looking at my most groomed.

Unlike @smallpinecone I absolutely do consider myself a proud feminist, but I personally don't think feminism is best served by acting like men and women are separate species who would ideally be segregated except for mating. It's as reductive and prejudiced towards women as it is to men, in my view.

I notice nowadays when men look at me. Because I’m not sexy or even pretty any more, so if they’re looking at me it might possibly be because they see a potential friend or kindred spirit. Which means we are just human beings, I hope, rather than animalistic.

i havent tried to look appealing to men since I got to my mid fifties and realised that I’d not had enough of true value from men, to invest further.

I’m mid 50s and I do care what my DH thinks about my appearance but not other men. I have always felt I dress and groom for myself. My appearance matters to me. I tend to be in male company a lot. My DH my dad my DS my brother my nephew but in reality I prefer female company 100%. My sis and dd live hours away so while I do see them it’s not as often. I enjoy being with females so much more…the conversation /sharing preparing a meal /going out for a meal /shopping /exercising. I’m not sure this is “not caring about the male gaze” it’s just preference. And I do not watch tv and rarely see movies so I have shielded myself from the persistent pervasive exploitation of women in media. I just saw and IG reel of Beverly Hills 90210 and Jesus what crap. Adult male thoughts and fantasies coming out of the mouths of children. Male gaze in media is so so pervasive.

I was recently in the extended company of a recent widow and a recent divorced female both 65 talking about men and dating and I thought to myself you have no idea of the dating world today…how limited it is and how men of all ages feel single women are a sexual buffet each to be sampled. MN has educated me a lot about later in life dating

Good for you. Maybe you've never been raped or abused or seriously discriminated against then.

You know there are a lot of women out there that haven't been raped, abused or otherwise mistreated by men?
I have never been sexually assaulted, financially abused and at 42 I am still not invisible.
I have a teenage daughter and I spend a huge amount of mental energy trying to decide if I do enough to keep her safe so I do see both sides of the argument but most threads on MN demonise all men and I just don't think that's reasonable.
As well as my teenage daughter I have a soon to be 19 year old son, I have parented him to the absolute best of my abilities and have had regular talks about consent since he was fairly young. He is a giant soft (boy) man and I have to let him go out into a world where potentially half of the population might hate him from the moment they see him! Thankfully I live in the real world and not the la-la land that is MN so I think he'll be okay.

I have cognitive dissonance re: the male gaze.

We live in a patriarchal society so appealing to the male gaze has assisted me a lot - financially, practically, socially.

As I grow older (mid 40s), I’m now the higher earner in my household so rely on the male gaze less in a financial and practical sense.

However I’m a very affectionate, romantic and loving person. I thrive being part of a couple. So even when full menopause hits and libido dwindles, I’ll still somewhat care about the male gaze as Im heterosexual and don’t want to be single.

Id love to NGAF but it’s not my personality to be a lone wolf. I admire those women immensely however.

Same here! The ‘male gaze?’ is that when a man looks at you?

Yes, what the hell is booked?

Google. It’s not difficult

Maybe autocorrect for “looks”?

I dont look at them if I'm out, so i don't notice if it even did happen😅

I never cared either and didn’t settle down till I was 30. They seemed a hinderance because in a relationship you have to bloody consider them and I had no time for that. A man was secondary to my vision of not being poor as had grown up in poverty.

The odd thing was my friends who were very much worrying about men seemed to have the worst luck. Myself and my mate, we had known each other since 15 had similar attitudes and men pursued us the more. One of my friends even had a ‘bottom drawer’ saving things for her life with a man.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Well this is extremely minimalising and unlikely to be true. How many women have NEVER been abused or discriminated against?

A bottom drawer? What was in it?

Im assuming she’s a boomer?

What a charming thing to say.

No she was Gen X, she did get her children and was engaged. She died very sadly in her early fifties. She had stuff like nice hand towels in it.

😂😂😂😂😂 that’s not OTT at all!!

😂😂😂

I have never appreciated the male gaze, and one of the joys of middle age is becoming more and more invisible. I’m embracing my grey hairs and wrinkles.

Having being leered at and perved on since I was TEN, it’s sweet relief now I’m middle aged and nobody notices me. Blissful invisibility.