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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No I'm bloody well not. My parents are completely unreasonable though. Grrr.

55 replies

BroccoliSpears · 02/06/2008 11:24

I have been trying so hard to not let this bother me, but I've just ended up stewing on it all weekend and now I need to rant.

I have a 5-week-old son. My parents haven't come to see him yet. I'm not entirely sure why. I think they're just not very interested in me generally. My mum didn't know when my due date was when I phoned her the day after it. And when I phoned to tell them they had a new grandson she said "oh lovely, have you been in labour all this time then [2 days]? We assumed that you must have given up when we didn't hear".

So, a couple of times I've asked if they're coming and my dad gets all defensive and passive aggressive and makes me feel guilty for doubting that they care .

Anyway, here's the bit that I really need to get out of my system: I was talking to my dad late last week. He was going on about how excited he is about new grandson blah blah blah (forgive my cynicism, but talk is cheap). He then said, "you do understand why we haven't come to see him yet, don't you?" And I said no, not really, and asked him why.

"Well", he says, "To be honest, once you've seen one newborn you've seen them all. New babies are a bit boring really so we thought we'd let you get this bit over with and not crowd you and then we'll come when you're more settled and more up for visitors."

More able to cook a decent meal and entertain you as guests and less likely to need help you mean?

For fuck's sake.

The really irritating thing is that he's not completely wrong, newborns aren't as exciting as older children I suppose (older children like my daughter who is two and who they have seen once since her 1st birthday?) but could he at least pretend to be vaguely interested? I guess not.

Ahhhhh... I need to release this into cyberspace now or I'll stew and stew and stew until I go cross eyed. Bloody parents.

OP posts:

moopdaloop · 02/06/2008 11:26

grrrrs in sympathy

that sounds really annoying

NorthernLurker · 02/06/2008 11:27

YANBU - I would be very hurt were I in your shoes. I would say 'stuff them' tbh! And as for newborns not being exciting - a whole new person just come into the world - i mean come on, how many chances do you get to meet someone who you will know for the rest of your lives - you'd want to start the relationship asap wouldn't you?

cupsoftea · 02/06/2008 11:28

don't invite them - just wait until they call you saying they want to visit.

seems a shame they can see the total lovelyness of holding their newborn ds. But what's important to your ds is you.

cupsoftea · 02/06/2008 11:29

meant grandson!!

posieparker · 02/06/2008 11:29

They sound horrid and selfish, whether they feel like that about newborns or not IT IS YOUR NEWBORN and they should want to share your joy. My mother is a little like the more you except her to love something the less she'll do it, a little childish but I'm wondering if your parents are the same. They just don;t want to perform? Perhaps it reminds them of their age? Or means they're not the centre of attention?
Let's hope they're brilliant later on?
YANBU

posieflump · 02/06/2008 11:32

I really feel for you
My mother was such a help when my second was born, takingthe eldest out etc
Maybe you need to ring and actually ask for their help?
Did they send anything, a present etc?
Have you a nice MIL?
{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

tearinghairout · 02/06/2008 11:33

More info needed in order to assess unreasonableness - how far away do they live? Are they old/ill? Do they live round the corner or would they need to stay the night somewhere?

nametaken · 02/06/2008 11:43

I find that attitude quite sad

Eddas · 02/06/2008 11:44

i can't believe that he said that but hasn't seen dd since her first birthday how old do they have to be to be interesting some grandparents attitudes are very odd imo. But i suppose everyone is different

If I were you i woudln't bother ringing them or asking if they're coming. They'll probably get the hump when you don't ask though

If it's any consolation my dad is much the same mil/step fil are brilliant though and make up for their lack of interest. FIL is even worse than my dad though and has seen dd(4) about 7 times and ds(1) about 3 times. their loss as far as i'm concerned, they better not ever complain that to dd(and ds when he gets older) step FIL is who they consider their grandad, he is the only one who behaves like one, he's fantastic

cheeset · 02/06/2008 11:46

My sympathies, know how you feel. Been there got the t-shirt.

ajandjjmum · 02/06/2008 11:48

BS
Same happened with my PIL when both DS and DD were born.
DS was born with a cleft lip and palate, and we needed every bit of support. I was just very sad for DH - fortunately we were surrounded by lots of people who really cared, but he must have missed his parents.
They never came to see DD although MIL was due to have a back operation 4 weeks after she was born, when she knew that she wouldn't be able to travel for some time. So one seriously hot June day saw DH and me driving DD (then aged 5 weeks) 150 miles to meet her Grandma in hospital!
My two are now teenagers, and they care for their GP's, but don't consider them to be particularly close, which is really very sad.

piratecat · 02/06/2008 11:51

maybe they are taking it persoanlly cos you didn't let them know when you went into labour?

Love2bake · 02/06/2008 11:53

That is awful and YANBU.

Can't understand any parents being like that. Poor you.

Just concentrate on your lovely newborn and try and put it to one side.

FloriaTosca · 02/06/2008 11:57

Hi Broccoi
First, congratulations on your new son. I wish you all the joy in the world with him and your daughter as well of course.

Commisserations on your parents however.My maternal grandparents didnt have a relationship with me either,they manufactured an argument with my mother just before I was born apparently in order to abdicate all grandparental responsibilities. All it boiled down to was that they were a pair of incredibly selfish, selfcentred individuals who should never have married each other and certainly shouldn't have had children. Grandma didnt see me until I was 10 months old (they lived less than a mile away and needed to pass our house in order to get to the hospital where she had weekly appointments)by which time I hated all strangers and screamed at the mere sight of her. When grandad died shortly after she was a very lonely old woman who spent the rest of her life trying to win me round (financially)because she had burned all her boats with my mum. It was their/her loss( and my financial gain) My missing grandmother figure was fully filled by her sister, my great aunt who was a magical fairy godmother like presence in my life. My parents in contrast to theirs were wonderful, Dad sadly passed away last year but Mum and I have a fantastic relationship and she is phenomenal with my ds (8 mths)...the brilliant relationship has been forged partly by her learning from her ultra self centred mother and doing precisely the opposite, though I know she was very much hurt to the quick by their actions at the time.
Your parents are selfish. Yanbu. But failing to establish a relationship with their grandchildren is their loss, not yours (though no doubt a bit of support, concern and help would have been very nice for you)but I'm sure that you, like my Mum, will learn from their errors and be a fabulous parent and eventual grandparent and benefit in ways your parents obviously cant comprehend.

margoandjerry · 02/06/2008 12:02

Blimey, you poor thing. That's really crap of them. Sorry to slag off your parents (though I don't think you'll mind ) but that is very strange and sad and odd.

A new baby is a major event in anyone's life, let alone your own daughter's. I am sorry you don't have supportive parents but hope you have lots of love and support from elsewhere.

NotABanana · 02/06/2008 12:04

What the bloody hell is wrong with some people?

If that is their excuse for not seeing a newborn, what is their excuse for not visiting a toddler?

Cleasrly they know they are in the wrong which is why he has said it.

Stuff 'em. I'll come and visit you if you are near me.

AbbeyA · 02/06/2008 12:05

YANBU they should be overjoyed and wanting to be involved. However it is their loss and they are missing a lot.
Perhaps you should swap with all the people on here who want to be left in peace to 'bond' with their baby and don't think it matters if grandparents don't see a newborn baby because it doesn't matter to the baby. (The last sentence is said tongue in cheek!)

YeahBut · 02/06/2008 12:09

That's really sad. And your ds may be a newborn baby and not up to entertaining guests by tightrope walking or plate spinning just yet, but he is their grandchild.

HonoriaGlossop · 02/06/2008 12:14

They sound very emotionally disconnected. It must be really devastating to have to deal with that, but good for you for being able to rise above that sort of upbringing and provide a truly loving home for your own children!

I think you just can't expect ANYTHING in the way of normal loving relationships from people who are able to disconnect like that. I'd concentrate on your own little family and have as little to do with them as possible, I think. Though I know that's not as easy as it sounds.

jesuswhatnext · 02/06/2008 12:30

i feel so sorry for you , ultimatly though the only people who will miss out is them!

i'm sure you will build a warm and lovign family and just end up not missing them much, after all, they don't seem to put in much effort for you do they?

as your dcs grow, your family will simply become bigger, louder, more fun than you can imagine, just leave them to their lonely old age!

madamez · 02/06/2008 12:35

Have your parents always been distant and uninterested? Because if they were previously loving and supportive and involved in your life I would wonder what had changed - but if they have always been like this then they are not going to change, and you kind of have to accept that (and maybe forge a closer relationship with your PIL if they live nearby and are nice).
But I do sympathise, must be pretty miserable for you. Congrats on your newborn by the way, give him a big cuddle.

Chandon · 02/06/2008 12:35

Yes... But I think that your a bit tough on them, ferociously keeping score how often they visit you and your DD .

Lots of info missing, like how far away do they live? Would you have a place for them to stay?

It sounds to me as if ou are listing the negative things, keeping some kind of score, and already have a long history of feeling pissed off with them...

jojosmaman · 02/06/2008 12:40

YANBU, I would be really upset if my mum hadnt been to see one of my newborn DC's after 5 weeks.

bran · 02/06/2008 12:46

They are obviously being very unreasonable. They should be coming to visit you, their feelings about babies are irrelevant as the baby won't care either way, but you need to be made a fuss of.

Congratulations.

I do think it's quite funny that your mother said "We assumed that you must have given up when we didn't hear", because it gave me a mental image of a woman in labour just deciding to cancel the birth because she can't be bothered.

colacubes · 02/06/2008 13:02

Ohh thats terrible, sounds like they are lazy and very selfish, if they really arent interested in their newborn grandchild they must have swinging bricks instead of hearts. My MIL wasnt interested when my dd was born, her first grandchild, said she would spend more time with her when she was older and was more fun!!! She's also very very busy walking the dogs at the weekends so seeing her is hard!!!!!!!!!!

There is sometimes nothing you can do about certain people, my advice is leave them to it, dont go out of your way for them, and when they do eventually visit, do not go and do all the entertaining crap, just be chilled and blaza about it. You are going to have to choose the relationship you have with them, sounds like they will always put you at the end of a very long list, just take what you want, and the rest you will have to let it go, or just stop talking to them.

But no you are not unreasonable, and sorry I know they are you parents but they are a right pair of tossers.

Congratulations though to you and yours!!

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