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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No I'm bloody well not. My parents are completely unreasonable though. Grrr.

55 replies

BroccoliSpears · 02/06/2008 11:24

I have been trying so hard to not let this bother me, but I've just ended up stewing on it all weekend and now I need to rant.

I have a 5-week-old son. My parents haven't come to see him yet. I'm not entirely sure why. I think they're just not very interested in me generally. My mum didn't know when my due date was when I phoned her the day after it. And when I phoned to tell them they had a new grandson she said "oh lovely, have you been in labour all this time then [2 days]? We assumed that you must have given up when we didn't hear".

So, a couple of times I've asked if they're coming and my dad gets all defensive and passive aggressive and makes me feel guilty for doubting that they care .

Anyway, here's the bit that I really need to get out of my system: I was talking to my dad late last week. He was going on about how excited he is about new grandson blah blah blah (forgive my cynicism, but talk is cheap). He then said, "you do understand why we haven't come to see him yet, don't you?" And I said no, not really, and asked him why.

"Well", he says, "To be honest, once you've seen one newborn you've seen them all. New babies are a bit boring really so we thought we'd let you get this bit over with and not crowd you and then we'll come when you're more settled and more up for visitors."

More able to cook a decent meal and entertain you as guests and less likely to need help you mean?

For fuck's sake.

The really irritating thing is that he's not completely wrong, newborns aren't as exciting as older children I suppose (older children like my daughter who is two and who they have seen once since her 1st birthday?) but could he at least pretend to be vaguely interested? I guess not.

Ahhhhh... I need to release this into cyberspace now or I'll stew and stew and stew until I go cross eyed. Bloody parents.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 02/06/2008 13:09

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable, but I agree i actually wouldn't be too cross with them. Just sad for them. Some older people are like that though aren't they, never like to be involved in emotional situations?

Look on the bright side, if they did come around to see you, they sound like the sort of people who'd have you running around after them getting tea etc.

Just enjoy your baby and forget about them for a while until they suddenly wake up one morning and think: "hang on, are we being a bit off here? let's go and see the new grandkid.."

And then you can be out when they arrive...

bluefox · 02/06/2008 13:28

I dont think you are being unreasonable but as mentioned before - is there some history to this? You mention your mum has only seen your dd once since her first birthday - has she seen you at all during your last pg? (she didnt know your due date). Everyone seems to be blaming your mum but there are always two sides involved in the breakdown of a relationship. Maybe your mum feels excluded. Just seems strange for her to be acting like this for no reason.

ingles2 · 02/06/2008 13:45

Hi Broccoli
Congratulations
I agree with other posters about this being a bit strange, and wondering if there is history.
However,
When my ds1 was born, my mum behaved very oddly, so oddly that after 3 days I asked her to go home
We had always had a fantastic relationship so this came as a big and not altogether pleasant surprise.
A few years later, I discovered that actually she felt very jealous, ineffectual and OLD. Do you think your mum might feel like this?
(everything is great again btw)

spicemonster · 02/06/2008 13:50

I'm not surprised you're upset. What silly people. Newborns are very delicious as everyone knows. And their own grandchild! I feel sorry for them for missing out on one of the joys of life

And congratulations on your new arrival

silvercrown · 02/06/2008 16:57

Took my parents a while to visit with all 3 kids actually and my MIL didn't come for 5 months with the 2nd. She asked me when my due date was so she didn't book her holiday at that time and then straight ahead and booked her holiday so she was away on the due date!!! Families are irritating and downright hurtful alot of the time. I envy people who have close families I really do. Many people have said to me it's their loss and not to stress over it but that's easier said than done. It hurts my feelings and is difficult to explain to the kids as they get older and wiser.Doubtful your folks will change though. Fingers crossed they do as kids get older but I've found that it makes it worse because suddenly the kids are a handful/too energetic etc etc.

savoycabbage · 02/06/2008 17:10

No. You are not being unreasonble. Even if they do find you bearing their grandchild a bit dull they still should have visited you. It's polite. That's what you do when somebody has a baby.

savoycabbage · 02/06/2008 17:10

No. You are not being unreasonble. Even if they do find you bearing their grandchild a bit dull they still should have visited you. It's polite. That's what you do when somebody has a baby.

wotulookinat · 02/06/2008 17:13

Bran, I did try to cancel my labour when it started but the midwife said no!!
Not a nice attitude from the OP's parents. You must feel very hurt and angry. Have you told them how you feel?

sophiewd · 02/06/2008 17:17

That is so sad, my parents are having DD to stay the night before i have this baby even though my mum is in a wheelchair at the moment, they have organised someon to come in and help them in the morning and take her to nursery, she has also organised someone to come and help after I come out and loves seeing DD.

Flashman · 02/06/2008 17:20

Do they have a long way to travel??? Not to sound rude but if it is a long way could fuel costs be an issue?

Flashman · 02/06/2008 17:21

oh and congrats btw!

Psychomum5 · 02/06/2008 17:22

sounds really awful and not surprised at all that you are hurt and offended.

YANB at all U.

very for you, and very for your children.

their loss tho really......they will miss out on the joy that a new baby brings into a family!

BigBadMouse · 02/06/2008 17:25

OMG - sounds just like my mother. She couldn't visit her grandchildren because she has to look after her cats . Now she complains that my children are 'closer' to their other sets of grandparents who come to visit far more often. DS1 is 6 days old and apparently she is coming down soon 'since you've had a boy this time'

YANBU - hope the cyber-rant has helped. Don't know what to suggest really appart from there is the possiblity that them staying away is a bonus if that is how they are going to act.

To quote my FIL when he came to visit when DD1 (his first grandchild) was a day old. 'Right, I want to go the model boat exhibition in town now, come on son (to DH), you can't sit around here all day doing all this baby stuff, it's no good for you'

Original poster
BroccoliSpears · 02/06/2008 17:39

Lots of responses. I have been reading and mulling them over.

Of course, there is more to our whole relationship than a snapshot in a few paragraphs can show, you're right.

They've never really been gushing, warm and involved, but it didn't always upset me so much. I think perhaps that since becomming a parent myself I question their choices and their attitude. And no doubt that they've got worse over the last couple of years.

My dad has sort of said to me that I have my own family now, and my new family unit is the one that should be important to me. It's like they've done the job of being my parents and now I'm a grown up they don't have to do it any more. I probably sound a bit needy now, but really all I want is the odd phone call now and then and for them to show an interest - I'm really not after baby sitting and daily chats.

I do phone them, and I did of course let them know when I went in to labour and invite them to come and see us and stay in our spare room. They are a flight away, but it's not a mamoth journey - just a hop.

I'm considering letting them know how I feel, but it's easier said than done. We don't do emotions and feelings in my family. If I get upset it will turn into a huge family joke, everyone laughing. If I calmly tell them I feel a bit hurt that they're not interested, they will be all hurt that I feel that way and I'll end up feeling bad for bringing it up and upsetting them.

Anyhoo, it's not ruling my life or anything, and it does feel better to rant about it and have lots of people tell me IANBU!

OP posts:
lljkk · 02/06/2008 18:28

I think it's just a kind of old-fashioned attitude, as you said, once you're grown you have your own life to live and they are just occasional bit part players.
I would hope to be more involved with my grand-dc, too, but... perhaps your folks can't help it, it's just how they expect things to be.

only1malteaser · 02/06/2008 18:43

I can't believe that
My parents were camped outside the labour suite when I was in ther, in fact my father even asked if he could come in and hold my hand (as if)!!
My father in law was the first visitor I had after my parents!
Do they not realise the joy and happiness a new baby brings and what they are missing out on?
Is your Mum of the same opinion or is she just going along with your Dad? Could you talk to her about the way you are feeling?
I feel for you x

deanychip · 02/06/2008 18:49

its the future as well tho isnt it, not just the now.
if they are so disinterested in their gc now, they are not likely to get any better.

mine are the same, its as if my son belongs to some one else and is nothing to do with any of them.(in their eyes...not mine)

SexyMilf · 02/06/2008 20:33

Broccoli, you sound lovely and not at all unreasonable, apologies for being rude about your parents but I think they sound mean and rather cold

Congratulations on your lovely baby and I hope your 2 year old is enjoying being a big sister

harpsichordcarrier · 02/06/2008 20:37

oh BS what a pair of useless wankers (sorry for swearing but how thoughtless and insensitive and just wankerish of them)
we don't all get the parents we deserve
you deserve a mum telling you how marvellously you are doing with a newborn and a two year old and who will bring you a big casserole and a cake
and a dad to bring you a bottle of champagne and get all welled up when he sees his new grandson and says oh he looks just like you when you were newborn
I wish you had those parents, I really do.
sending love, HC xx

pointydog · 02/06/2008 20:41

broccoli, your parents aRE ODd. I do hope you realise that.I wouldn't rush into telling them how you feel as they really do not sound understanding on any level.

fullmoonfiend · 02/06/2008 20:43

Broc, I'm still waiting for my father to summon up enough enthusiasnm to visit his second grandson (who is 8 years in October!).

My advice is, immerse yourself totally in your new family unit, and forget about them. They will not change, they are arses and you don't want them in your life, if they are that disinterested.....

shybaby · 02/06/2008 20:58

They are a flight away? Where do they live?

A flight is nothing to some people, for others its a huge deal.

My aunt will regularly spend a weekend abroad on a whim (they have the money to do so). My mother who lives in the next street never visits us. She may come if its an emergency or necessary, but just to visit? No chance! I have invited her to dinner before, she will not eat in my house (which is ten times cleaner than hers actually). She wont spend an hour with us, she's too busy drinking ironing. etc etc...I wont make this a rant about my mum although its very tempting!

samsonthecat · 02/06/2008 21:07

I really relate to this thread. My inlaws did not visit dd2 until she was 7 months old. They even missed her christening. They live about 200 miles away and don't drive and refuse to use public transport so basically don't go any where. How ever they did manage to visit dd1 when she was 2 weeks old, they came down and stayed in a b&b for 2 nights. They also managed to visit their 3 grandsons when they were born. It did really upset me at the time that for the 5th grandchild they couldn't be bothered but now I just think "so what its your loss"

onebatmother · 02/06/2008 21:52

grrs in sympathy.

AbbeyA · 02/06/2008 22:23

It is nice to see that people think that grandparents should visit early on. I was the minority on a thread where parents were very possessive of their new born. They felt they had been through the labour and needed to be cossetted, which mean having time alone with the baby and DP, and that parents should understand that and not expect or want to see the baby until they(the parents) were ready to let them. I thought it was a terrible attitude and that a new baby was a joy to be shared, especially with grandparents. Perhaps your parents don't want to interfere.